SteelWngs
BRONZE Member since Aug 2001

SteelWngs

member
Location: Malden, Massachusetts United S...

Total posts: 169
Posted:They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.And this year's nominees are:9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award (awarded to people for incredible feats of stupidity) goes to.... Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.------------------Blessings to all, Peter "In motion, move like a thundering wave. When still, be like a mountain.Rising up, be like a monkey. Land swiftly and lightly like a bird. Be steadylike a rooster on one leg. One's stance is as firm as a pine tree, yetexpresses motion. Spin swiftly and circularly like a wheel. Bend and flexlike a bow. Waft gracefully like a leaf in the wind. Sink like a heavy pieceof metal. Prey like a watchful, gliding eagle. Accelerate like a gusty wind." Wushu Proverb

Blessings to all,
Peter
When you find yourself in the company of a halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember, you do not have to outrun the Dragon ...you just have to outrun the halfling.

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Tanzen
BRONZE Member since Feb 2002

member
Location: Jacksonville, Florida USA

Total posts: 55
Posted:While the number 1 (golf guy) was the funniest...it can't count because the guy didn't die.So, I'll go with number 5.Tanzen------------------Ravers don't share glowsticks!

Ravers don't share glowsticks!

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Pele
BRONZE Member since Dec 2000

Pele

the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:Based on sheer stupidity..the "Ball Shiner" really should win, but since he isn't dead...#6 made me laugh the hardest.Damn! I feel smart now!
Non-Https Image Link
------------------Pele Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir...http://www.pyromorph.com


Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

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Malcolm
SAPPHIRE Member since Nov 2003

Malcolm

HOP admin
Location: New Zealand

Total posts: 1029
Posted:I remember a story about a guy (who did not die)He was sitting in his car on the side of the road flashing his lights and tooting the horn and waving. Someone eventually pulled over to see what was the matter.They found that the guy had his pants down and was sitting over the gear stick and was a bit stuck. Police and Fire service were called. They all tried for a long time to get the man off the gear stick. Many people tried to help, and had ideas of lifting legs and twists etc. Still no luck so they decided to hacksaw off the gear stick to get a better angle for pulling it out. Still no luck. So an ambulance was called and he was taken to hospital whilst lying on his front.Note: Home of Poi does not accept any liability for any loss or damage which may directly or indirectly result from trying any ideas of stupidity contained in this thread.
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May your balls always burn

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Pele'sWhippingBoy


member
Location: Rochester, NY, USA

Total posts: 442
Posted:I've got a list of "From the men who can't buy gifts" file section of my joke email list. I'll post them all here when I get all of them together.Here's one about a coworker:His wife and he set a $100 cap on Christmas gifts. They have a child and are getting used to being a 1 income family. She bought him a small CD Player/Radio. He bought her a $26 cat door for the kitchen to basement door. He says that "he installed it" so that adds a few dollars to the value of the gift. Personally I find it embarrasing but I hope she's happy with it.The reason I mention these as these men could be nominees for the Darwin awards if their women felt like killing them.One of my more favorite official Darwin Award Nominees, however:A man bought a helium tank and 40 weather balloons. Tied the filled balloons to a lawn chair, which was tied to his Jeep, grabbed a few sandwiches and a BB Gun. His plan was to float around his backyard then shoot the balloons to come back down. When he untied the anchor line he shot up to about 3000 ft (approx 1000 meters) and was too scared to shoot any of the balloons. He floated into Los Angeles Airport airspace and was reported as "a man in a chair with a rifle." They finally got him with a rescue helicopter. His response to why he did this? "Well, a man just can't sit around."------------------FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB."Those who can, do. Those who can't, critique"Pyromorph.com - Let the fire change you

FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. - Homer Jay Simpson

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SickpuPpy


SickpuPpy

Ninja Rockstar!
Location: Denver, Co. U.S.A.

Total posts: 1100
Posted:Tanzen, the ball shiner story does count for the Darwin awards, as you don't actually have to die to receive one, you only have to remove yourself from the gene pool. Due to the fact that he was forever seperated from one of his bollocks, and the other mangled quite beyond use he is more than eligable for the award.------------------If you love something, set it on fire.

Jesus helps me trick people.

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SteelWngs
BRONZE Member since Aug 2001

SteelWngs

member
Location: Malden, Massachusetts United S...

