Forums > Social Chat > On not getting married....
Login/Join to ParticipateFalse Eyelash
346 posts
Location: New York City
346 posts
Location: New York City
Posted:
All this talk about kids and jealousy has got me thinking about....THE M WORD!!
So first of all...straight up....marriage is not for me. Mind you I'm all about the spiritual ceremony and kickin' party. It's the legal part I can't get my arms around - and that's the subject of this post. While the kids issue (to have or not to have) is cloudy, this one is very clear.
I understand a lot of you are married or would like to be and I'm not suggesting that's the "wrong" way to go. You do you, I do me. There are many good reasons to get married...I just don't understand them very well.
Please also know that my parents never married. (I love hearing Newt Gingrich, himself the evidence of reckless teenage whoopi, talk about the evils of unwed mothers. The ultimate "bastard" child.) In fact there has not been a solid marriage in my family for 3 generations. Everything I know about healthy relationships I've learned from my friends, their parents and now, hopefully, from you. So that definitely steers my thoughts - and there are several of them - and they're kinda strong. Here goes....
Marriage is not something everyone can participate in. So why would I want to be a part of it? The government is very clear about who is or isn't allowed to marry and that's just not what time it is.
Blended finances. One of my best friends is unhappily married. He also works harder than anyone I've ever met - his vision was to stow away a sick amount of cash and retire at 40. Now if he gets divorced she'll take half??!! How is that ok? Can we call it "mandatory generosity"? Why is that necessary?
Government control and a false sense of security. Honestly, if I need the government to confirm the stability of my relationship or dedication to the kids I may or may not have... how stable can the relationship really be? "Commitment" and "adultery" are hugely subjective terms. Not to mention that people get married and cheat or ditch their kids All The Time.
Just cuz I got a back door don't mean I gotta open it. Many people tell me I'm insecure (true) and afraid of commitment (also true). But isn't there something comforting about knowing you *can* leave if you need to? Doesn't that keep you on your toes? How many married couples get bored and complacent because they "know" they have "security" with their spouse?
Lastly... just in case there was confusion about my disillusionment... is spending the rest of your life with 1 person really reality? Why does that need to be determined at the start of the relationship? Uncertainty is exciting and interesting, no?
Phew. That was a long one. Speak out - don't be shy. I'm so interested in what you have to say.
And P.S. Would someone please - please - get me away from this website? Let's talk about HoPaholics.
All this talk about kids and jealousy has got me thinking about....THE M WORD!!
So first of all...straight up....marriage is not for me. Mind you I'm all about the spiritual ceremony and kickin' party. It's the legal part I can't get my arms around - and that's the subject of this post. While the kids issue (to have or not to have) is cloudy, this one is very clear.
I understand a lot of you are married or would like to be and I'm not suggesting that's the "wrong" way to go. You do you, I do me. There are many good reasons to get married...I just don't understand them very well.
Please also know that my parents never married. (I love hearing Newt Gingrich, himself the evidence of reckless teenage whoopi, talk about the evils of unwed mothers. The ultimate "bastard" child.) In fact there has not been a solid marriage in my family for 3 generations. Everything I know about healthy relationships I've learned from my friends, their parents and now, hopefully, from you. So that definitely steers my thoughts - and there are several of them - and they're kinda strong. Here goes....
Marriage is not something everyone can participate in. So why would I want to be a part of it? The government is very clear about who is or isn't allowed to marry and that's just not what time it is.
Blended finances. One of my best friends is unhappily married. He also works harder than anyone I've ever met - his vision was to stow away a sick amount of cash and retire at 40. Now if he gets divorced she'll take half??!! How is that ok? Can we call it "mandatory generosity"? Why is that necessary?
Government control and a false sense of security. Honestly, if I need the government to confirm the stability of my relationship or dedication to the kids I may or may not have... how stable can the relationship really be? "Commitment" and "adultery" are hugely subjective terms. Not to mention that people get married and cheat or ditch their kids All The Time.
