Page: 12
ellie
member
Location: England
Member Since: 9th Mar 2002
Total posts: 38
Posted:Hello my pretties,

I'm in need of something to laugh at as I like kaughing but I'm sitting in my office all alone doing boring work so I was wondering......

What's the best joke you've ever heard?


e*


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toneman
member

Member Since: 18th Oct 2001
Total posts: 195
Posted:what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea???

One Shucks between fits....


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Gruff
member
Location: Gloucester
Member Since: 9th Oct 2001
Total posts: 106
Posted:The definition of surprise?

A fart with a lump in it!

(sorry, but where i come from toilet humour is always the best!)


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FirePoi-boy
member
Location: Bantry, Ireland
Member Since: 22nd Sep 2001
Total posts: 71
Posted:The definition of bad aim?

A pregnant mattress.


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Shadowblade
member
Location: Essex England
Member Since: 12th Jul 2001
Total posts: 57
Posted:Whats got two legs and bleeds alot?

Half a dog

Whats pink and soft yet sounds like metal when you throw it at a wall?

A baby with forks in its eyes

Whats the best thing about alzheimers disease?

You get to meet new people every day

[ 20 April 2002, 22:56: Message edited by: Shadowblade ]


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arsn
arsn

How do you change this thing???
Location: Behind the couch...
Member Since: 7th Mar 2002
Total posts: 1903
Posted:Dug up the old joke post... and wanted to share some jokes I just heard... Now some of you may not get some... but the aussies will...

Q: What's brown and runs around Ayers Rock?
A: Dingo on a victory lap.

Q: How do you fit 100 babies in a barrel?
A: With a blender

Q: How do you get them back out again?
A: With Dorito's.

Q: Whats green and sits in the corner?
A: a naughty frog.

Q: Whats a test tube baby's worst nightmare?
A: A dingo with a straw.

WHY is masturbation better than intercourse?

1. Because you know who you are dealing with.
2. Because you don't have to buy flowers.
3. Because you know when you've had enough.
4. Because you don't have to be polite.
5. Because you don't have to make conversation.
6. Because you don't have to look your best.
7. Because you meet a better class of person.
8. Because it is with someone you love.

Two gay men are walking past a morgue on a very hot day. One of them turns to the other and says, "Want to stop in and suck down a cold one?"

Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at the rope and says "We don't serve rope in here." So the rope leaves. Wanting a beer badly, the rope ties himself into a knot hoping that the bartender wont recognise him. Again the rope enters the bar and asks for a beer. "Aint you the rope that was in here earlier?" The rope replies "I'm not."

-------------------------------------------------------
Death and taxes are serious business, everything else is comedy.


I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men

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arashi
arashi

Pooh-Bah
Location: austin,tx
Member Since: 21st Mar 2002
Total posts: 2363
Posted:okay, so superman's really randy, right? i mean he's fellin the burn, baby...
he's flyin around, and he sees wonder woman(rdrdrdrrr), down in the garden of the hall of justice, and she's sunbathing, there, on the lawn, totally nude, her legs spread WIDE open, to catch them rays! well, this is just to much for him to take, so he peeeeow! flies on down there using his super speed, and he pumps super fast (like a white guy) and then zips on out b4 she knows waht hit her!
wonder woman goes, "what the hell was that?"

then the invisible man goes, "i don't know, but my arse hole sure hurts!"
(brown chakra to you)


-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

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arsn
arsn

How do you change this thing???
Location: Behind the couch...
Member Since: 7th Mar 2002
Total posts: 1903
Posted:

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men

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starbuk
member
Location: East Side
Member Since: 13th Mar 2002
Total posts: 75
Posted:This is one that my ex found so funny she could never complete the entire joke when telling someone.

"What do you get if u cross candy with a bird?"

"A fudgerygar!"



Now thats what i call poor


Dont forget to bring a towel

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arsn
arsn

How do you change this thing???
Location: Behind the couch...
Member Since: 7th Mar 2002
Total posts: 1903
Posted:I can see why their an ex...

------------------------------------------------------------
Libraries. All those books. Whats up with that?


I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men

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DarkFairyQueen
member
Location: The Underworld
Member Since: 9th Mar 2002
Total posts: 557
Posted:"I said GodDamn!"

HooHoo!! Some of these are awful!!

SPLERPH! That Duck joke iz the best!!

MMMmmmKay..

'Wot do u call a lady in the distance?'
-'Dot'

'Who woz that woman who fell off the cliff?'
-'Eileen Dover'

'Wots the name of the guy who brings his umbrella out on a hot sunny day?'
-'Justin Case'

....Any1 here Irish?....