Total posts: 169
Posted:Sick, But tell me you didn't cringe when you read the "ball washer" story.OUCH!!I'm wondering what his friends did during the incident. LOL------------------Blessings to all, Peter "In motion, move like a thundering wave. When still, be like a mountain.Rising up, be like a monkey. Land swiftly and lightly like a bird. Be steadylike a rooster on one leg. One's stance is as firm as a pine tree, yetexpresses motion. Spin swiftly and circularly like a wheel. Bend and flexlike a bow. Waft gracefully like a leaf in the wind. Sink like a heavy pieceof metal. Prey like a watchful, gliding eagle. Accelerate like a gusty wind." Wushu Proverb

Blessings to all,
Peter
When you find yourself in the company of a halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember, you do not have to outrun the Dragon ...you just have to outrun the halfling.

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Tanzen
BRONZE Member since Feb 2002

member
Location: Jacksonville, Florida USA

Total posts: 55
Posted:You're absolutly correct...sorry I didn't realize that. Okay...the idiot golfer gets my vote.
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Tanzen------------------Ravers don't share glowsticks!


Ravers don't share glowsticks!

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_VT_
SILVER Member since Jul 2003

Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx, USA

Total posts: 1173
Posted:*bump*
It's that time of year again! An email I got from a friend, thought some might find it funny, I did.

Yes, its that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chefs claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasnt discovered for three days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that hed just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, thats her. Thats the lady I stole the purse from.

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor homes sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh hed had in years.

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. -Benjamin Franklin


Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

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alien_oddity


alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees

Total posts: 7193
Posted:ubblol it's a bit late and i'm too tired to read through all of these but there was one girl at my last job that i swear will be getting a darwin award later in life ubblol


she wasn't the sharpest peanut in the turd, there was one day that made m certain she was an inbreed or something. i had been to the pub for lunch (liquid) and when i was back at work she was asking where i was at lunch so i told her "i went for a quick pint" then she asked if someone else was in there with me and seeing as they where in there EVERY lunch time it was a stupid question to ask ubblol

anyway, no sooner had she said that then she came out with " i smell booze on you" ubblol

I'VE BEEN TO THE BLOODY PUB, I JUST TOLD YOU THAT!!!!! ubblol

like i say..................it's a matter of time wink


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Rouge Dragon
BRONZE Member since Jul 2003

Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction, Aus...

Total posts: 13215
Posted:hilarious!!!

but i thought to even get a mention you had to take yourself out of the gene pool? confused


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Groovy_Dream
SILVER Member since May 2005

Groovy_Dream

addict
Location: , Australia

Total posts: 449
Posted:I'd say snowly should be in there too, a chinese girl who was so badly addicted to World of Warcraft that she spent 3 days playing it straight, and died of fatigue.

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Rouge Dragon
BRONZE Member since Jul 2003

Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction, Aus...

Total posts: 13215
Posted:ubblol ubblol ubblol

is that even possible?

ubblol ubblol ubblol


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Fathom
SILVER Member since Jan 2005

Fathom

member
Location: Online!, USA

Total posts: 103
Posted:that las t one about the ball sh8iner hurt too much to read

Kangaroo Island eh? I hear that place is really hopping!

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rin_666
SILVER Member since Jul 2006

rin_666

enthusiast
Location: cambridge, United Kingdom

Total posts: 223
Posted:My favourite darwin award is this guy: determined to kill himself the man decided he would do the job properly. So he tied a noose around his neck attatched to a tree on the edge of a cliff, swallowed some poison and in case they didn't work had a shotgun as well to finish the job. Well, when he jumped off the cliff the jerk on the rope caused him to fire the gun which shot through the roe and sent him plummetting into the sea below, he swallowed so much sea water that he threw up the poison. Upon being rescued he was taken t hospital where he died of pnuemonia.

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alien_oddity


alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees

Total posts: 7193
Posted:eek hats extreem rin ubblol talk about unlucky

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faith enfire
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin, USA

Total posts: 3556
Posted:9 reminds me of the people who have tried to mug me...i usually start going off on them about how i don't have any money and i'm so poor that they should give me money. i'm working the streets like them but at least i don't try and go around and scare females into handing over their purses...etc
someone actually gave me money after i snapped on him
they all apologized


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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Krisko
SILVER Member since Dec 2006

Krisko

newbie
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

Total posts: 22
Posted:#9 seriously made me spit out my pop... lol
And seriously.. if a guy thinks he can stick his balls in the golf course ball washer, how the hell can he smart enough to play golf in the first place?

haha.. priceless.

Ima take a break and read the other set


They're just circles.. anything's possible

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