Forums > Social Chat > When children become parents
Login/Join to Participatemember
1 post
1 post
Posted:
This has been something that I've wanted to post about for a long time but was never really comfortable with doing so because it's deeply personal to me. This is the reason decided to post anonymously.
At some stage kids become independent of children and don't need them to survive anymore. This is personal and happens at different time for everyone. Some times the roles are reversed and what happens then? Are kids mature emotionally able to raise their parents? And so the tale goes.....
My parents were seperated a few years ago which led to running battles between my parents with me and my sister in the middle of it. To understate, it sucked. It sucked most when one parent would use us as a weapon against the other and it got reeaallly ugly.
The home broke down, parents moved away from each other. My dad moved on in life and is happy. His girlfriend moved into our family home with her son. My sister still lives there and feels like an outsider.
My mom is the problem though. She was shocked when my dad walked out on her. She didn't see it coming at all and was expecting to live happily ever after now that the kids were gone. My dad on the other hand planned to leave her all along. He was waiting for my sister and I to finish school first.
It all stemmed from really bad things that happened many many years ago. They wanted to seperate then, when I was about 10 (that's a guess). They brought me in (as a child) and told me this. I flipped and ran around the house breaking stuff for a while, got bored and ran away for a long time. They stayed together but my dad decided then to leave as soon as we were raised.
He told her this....
She went balistic and spent 2 weeks under observation in one of them places with the cool padded cells. The visitors lounge was pretty cool too, couches had blood on them, poems and proclaimations of being the salvation, truth and light....
Over the last 2/3 years my sister and I have been a crutch to her. The only good things in her life as she puts it. I've had her crying on my shoulder or on the other end of the phone more times than I care to remember. Her friends keep telling her they are envious of the relationship I have with her. That we talk frankly and honestly and can go out for a few drinks together.
It all came to a head when my dad's dad died. Complications like my dad's girlfriend sitting in the front row of the funeral and her not being there. This really upset her especially because she had been so close to him. I was grieving myself and told her as best I could that I wasn't able to deal with all of her problems and she needs to stop being so selfish. This was no easy task and involved a lot of kleenex.
I so want her to be happy and and I'm so worried for her future. Things keep going wrong for her and she keeps blaming luck but I know we make our own luck.
It's taken me a long time to get her to take responsibility for her own future and even she's only bedrudgingly doing so. She seems far happier to use a "poor me" control drama.
She is way better now in that I don't have to listen to every little problem in her mind all the time. She lives far away now though and I don't see her very often.
Everytime I do see her though I'm irritated by her. She always seems to be looking for my approval. Saying things like "You lucky to have a mad mother like me" and "you know me, mad as a hatter I am".
I'm ashamed to say that I want to spend as little time in her company as possible. She is so sad and it makes me sad. I sat down in a resaurant with the other day and nearly had a panic attack and ran away leaving her there, until I talked myself out of it. I am and always have been close to her but I can't be near her right now. I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it.
This has been something that I've wanted to post about for a long time but was never really comfortable with doing so because it's deeply personal to me. This is the reason decided to post anonymously.
At some stage kids become independent of children and don't need them to survive anymore. This is personal and happens at different time for everyone. Some times the roles are reversed and what happens then? Are kids mature emotionally able to raise their parents? And so the tale goes.....
My parents were seperated a few years ago which led to running battles between my parents with me and my sister in the middle of it. To understate, it sucked. It sucked most when one parent would use us as a weapon against the other and it got reeaallly ugly.
The home broke down, parents moved away from each other. My dad moved on in life and is happy. His girlfriend moved into our family home with her son. My sister still lives there and feels like an outsider.
My mom is the problem though. She was shocked when my dad walked out on her. She didn't see it coming at all and was expecting to live happily ever after now that the kids were gone. My dad on the other hand planned to leave her all along. He was waiting for my sister and I to finish school first.
It all stemmed from really bad things that happened many many years ago. They wanted to seperate then, when I was about 10 (that's a guess). They brought me in (as a child) and told me this. I flipped and ran around the house breaking stuff for a while, got bored and ran away for a long time. They stayed together but my dad decided then to leave as soon as we were raised.
He told her this....
She went balistic and spent 2 weeks under observation in one of them places with the cool padded cells. The visitors lounge was pretty cool too, couches had blood on them, poems and proclaimations of being the salvation, truth and light....
Over the last 2/3 years my sister and I have been a crutch to her. The only good things in her life as she puts it. I've had her crying on my shoulder or on the other end of the phone more times than I care to remember. Her friends keep telling her they are envious of the relationship I have with her. That we talk frankly and honestly and can go out for a few drinks together.
It all came to a head when my dad's dad died. Complications like my dad's girlfriend sitting in the front row of the funeral and her not being there. This really upset her especially because she had been so close to him. I was grieving myself and told her as best I could that I wasn't able to deal with all of her problems and she needs to stop being so selfish. This was no easy task and involved a lot of kleenex.
I so want her to be happy and and I'm so worried for her future. Things keep going wrong for her and she keeps blaming luck but I know we make our own luck.
