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BRONZE Member since Dec 2000


the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:It is no secret I do dangerous stuff for a living, though I do it as safely as possible.
Since my accident I had to back off a bit, which lead me to dancing more and teaching dance.

Now, my parents, and in fact a few others have preached to me about not being stupid and doing such things. That I should "settle down" and stop being "irresponsible".
I understand they speak from a place of deep love for me, yet they do not listen from that same place.

I love what I do, and with caution and wisdom it is not so bad. I truly believe everything is a calculated risk. So, I am not prepared to quit, but I am also not prepared to answer to others, especially my parents. I am 30 and do not need their permission, but in deceiving them I still feel like that guilty little girl who snuck candy before dinner.

With everyone else I am proud of what I do.
And now it is coming to a point where it is becoming unavoidable that they will find out.
Should I tell them or let them see it in a paper or on the t.v. and explain from there?

Is it truly better to ask for forgiveness than for permission?
I have such a shakey relationship already, and I know this will make it worse, but I am striving to preserve what I can for the sake of my son, who adores his grandparents, and should.
I love them but I have to live my life for myself. I just...I just don't know how to involve them without hurting them.

I am not sure if I am looking for advice or if I just need to vent. It is all very confusing.

Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

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Location: USA

Total posts: 187
Posted:mind if i ask what happened? i hope that whatever it is, things go well between you and your loved ones. *hugs*

Im a Thespian, But I'll Act Normal Around You Guys


BRONZE Member since Jun 2001


Corporate Circus Arts Entertainer
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Total posts: 3989
Posted:Tough one...

Speaking the truth is usually the better option by default, as it gets rid of th worry of being found out, the extra effort required to 'hide' and all the other niggly things that make sneaky around so much damn hard work and all for nought when you get snapped anyway...

BUT, parents are parents, and we make extra special efforts to keep things from them as if it's been programmed into us. This may or may not be a good thing.

I would recommend looking at how much of this hiding and sneaking is in front of Noah. If it's quite frequent, it may be showing him that it is ok to sneak and lie to his parents! eek eek

Now who could that be detrimental for?

Aside from that, your life is your own, and while a lot of people might say you should be comfortable to do anything you want to do, the range of choices INCLUDES keeping things secret from your parents.

This is a little hobby horse of mine. People telling others that they should upset their partners/parents/friends because they feel its unfair that they don't like what you are doing....!

Don't let anyone tell you you have to tell them, especially if it's because they think your parents don't understand you and its tough for them.

Look at the whole situation, and, if you truly believe keeping them in the dark may keep the world a slightly better place then keep doing it. If not, then stop.

Sorry I couldn't offer any more conrete advice...

HoP Posting Guidelines
* Is it the Truth?
* Is it Fair to all concerned?
* Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
* Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?


BRONZE Member since Dec 2000


the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:I had a fire breathing accident in July 2002 which rendered me incapacitated for some time (see the article: A Season in Hell linked to somewhere in the articles section). While in the hospital I received more lectures about how I needed to give up fire and performing as a profession because it is silly, and stupid, and all sorts of other things.

My sister, with the help of my other family members, attempted to take my son away from me in November of that year, telling CPS that I am a neglectful mother. Obviously it was unfounded but it has profoundly effected our relationships since. Like I said, I would never ever punish my son by removing him from their lives, but it is no joy for me to listen to their judgements either.

I don't know how to make them understand, even after all these years, that this is viable as a career for me and it is something that makes me happy.

I have not told them anything about my life the past year and a half of recovery, because I do not want to cause any more rifts. However, as I said, things are picking up and it is really becoming unavoidable.

Charles, as for it being in front of Noah, nothing is obvious. I do teach, so I am not lieing. That is all my parents know. It is more of an omission. I don't tell and they don't ask. Therefore, there is nothing obvious for Noah to pick up on. Especially because we live an hour away. I would never expose him to such ill behaviour. And I am a very honest person, sometimes to a blunt fault, as you well know. wink

However, our news and such covers their area as well and I am being hired to teach workshops in that area, so they will most assuredly see the ads for the fire eating workshop in the paper. Stuff like that.

*le sigh*

EDITED_BY: Pele (1075698161)

Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK


Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California

Total posts: 2905
Posted:Pele, you know me, you know how I think and can probably guess what I am about to say...

You love them and they love you... keep it that way, as for the rest of it tell em to stuff it and do what you love. If they do love you, they will come around, it might take till their deathbeads but they will come around. Have faith in yourself and live your life, don't live their idea of your life.

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"




Location: london,uk

Total posts: 313
Posted:Wow Pele,considering the stuff your family have put YOU thru,i don't think you owe them anything.....Your job is your business,and if i were you,my worry about them finding out would only concern your fear that they might try and claim you're irresponsible and unfit as a mother.Which you're obviously not.Difficult one.You have done right by your son cos he still has a good relationship with your family.I don't think i would actually tell them anything as i think it might be misunderstood..?and just hope that if and when they do find out,that things can be smoothed out...and make sure they can't threaten your relationship with your son.I'm only putting myself in your shoes,noone but you knows how you really feel....

sorry about the strongly worded beginning,i guess i was just imagining if my family tried to take my kids away.......

EDITED_BY: woodnymph (1075708852)


BRONZE Member since Dec 2002

10th degree spoon weilder
Location: Halifax, Canada (currently in ...

Total posts: 171
Posted:My two cents... Many great people in history became that way by doing things there parents disappoved of.. All parents feel the need to control there children in some way I think.. In the end its your life. Be proud of it tongue

-Beeaaatch please, I'm the macaroni with the cheese.
-This message will self destruct in 10 seconds.


