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Forums > Social Chat > Communication and why don't people

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:Quote:
Sadly it seems to me that more of our society turns a blind eye to things that upsets them and they let it build up to the point when their anger explodes out attacking those around them.


-Malcolm

I found this quote to be interesting and far too true, but i wanted to get it out of the quite done thread it came from and talk about it on its own. Its not only a valid observation but one that pains me. I've definetly a few friends like this, or better, people who get upset, think they arn't, and then explode like fireworks on an independance day celebration.

So I guess my question is, why is it that people do this? There are so many problems which can be solved quickly and easily with communication in the begining when they are small, and even large problems can often be solved with sufficient and respectful communication, if they are reached before an explosion point. (I'm in the process of one of those right now, even).

So why is it that people are so loathe to communicate?

Is there a way to solve that?

-Kyri


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX

Total posts: 2014
Posted:Quite simply, people are afraid of confrontation. I have seen the same thing you are commenting about way too often as well.

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pounce
SILVER Member since Jan 2003

pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...

Total posts: 9831
Posted:Quote:
Is there a way to solve that?





yup. go to therapy. i hate to boil it down to one thing, but every single person i see has the same issue.....communication. it's the underlying theme for everyone. and for different reasons. i don't think there's one solution to correct it. i mean, i could be wrong, but that's just been my experience.


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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ieuan
BRONZE Member since Sep 2003

holy man
Location: Upstate, NY

Total posts: 110
Posted:I'm all about bluntness and honesty. Sometimes it hurts and isn't always pleasant, but it saves alot of hurt and confusion in the end. People also have to realize that when someone is honest with them, it's not a personal attack(most of the time). Take it for what it's worth, work it out, and move on. I fear the aftermath of secrecy revealed alot more then the comparatively(sp?) small confrontation honesty can cause.....And now I'll get off my soap box! biggrin

NEXT! ubbloco


Gather your harps from the willow trees, dust off the ancient strings. Call the bards and prophets, let them sing healing and freedom. Let light and love flow from the strings, colors of revelation.

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bubblishis


False Eyelash
Location: New York City

Total posts: 346
Posted:Here's my theroy: People (collectively) are fundamentally insecure. People (collectively) are also drama queens. Yeah it's hard to communicate. Equally tough is feeling like you deserve the opportunity to change something that's bothering you. And too many people find an argument some sort of entertainment.

Therapy is great. A spiritual practice is great too.



All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.

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FireSpirit
SILVER Member since Mar 2001

FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe

Total posts: 743
Posted:Theripy is only expressing your feelings (venting) to someone who will in return tell you, that you just need to communicate those feelings to whomever it may concern. Or Deal with your own insecuritys, and let them go.

I think it's a lack of expressing our feelings toward people We have a problem with. Blocking of feelings for some, Or not knowing or being aware of hurting others feelings for others. rolleyes: Being a Guy I know that I have a problem expressing my feeings in a Positive and Productive way. I am always fumbling toward disaster if I have to communicate how I feel to someone with out hurting their feelings somehow.

Some people have the nack for good true communication, That is why there are Mediators. Thank the Great Spirit for Mediators! kissbeerchug kiss

~Fire Spirit



FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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pounce
SILVER Member since Jan 2003

pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...

Total posts: 9831
Posted:Quote:
Theripy is only expressing your feelings (venting) to someone who will in return tell you, that you just need to communicate those feelings to whomever it may concern. Or Deal with your own insecuritys, and let them go.



you really pidgeon-hole the whole therapeutic community with that comment.

*waits to come back later with a more appropriate comment rather than lash out in reaction*


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted:I was watcing one of those political round table discussion shows a while back and one of the participants said something like "It doesn't matter how different two sides of an arguement are, the first step in resolving them is communicating."



As someone who generally feels comfortable speaking my mind I often don't understand those who are afraid to communicate. Especially when it's important to them. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten PMs, Emails, or even pulled aside and told "Thanks for saying that, I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to speak up"...



Also, participating in the communication makes the issue more relevant. I always participated in class discusssions, most of the time simply to keep myself awake.



I definitely don't understand lurking. That's worse for me than watching someone else play a video game.


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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bubblishis


False Eyelash
Location: New York City

Total posts: 346
Posted:I dunno. I think therapy is more than venting. A good therapist can help you understand why you're having a hard time which makes it easier to understand how to not have a hard time. Therapy definitely gets filed under "either you'll enjoy it or it will be good for you" in my drawer. It's hard to do but it can have a big impact. (Can you tell I have therapist parents??)