It's taken me a long time to get her to take responsibility for her own future and even she's only bedrudgingly doing so. She seems far happier to use a "poor me" control drama.
She is way better now in that I don't have to listen to every little problem in her mind all the time. She lives far away now though and I don't see her very often.
Everytime I do see her though I'm irritated by her. She always seems to be looking for my approval. Saying things like "You lucky to have a mad mother like me" and "you know me, mad as a hatter I am".
I'm ashamed to say that I want to spend as little time in her company as possible. She is so sad and it makes me sad. I sat down in a resaurant with the other day and nearly had a panic attack and ran away leaving her there, until I talked myself out of it. I am and always have been close to her but I can't be near her right now. I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it.
(*) (*) .. for the gnor ;)
2,568 posts
Location: sitting on the step
2,568 posts
Location: sitting on the step
Posted:
i really dunno what to say but sending lots of
i really dunno what to say but sending lots of
she who sees from up high smiles
Patrick badger king: *they better hope there's never a jihad on stupidity*
Sponge
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
Posted:
Monkeys monkeys and bananas
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,009 posts
Location: Bristol, UK
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,009 posts
Location: Bristol, UK
Posted:
Sometimes we spend too much time around our friends, take too stress from them (a problem shared is just that - transfered). So with our friends we find that sometimes we have to step back for a while, sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for a lot longer.
This also applies to our family relationships, but it is far harder to accept it as our family is blood - it's far, far more when it's your mother. But it's still just another human relationship. If you replace your mother in your story with another friend you would probably see that you need to step back and become less nivolved as it's affecting you.
So maybe for a while you do need to step back a little, something which I can imagine is very, very hard to think about or do.
Sometimes we spend too much time around our friends, take too stress from them (a problem shared is just that - transfered). So with our friends we find that sometimes we have to step back for a while, sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for a lot longer.
This also applies to our family relationships, but it is far harder to accept it as our family is blood - it's far, far more when it's your mother. But it's still just another human relationship. If you replace your mother in your story with another friend you would probably see that you need to step back and become less nivolved as it's affecting you.
So maybe for a while you do need to step back a little, something which I can imagine is very, very hard to think about or do.
BRONZE Member
Llamas are larger than frogs.
319 posts
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA
Llamas are larger than frogs.
319 posts
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA
Posted:
It's not fair for your mother to do that to you. I wish you the best of luck getting through this.
It's not fair for your mother to do that to you. I wish you the best of luck getting through this.
"I know a good deal more than a boiled carrot."
"Fire!" "Where?" "Nowhere, I was just illustrating the misuse of free speech."
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Posted:
wow... this post really stuck home for me. Slightly different situation, but very similar result.
Back when I was about 13 to 15, my parents went thru a similar time of wanting to separate, but deciding to wait till I was out of high school and at least at university before doing so. When I was 17, I moved out of the house, but by then they had reconciled their differences and were living together quite happily.
My father died about 10 years ago (when I was 24) while he was mountain climbing - so it was a sudden thing, nothing we were prepared for. This was just after my mother had retired from being a grade school teacher and just as my father was beginning to think about retiring too.
Mom took it hard. I moved back in with her for a year. I moved out exactly because I felt like she had become too dependant on me. Many things in the original story posted here remind me of the situation, and there are many other things I can imagine that Turtle is experiencing that were not mentioned. After I left, I still wound up giving her half of my weekends for many years. I eventually weened her of the total dependance on me, but in a way she replaced much of that by moving close to where my sisters live once I moved away from the city she lived in, and she is also overly dependant on the person who is her housekeeper now.
I can't tell you how much this part of the post is true for me. I hate talking to mom on the phone because she is always negative. My blood runs cold when I think it is her calling. I consider not answering but always do anyway. Going to see her is an increasingly difficult chore. And now I have a new girlfriend here in Germany who is going to visit my family in Texas with me in June. My mother actually called me during the middle of our first date, and I burst out in tears right after I hung up the phone. Luckily Sandra (my girlfriend) was sensitive enough to hold me (despite having just met me) and listen to what was upsetting me (despite the fact that my German isn't so great and her English wasn't much better at the time), instead of just thinking I was a psycho and dumping me then and there (what kind of pathetic 34 year old man starts bawling in the middle of a first date after his mom calls anyway???).
I am petrified of introducing Sandra to my mother, who I am embarrassed and almost ashamed of now. And I am ashamed to be ashamed of her, but she is a mere ghost of the woman she once was. I know Sandra will be sympathetic and understanding (there isn't a doubt in my mind about that), but I am scared of the meeting none-the-less, and I hate being that way.
I'm sorry Turtle, I have no solutions or suggestions for you - only an offer of solidarity.
wow... this post really stuck home for me. Slightly different situation, but very similar result.
Back when I was about 13 to 15, my parents went thru a similar time of wanting to separate, but deciding to wait till I was out of high school and at least at university before doing so. When I was 17, I moved out of the house, but by then they had reconciled their differences and were living together quite happily.