SILVER Member since Aug 2001


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas, USA

Total posts: 3899
Posted:I personally agree with woodnymph. You don't owe them anything after the crap they put you through. I say it is none of their business, and if they threaten you with CPS again, tell them you will bring a harrasment suit against them. I understand that you don't want to contaminate the relationship between your son and the rest of the family, but to me it sounds like it is their fault. You are allowed to live your life your way and have a right to expect to be free of harrasment. They only have as much power as you give them in this situation. The CPS thing can be a pain in the ass, but I am confident you are always going to win with no sweat, and there are laws in the states to protect you from this kind of harrasment. I doubt you'd even have to do more than threaten to file a harrasment suit to get them to backoff, at least if they really care about your son. Basically I see it as they are not even beginning to show the kind of consideration for you or your son that you show for your son or for them. They are the ones making this a difficult situation. Anyone in my family that would call CPS on anyone else in my family would be seriously in the doghouse with everyone else for a long time. They are not showing loyalty to you, so you do not owe it to them. And do not allow them to have the power in this situation, even if you think doing so is best for your son, because in the long run it won't be.

But I also agree with Charles. Tell them about what you feel you need to tell them about so that it isn't a weight hanging over you. It is their problem if they can't handle it. You are doing nothing wrong, and you shouldn't feel like you are.

That advice probably doesn't suit your personality, but its the way I see it so I thought I'd share it. Best of luck to you Pele, however you choose to handle it.


Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!


SILVER Member since Oct 2003


Keeper of the Spitfire
Location: Calgary Canada

Total posts: 2317
Posted:Pele, I don't know a great deal about your situation, but I do feel for you.

I went through a similar, but not so difficult, situation with my parents following my (mountain bike) accident. But unlike yours there wan't the added issue of a son being involved.
My mum came to see me in the hospital, and when I was allowed home my parents had serious talks with me. They begged me to give up riding, and it caused lots of friction between us. I couldn't give up what I loved.
But seeing them at races after this, I knew what they were going through and how much they worried. This, mixed with the knowledge that I could no longer ride as well as I used to, caused me to give up racing. frown
They were relieved, and thought it was the end of me doing 'dangerous' activities.
But I've always got my 'kicks' in life by doing stuff that is deemed dangerous by some people, and all it did was force me to go out and find something else to fill the gap that was left.
We were back to square one, but my parents learned to accept, and even love some of the stuff I do.

I don't know how much this is going to help, but its just my experience.
I would say to carry on doing what you obviously love. You will find a big hole in your life if you stop for the sake of other people.
But, saying that, its so obvious how much love you have for Noah. For his sake, attempt to find some common ground on it.

I really hope you manage to get things sorted.
Much love to you.

Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.


BRONZE Member since Apr 2002


Mistress of Pink...Multicoloured
Location: Over There, United Kingdom

Total posts: 6140
Posted:I dont have any advice to give you, what i feel has already been said on this thread,
But i will give you hug's and hope you keep us updated on it all, and that it sorts itself out. hug


Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...


BRONZE Member since Mar 2003


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth, Australia

Total posts: 5814
Posted:Some from me too.. hug hug hug hug hug hug

Family is very precious.

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:Pele, I wish I had advice. I'm usually full of it (both advice and BS biggrin ), but in this case I don't.

So how about a big hug, instead?

hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug

-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura




HOP Lord of the Pirate Admiralty
Location: Canterbury, UK

Total posts: 1079

X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program


BRONZE Member since Jun 2003


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear", United Kingdom

Total posts: 6207
Posted:while i hold my family id the higest respect, and love, as i do with my friends!

i would still go out and do fire tricks, and toys!

i know my mum dont like me doing fire breathing, and for that reason i dont do it very often, and also do to the safty reasons, and all in all, i know i have somewhat or a rep on hop between some guys and gals for being loud, sacry, and generally ott, but i am teh first in and last out of ppl, if you are hurt, i will be there until someone else with more experience will come in! but i do try to be safe, and make sure all around me are safe to, and that above all have a good time!

pele i know you are torn, i knwo you heart breaks for your rents, the ppl who made you who you are, and for noah, your son, and your love. and while i cant wave a wond and make it all better, maybe the damage is done, and now all you can do is sure up teh supports to try and stop firther damamage to the breaks?

stupid question have you asked them why they are sacred to let you do what you want? i knwo the accient will be what they return with, and they are only trying to stop anything like that happeing again, but lik eyou say you are 30 (i always pictured you older, i dont knwo why, not like 70! (but how cool would it be, being 70 and still doing fire?) but more like 40 (sorry this part has probably really put you off me now!))

in my opinion you should sit with your olds, and spend as long as it need to make them see why you still want to do it, i knwo that you accident was bad, and i know this will prob be the reason they have, and that they are sacred, but lady you are a woamn, not a 12yr old child, you knwo the risks, hell how many ppl come to you for advice, and charles, and malcome, and dom, and everyone on hop, but it may be worth trying to talk to them to see all the point you may not be seeing

and its esp important for noah, i dont have 3of my four grandaprents cos they died, and i miss them so much, and couldnt stand knowing they wer ealive but that it would cause stress to all if i wanted to see them! and what will noah grow up thinking, not about the sneaking, but about you and your rents?

pele my heart is with you, i hope you have strength when you need it, and love when you want it lady!

laterdays hug

Step (el-nombrie)