'Wot happened to the Irishman who was raking leaves?'
-'he fell out of the tree'

'How do you tell if an Irishman's been using your computer?'
-'Tip-Ex on the screen'

'Paddy and Tom were walking down the road, when suddenly, Paddy falls down a man hole.
Shocked, and concerned for his friends wellbeing, Tom stops and shouts down the hole-
Tom:..'Paddy!? Is it dark down there?'
Paddy:..'I don't know, I can't see!'

ok,ok, even I'M gettin bored writin' these.. AAAAAAHHAHAH!!

*FlUttErS aWAy tO ComMeNCe sElf sPAnkIng aCtIOn*

DFQ xx


Az abouve, So below...

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arashi
arashi

Pooh-Bah
Location: austin,tx
Member Since: 21st Mar 2002
Total posts: 2363
Posted:what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on the floor? matt
on the wall? art
in a pool? bob
on a grill? frank

what do you call a girl with no arms & no legs on a grill? patty
on the bed? muffy

oh, i got more...i'm the family goofwad!


-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

Delete

arsn
arsn

How do you change this thing???
Location: Behind the couch...
Member Since: 7th Mar 2002
Total posts: 1903
Posted:Here's some more... yeah already...

Q: What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your trousers?
A: Your gran

Q: What's red and follows behind a train?
A: A miscarriage!

Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: A paraplegic after a house fire.

Seven dwarfs were feeling happy till happy got out!!!
2 nuns were on a bike ride, they took a shortcut down a rough road. One nun says to the other "Ive never come this way before" the other replies "yeah, its the cobblestones that do it!"

Q: What's sexy, irresistable and master's the dance floor?
A: Me

A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who insisted on a tour of the place when she arrived. When they were walking through the barn, for no apparent reason, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stationed himself at the casket and greeted friends and family as they walked by. The pastor noticed that, whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head, "Yes". Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No".
The pastor noticed this happened without fail, "Yes" to women, "No" to men. He asked the farmer after the service what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it is'. The men would ask, 'Want to sell that mule?', and I would shake my head and say, 'Not on your life'."

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor found out about this and took each one into his office seperately to try and talk them out of it. First he called in the woman and he told her that the man had already had two heart attacks and was very unhealthy and could die at any time. She told the doctor that she didn't care and she left. Next, the doctor called in the man and told him that the woman was suffering from acute angina, and he said, ''I know! I peeked.''

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.

"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

--------------------------------------------------------------
I mock you with my monkey pants.


I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men

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Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:well it's more interesting than my projects....

hmmm...

nope, no bad jokes off teh top of my head.

i'm really tired


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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DarkFairyQueen
member
Location: The Underworld
Member Since: 9th Mar 2002
Total posts: 557
Posted:Arson... ...I like you...

Az abouve, So below...

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Valura
Valura

Mumma Hen
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Member Since: 25th Apr 2002
Total posts: 6391
Posted:Ok there was a rumour that this joke won 1997 most disgusting joke award in the u.s.a .... please dont hold this against me

A little girl and her mum are walking in the park when the little girl sees two teenagers having sex on the park bench... understandably curious the little girl says "Mummy, what are those people doing?" mummy was very embrassed that her daughter had witnessed such unspeakable acts, so she replied to her daughter, "why they are just making cakes love..." and hurried out of the park.
The next day Mummy and her little girl are at the zoo when the little girl sees two monkeys having sex and again asks "Mummy what are the monkeys doing?" Mummy again answers her daughter "Why, they are making cakes,remember?" and led her daughter home...
The next day the daughter comes into the kitchen early in the morning and asks her mother "Mummy? Were you and Daddy making cakes on the couch last night?" Mummy understandably shocked says " OH MY! Why do you ask dear?" to which her daughter replies... "Just wondering beacuse I licked the icing off the couch when you had finished!!!!"

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When hes under a fairys dress hes a goblin!!!



TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

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xtremravr...was here..
member
Location: amsterdam..i wish
Member Since: 2nd Feb 2002
Total posts: 337
Posted:these might be funny to you guys and might not...depends on if you know who the peps are..

what did jeffery dahmer say to loraina bobbit?

are you gonna eat that?

how did the redneck break his neck on the golf course?...he fell off of the ball washer

*directed at random person* your momma is so fat her belt size is equator!!

your momma so nasty she has to sneek up on bath water!!

your momma so nasty she brings crabs to tha beach!!

sorry, i hope none of these are to offensive for you...but i did use my best judgement in not posting others..lol..



Peace Luv Uni-t Respect Responsa-what?!?! Xtrem

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arsn
arsn

How do you change this thing???
Location: Behind the couch...
Member Since: 7th Mar 2002
Total posts: 1903
Posted:And here we go again...

Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC?
A: A computer that will never go down on you

Q: What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once

Q: What do you call a body builder with a big penis?
A: A beginner

Q: Why did the elephant eat the parrot?
A: Because he was hungry

Q: Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
A: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

Q: What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
A: Men always miss both of them

A man walks up to a high priced lawyer and says "for $500 can I ask you 2 questions"
The lawyer says "certainly, whats the second one"

-----------------------------------------------------------
It isnt about winning or losing, its about looking good winning OR losing.

[ 22 May 2002, 11:28: Message edited by: Arsn ]


I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men

Delete

HellCat
HellCat

member
Location: Alberta, Canada
Member Since: 9th May 2002
Total posts: 32
Posted:What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You're beautiful! and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said You're cute! Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She said What happened to beautiful? His reply was The drugs are wearing off!

*shrugs* i thought i would throw in a few... hehe


[ 22 May 2002, 11:51: Message edited by: HellCat ]


Peace, Love, Unity, Respect ^.~

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

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arashi
arashi

Pooh-Bah
Location: austin,tx
Member Since: 21st Mar 2002
Total posts: 2363
Posted:okay i've been inspired to WHIP OUT MY LEWD ONE>>>(it helps if daddy talks like bufallo bill in silence of the lambs)
(little girl's voice)
"daddy, if i had some nuts on my wall, would they be walnuts?"
(very deep voice)
"why yes, honey, they would!"
"daddy, if i had some nuts on my chest, would they be chestnuts?"
"why yes, honey, they would!"
"daddy, if i had some nuts on my chin, would they be chin nuts?"
(booming)
"no, honey, THEN YOU"D HAVE MY C@CK IN YOUR MOUTH!"

don't hate me because i'm beautiful...


-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

Delete

arsn
arsn

How do you change this thing???
Location: Behind the couch...
Member Since: 7th Mar 2002
Total posts: 1903
Posted:That's wrong arashi... that is so so wrong... I LOVE IT...

-------------------------------------------------
Its nice skipping the small talk.


I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men

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arashi
arashi

Pooh-Bah
Location: austin,tx
Member Since: 21st Mar 2002
Total posts: 2363
Posted:ahh, yes, great minds think alike... or like minds think they're great...

-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

Delete

arashi
arashi

Pooh-Bah
Location: austin,tx
Member Since: 21st Mar 2002
Total posts: 2363
Posted:ooh...oooh...
why do tampons have strings? so the vampires have something to floss their teeth with afterwards!
that one is my all time favorite...yummy yummy yummy! i can tell if a girl is the right 'one' for me by how she reacts to that one... snarf, snarf


-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

Delete

arsn
arsn

How do you change this thing???
Location: Behind the couch...
Member Since: 7th Mar 2002
Total posts: 1903
Posted:Did you know that Troz spelt backwards is Zort... Ha... Zort... Troz... Narf...

----------------------------------------------------
It isnt about winning or losing, its about looking good winning OR losing.

[ 22 May 2002, 14:50: Message edited by: Arsn ]


I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men

Delete

Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:ok, ok, ok. So i haev 100+ pages of jokes saved. they arn't even dirty. ast least not most of them. so i'm adding a few from teh top of the first thing i found....

Excerpted from "Bombardier Aerospace Globe" No. 4, Aug/Sep 1997. :

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

"Welcome aboard Southern Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stops screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

dat enough for now? hehehe


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

Delete

Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:I think a lot of people haev heard this one, but it was right after teh other and I coudln;t resist adding it...

OBLIGING AIRLINE ATTENDANT
An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said: "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry Sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began -- her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said "F*** YOU"! Without flinching she smiled and said: "I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

Delete

Matty_B
Matty_B

veteran
Location: Blu's Pocket
Member Since: 16th Feb 2005
Total posts: 1314
Posted:A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her ass.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."


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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted:ubblol nice one matty B ubblol

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Mr Majestik
Mr Majestik

coming to a country near you
Location: home of the tiney toothy bear
Member Since: 9th Mar 2004
Total posts: 4693
Posted: Written by: HellCat



There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You're beautiful! and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said You're cute! Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She said What happened to beautiful? His reply was The drugs are wearing off!



funnily enough i have a true story thats similar to this:

back in '99 after my dad had come out of a 16 hour operation he was being wheeled to intensive care as my mother, brother and i walked along side him flanked by two nurses and an orderly. semi-concious, he turned to my mother and said "you know i love you" and mum basically blushed. Then he turned to the nurses and said "you know i love you".

biggrin yay for funny happy stories!

oh, whats more fun than buring 10 babies up to their necks in the ground?
mowing the lawns. ubbangel


"but have you considered there is more to life than your eyelids?"

jointly owned by Fire_Spinning_Angel and Blu_Valley

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted:oooooooooooooooo don't go there with the dead baby jokes Mr M ubblol thats what got the last joke thread deleted

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Page: 12

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