Funny that you bring up being a guy. Not easy being a guy. I'm a girl, as it happens. Sometimes "boy communication" and "girl communication" can be different.



All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.

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FireSpirit
SILVER Member since Mar 2001

FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe

Total posts: 743
Posted:Im sorry, thats just my expiriance with theripy. It may not be the same for others. I feel however, Talking about it does Help frown.

I'll keep to myself now. ubblol


FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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bubblishis


False Eyelash
Location: New York City

Total posts: 346
Posted:No need to apologize honey. And for the love of fire **don't keep to yourself!!** This is the communication thread, after all. biggrin

Therapy sucks. Communicating sucks. I guess sometime ya gotta do stuff anyway. That sucks. tongue

And why don't my mind reading powers work on earth??!! I want a refund.



All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.

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simian


simian

110% MONKEY EVERY TIME ALL THE TIME JUST CANT STOP THE MONKEY
Location: London

Total posts: 3149
Posted:Personally i'm a little mystified by the modern assumption that problems are necessarily improved by talking.



i also disagree with the popular psychology that if problems are not vocalized they are "bottled up".



i find problems often seem most overwhelming when i'm making a big deal out of them and talking about them.



i've often seen my own and others problems resolved through quiet tolerance, rather than communication, which often can lead to conflict.



i'm not saying it's bad to talk, but it isn't always the best course of action either.



smile


"Switching between different kinds of chuu chuu sometimes gives this "urgh wtf?" effect because it's giving people the phi phenomenon."

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:yeah Simian you have a good point, sometimes if there's a problem it shouldn't be dealt with straight away, sometimes you need to think about all aspects of the problem and then act accordingly. Perhaps to talk about it, perhaps not to bother.
And I don't think that when a problem is bottled up it's because of the person bottling it up, but more of their society's influence (from Family to Country) on them through their upbringing that stops them from expressing themselves as they need to, be it for fear of retaliation or whatever. It's culture that needs the therapy, giving therapy to the folks who can't express themselves is only treating the syptoms, not the cause.


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted:Actually, simian, you're right.

My mom used to say "There's a difference between saying something and being effective." Often times when things are just "said" it's not in an effective manner. Not saying something is sometimes more effective.

But I do think that there are more times when I feel that people who don't speak up, should have... than when I feel that someone has said something that they shouldn't have.

Then again, talk is cheap. Some people are living totally different lives between what they say and what they do.


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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Spanner
BRONZE Member since Feb 2003

Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere...

Total posts: 2790
Posted:Quote:
And I don't think that when a problem is bottled up it's because of the person bottling it up, but more of their society's influence (from Family to Country) on them through their upbringing that stops them from expressing themselves as they need to, be it for fear of retaliation or whatever.



Custom Bug, that's exactly how I feel. Realising this hasn't solved all my problems, but I've been happier for doing so. smile


"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

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pounce
SILVER Member since Jan 2003

pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...

Total posts: 9831
Posted:Quote:

i also disagree with the popular psychology that if problems are not vocalized they are "bottled up".





that's the problem with pop psychology...it's the stuff that flies off the shelf at the bookstore, the [censored] that Dr. Phil in all his wisdom (note: sarcasm) spouts out, the crap the people tell their friends because they took one course in psychology in college. but it's not what the field says. it's on a case by case basis. people don't need to talk about their problems if they're handling it themselves. they don't need to hash it out with the other person if it serves no purpose. i often ask my clients (and myself) is this argument going to be important to you in 5 years from now? are you going to wish you had/hadn't talked this out? answer that question, and go from there.


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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Pali
GOLD Member since Jan 2003

Pali

journeyman
Location: Ubud, Bali, Indonesia

Total posts: 84
Posted:Sometimes it's hard to allow yourself to see what's going on in a situation. You've seen the signs, you know the consequences, but thinking of the consequences makes your head spin and your world turn upside-down.

The only way I've found to overcome a problem like this is to verbalize it and let all of the emotions work their way out - in my case, cry. But most people feel it is bad to allow someone else to see them crying, and thus avoid discussing the issue. There's the rub.


Genuineness only thrives in the dark -- like celery.

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bubblishis


False Eyelash
Location: New York City

Total posts: 346
Posted:So ultimately, you have to choose your battles.


All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.

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