Just cuz I got a back door don't mean I gotta open it. Many people tell me I'm insecure (true) and afraid of commitment (also true). But isn't there something comforting about knowing you *can* leave if you need to? Doesn't that keep you on your toes? How many married couples get bored and complacent because they "know" they have "security" with their spouse?
Lastly... just in case there was confusion about my disillusionment... is spending the rest of your life with 1 person really reality? Why does that need to be determined at the start of the relationship? Uncertainty is exciting and interesting, no?
Phew. That was a long one. Speak out - don't be shy. I'm so interested in what you have to say.
And P.S. Would someone please - please - get me away from this website? Let's talk about HoPaholics.
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom
Posted:
i dnt wanna get married. and if the times comes when i change my mind then im getting married in jeans and t-shirt...in a field...with cows...
i dnt wanna get married. and if the times comes when i change my mind then im getting married in jeans and t-shirt...in a field...with cows...
Pooh-Bah
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
Posted:
i agree n some ways, the time when mirriage was forever - sadly - was probably when the average life expectancy was about 55. (not for eveyone of course, and WELL DONE
to those who do make it).
My personal feeling is that i don't know if i'll end up with a blok or a bird and so marriage isn't for me - how is it right that i could marry one but not the other?
But i do like the idea of publicly saying to the world, 'this is the person i love and want to be with. We are happy and we want everyone to know!' and then having a party with all my happy people!
for that reason (and also religious ones) i would choose a handfasting which lasts for a year and a day, is NOT legally binding in any way and is just a really nice, personal ceremony to announce how great everything is.
Ah, now i've got a warm feeling inside
i agree n some ways, the time when mirriage was forever - sadly - was probably when the average life expectancy was about 55. (not for eveyone of course, and WELL DONE
to those who do make it).My personal feeling is that i don't know if i'll end up with a blok or a bird and so marriage isn't for me - how is it right that i could marry one but not the other?
But i do like the idea of publicly saying to the world, 'this is the person i love and want to be with. We are happy and we want everyone to know!' and then having a party with all my happy people!
for that reason (and also religious ones) i would choose a handfasting which lasts for a year and a day, is NOT legally binding in any way and is just a really nice, personal ceremony to announce how great everything is.
Ah, now i've got a warm feeling inside
I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.
the one and only, just like chesney
295 posts
Location: here
295 posts
Location: here
Posted:
im getting married in march and were having a pixie wedding
marraige is just a form of expressing peoples feelings for one another its obviously not a necessey thing when you love someone you love them and you dont need a piece of paper to prove it. But there can be something beautiful about declaring your bond to someone in front of those you love and care about.
and just because your not married to someone it doesn´t mean there´s an easy exit or that your not commited all it means is that you don´t have to worry about things like divorce settlements and legal jargon, a break up can take the same emotional toll on you whether your married or not .
im getting married in march and were having a pixie wedding
marraige is just a form of expressing peoples feelings for one another its obviously not a necessey thing when you love someone you love them and you dont need a piece of paper to prove it. But there can be something beautiful about declaring your bond to someone in front of those you love and care about.
and just because your not married to someone it doesn´t mean there´s an easy exit or that your not commited all it means is that you don´t have to worry about things like divorce settlements and legal jargon, a break up can take the same emotional toll on you whether your married or not .
birds might be able to fly,
but weasels dont get caught in jet engine's
Sponge
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
Posted:
I keep hearing all this stuff like marriage is a one day event and a lifetime of sacrifice?
I don't know about marriage, too young and naive to form a solid opinion on it, plus that's one thing I like about my opinions they change!!!
Some people tend to forget that,
people change lee!!!
I keep hearing all this stuff like marriage is a one day event and a lifetime of sacrifice?
I don't know about marriage, too young and naive to form a solid opinion on it, plus that's one thing I like about my opinions they change!!!
Some people tend to forget that,
people change lee!!!
Monkeys monkeys and bananas
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
My view is that ultimately, marriage should be a religious institution and not a government one. The government should offer domestic partnerships where couples can file joint taxes, make medical decisions, and the like, but not "marriage," per se.
In this day and age when 50+% of marriages end in divorce, I just don't see the point of it anymore.
Having said that, until that day comes, I resent the fact that I am not allowed to have those legal protections and arrangements with a long-term partner in my country.