My father died about 10 years ago (when I was 24) while he was mountain climbing - so it was a sudden thing, nothing we were prepared for. This was just after my mother had retired from being a grade school teacher and just as my father was beginning to think about retiring too.
Mom took it hard. I moved back in with her for a year. I moved out exactly because I felt like she had become too dependant on me. Many things in the original story posted here remind me of the situation, and there are many other things I can imagine that Turtle is experiencing that were not mentioned. After I left, I still wound up giving her half of my weekends for many years. I eventually weened her of the total dependance on me, but in a way she replaced much of that by moving close to where my sisters live once I moved away from the city she lived in, and she is also overly dependant on the person who is her housekeeper now.
Quote:
I'm ashamed to say that I want to spend as little time in her company as possible. She is so sad and it makes me sad. I sat down in a resaurant with the other day and nearly had a panic attack and ran away leaving her there, until I talked myself out of it. I am and always have been close to her but I can't be near her right now. I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it.
I can't tell you how much this part of the post is true for me. I hate talking to mom on the phone because she is always negative. My blood runs cold when I think it is her calling. I consider not answering but always do anyway. Going to see her is an increasingly difficult chore. And now I have a new girlfriend here in Germany who is going to visit my family in Texas with me in June. My mother actually called me during the middle of our first date, and I burst out in tears right after I hung up the phone. Luckily Sandra (my girlfriend) was sensitive enough to hold me (despite having just met me) and listen to what was upsetting me (despite the fact that my German isn't so great and her English wasn't much better at the time), instead of just thinking I was a psycho and dumping me then and there (what kind of pathetic 34 year old man starts bawling in the middle of a first date after his mom calls anyway???).
I am petrified of introducing Sandra to my mother, who I am embarrassed and almost ashamed of now. And I am ashamed to be ashamed of her, but she is a mere ghost of the woman she once was. I know Sandra will be sympathetic and understanding (there isn't a doubt in my mind about that), but I am scared of the meeting none-the-less, and I hate being that way.
I'm sorry Turtle, I have no solutions or suggestions for you - only an offer of solidarity.
-v-
Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!
BRONZE Member
member
57 posts
Location: Aarhus, Denmark
member
57 posts
Location: Aarhus, Denmark
Posted:
HHMMMMMmmmmm, what can I say -I'm with you guys! My mom has been somewhat mentally ill for all my life, and there was never really a space in her mind for my problems, whatever they been. The worst thing about it is maybe that she is unable to realize herself how big problems she has, and as she ain't a total nutcase, she does pass for a normal person. I know that awful feeling of being embarrassed, but on the other hand, whenever anyone picked on her, I always turned protective..
It does take a lot of energy either way, and I found exactly like Døm points out, that the only way to deal with this sort of thing is to regard her as any other person in your life, and step back-maybe even tell her sometimes that this is what you need to do...
Now and then it actually feels as if I have come to terms with it even though it is almost impossible to accept the fact that your mother does really not represent the soul of motherhood... However, you will always have yourself, and that is basically the most important thing-belief in yourself, your ability to do good and the will to live
Mucha mucha love too
HHMMMMMmmmmm, what can I say -I'm with you guys! My mom has been somewhat mentally ill for all my life, and there was never really a space in her mind for my problems, whatever they been. The worst thing about it is maybe that she is unable to realize herself how big problems she has, and as she ain't a total nutcase, she does pass for a normal person. I know that awful feeling of being embarrassed, but on the other hand, whenever anyone picked on her, I always turned protective..
It does take a lot of energy either way, and I found exactly like Døm points out, that the only way to deal with this sort of thing is to regard her as any other person in your life, and step back-maybe even tell her sometimes that this is what you need to do...
Now and then it actually feels as if I have come to terms with it even though it is almost impossible to accept the fact that your mother does really not represent the soul of motherhood... However, you will always have yourself, and that is basically the most important thing-belief in yourself, your ability to do good and the will to live
Mucha mucha love too ALL IS FULL OF LOVE
False Eyelash
346 posts
Location: New York City
346 posts
Location: New York City
Posted:
One thing that's helped me was finally understanding that *eeryone* has a crazy family. For so many years I thought people really lived like the Brady Bunch and I got jipped (giped? gipped?). Not so. And this was a huge relief.
And another thing that helped was taking a job in child abuse. That has put so many things in perspective.
Anyway...hang in there honey. It's not easy being up against so much.
One thing that's helped me was finally understanding that *eeryone* has a crazy family. For so many years I thought people really lived like the Brady Bunch and I got jipped (giped? gipped?). Not so. And this was a huge relief.
And another thing that helped was taking a job in child abuse. That has put so many things in perspective.
Anyway...hang in there honey. It's not easy being up against so much.
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.
Similar Topics
Using the keywords [children parent *] we found the following existing topics.
- Forums > Free school dinners V's children going without food in the holidays [23 replies]
- Forums > Child Care [43 replies]
Show more..
© 1998 - 2024 Home of Poi
All prices converted to United States dollars using XE.com