My view is that ultimately, marriage should be a religious institution and not a government one. The government should offer domestic partnerships where couples can file joint taxes, make medical decisions, and the like, but not "marriage," per se.
In this day and age when 50+% of marriages end in divorce, I just don't see the point of it anymore.
Having said that, until that day comes, I resent the fact that I am not allowed to have those legal protections and arrangements with a long-term partner in my country.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
Nope, I disagree Mr. Lightning.
1) I think it's nice that those who are not religious can still declare, under the state, that they intend to stay comitted forever.
2) I don't think the rate of divorce has any bearing on the validity of marriage. I think that there are certain situations where a couple should marry, then situations change and the circumstances in which the people were married are no longer true. I don't think a divorce necessarily indicates that the marriage shouldn't have happened. As strange as that sounds. It certainly might mean that in most cases, but I don't think it has to...
Nope, I disagree Mr. Lightning.
1) I think it's nice that those who are not religious can still declare, under the state, that they intend to stay comitted forever.
2) I don't think the rate of divorce has any bearing on the validity of marriage. I think that there are certain situations where a couple should marry, then situations change and the circumstances in which the people were married are no longer true. I don't think a divorce necessarily indicates that the marriage shouldn't have happened. As strange as that sounds. It certainly might mean that in most cases, but I don't think it has to...
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
member
103 posts
Location: Oklahoma City, OK, USA
103 posts
Location: Oklahoma City, OK, USA
Posted:
Don't forget about couples who live together and file their taxes together and the government says, "hey guess what, that means you're married."
I'm scared of living with a guy and of marriage because I'm afraid the guy would screw up my finances. I don't like the idea of someone having access to bank accounts and credit card accounts and all other types of accounts that have my name on them. Maybe it's because I don't trust people and the guys I get with all seem to have bad spending habits and horrible credit. I think even if I found a guy with good financial sense I would still be unsure about that though.
Money just adds a whole new dimension to a relationship. Having to pay for my own dinner because a guy is broke is less of an issue than not being able to pay bills cuz the guy I'm living with or married to can't keep a job or keeps buying stupid stuff. I would rather he lives at his place, and I live at mine, so he's required to take care of his business and it doesn't interfere with mine. Not to mention I can escape and be alone when I feel the need.
Don't forget about couples who live together and file their taxes together and the government says, "hey guess what, that means you're married."
I'm scared of living with a guy and of marriage because I'm afraid the guy would screw up my finances. I don't like the idea of someone having access to bank accounts and credit card accounts and all other types of accounts that have my name on them. Maybe it's because I don't trust people and the guys I get with all seem to have bad spending habits and horrible credit. I think even if I found a guy with good financial sense I would still be unsure about that though.
Money just adds a whole new dimension to a relationship. Having to pay for my own dinner because a guy is broke is less of an issue than not being able to pay bills cuz the guy I'm living with or married to can't keep a job or keeps buying stupid stuff. I would rather he lives at his place, and I live at mine, so he's required to take care of his business and it doesn't interfere with mine. Not to mention I can escape and be alone when I feel the need.
GOLD Member
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
Posted:
I don't think i will marry, but i am young, and reserve the right to change my opinion at any time. I think i am also a hopeless romantic. If i ever do find someone who i truly love enough to do my personal equivilant of 'marriage' then i don't think that i would give a second thought to money or divorce. I would give my life to make the person happy, why not half of my money? Friends are much more important to me and most of my ex's are still really close, i can't see money being an issue with any of them, had we gone through with the legal (
) rigmarol of marriage.
I find it sad that the divorce rate is so high, but only because it makes me distrust my own feelings and relationships... if all of these people thought that their love would last forever and it ended, then why should mine? But i am also happy that divorce no longer has the stigma attached. I know alot of older people who are much happier divorced from there spouses, sometimes because of abuse, sometimes because they just didn't love each other anymore. I often think that my own parents would be happier living there own lives. I am sure they love and trust each other, but the lack of passion sometimes scares me.
Either way, it is totally a personal thing. I think as long as people know that it is fine to build their own relationships, rather then follow the norm, they will be happier.
I don't think i will marry, but i am young, and reserve the right to change my opinion at any time. I think i am also a hopeless romantic. If i ever do find someone who i truly love enough to do my personal equivilant of 'marriage' then i don't think that i would give a second thought to money or divorce. I would give my life to make the person happy, why not half of my money? Friends are much more important to me and most of my ex's are still really close, i can't see money being an issue with any of them, had we gone through with the legal (
) rigmarol of marriage.I find it sad that the divorce rate is so high, but only because it makes me distrust my own feelings and relationships... if all of these people thought that their love would last forever and it ended, then why should mine? But i am also happy that divorce no longer has the stigma attached. I know alot of older people who are much happier divorced from there spouses, sometimes because of abuse, sometimes because they just didn't love each other anymore. I often think that my own parents would be happier living there own lives. I am sure they love and trust each other, but the lack of passion sometimes scares me.
Either way, it is totally a personal thing. I think as long as people know that it is fine to build their own relationships, rather then follow the norm, they will be happier.
... simplify ...
I don't want a title.
940 posts
940 posts
Posted:
I complete agree with this, with the caveat that it should be left at taking it out of the hands of the government. That way each person can choose to see it as a religious institution, or alternatively, can choose to see it as a non-governmental secular institution. If I want to get married and have my college roommate perform the ceremony, why not?
That's what many people I know do already. They don't get the legal benefits, but they call themselves married after having chosen people they personally respect to perform the ceremony for them.
Quote:
My view is that ultimately, marriage should be a religious institution and not a government one. The government should offer domestic partnerships where couples can file joint taxes, make medical decisions, and the like, but not "marriage," per se.
I complete agree with this, with the caveat that it should be left at taking it out of the hands of the government. That way each person can choose to see it as a religious institution, or alternatively, can choose to see it as a non-governmental secular institution. If I want to get married and have my college roommate perform the ceremony, why not?
That's what many people I know do already. They don't get the legal benefits, but they call themselves married after having chosen people they personally respect to perform the ceremony for them.
E pluribus unum, baby.
False Eyelash
346 posts
Location: New York City
346 posts
Location: New York City
Posted:
Seems to me that the divorce rate is more of a cultural phenomenon than anything else. "If everyone else is doing it...." Not to mention that children of divorced parents are probably more likely to get divorced themselves.
But in light of that - why not get one of regyt's friends to do the ceremony, consider yourselves married and forget what the govt or anyone else has to say about it?
Why get married in the first place? What are the pros?
Quote:
2) I don't think the rate of divorce has any bearing on the validity of marriage. I think that there are certain situations where a couple should marry, then situations change and the circumstances in which the people were married are no longer true. I don't think a divorce necessarily indicates that the marriage shouldn't have happened. As strange as that sounds. It certainly might mean that in most cases, but I don't think it has to...
Seems to me that the divorce rate is more of a cultural phenomenon than anything else. "If everyone else is doing it...." Not to mention that children of divorced parents are probably more likely to get divorced themselves.
But in light of that - why not get one of regyt's friends to do the ceremony, consider yourselves married and forget what the govt or anyone else has to say about it?
Why get married in the first place? What are the pros?
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.
GOLD Member
journeyman
84 posts
Location: Ubud, Bali, Indonesia
journeyman
84 posts
Location: Ubud, Bali, Indonesia
Posted:
I'm in the process of getting out of a relationship, but I do plan to marry someday. Like someone else mentioned, our life expectancy has grown and grown and it hasn't had any affect on how long we spend developing ourselves as individuals. I have chosen to wait to marry until I have finished college, explored the world, started a career, and found myself. Only then can I be remotely certain of a decision like marriage.
I'm in the process of getting out of a relationship, but I do plan to marry someday. Like someone else mentioned, our life expectancy has grown and grown and it hasn't had any affect on how long we spend developing ourselves as individuals. I have chosen to wait to marry until I have finished college, explored the world, started a career, and found myself. Only then can I be remotely certain of a decision like marriage.
Genuineness only thrives in the dark -- like celery.
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