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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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TheApprovingNinja
TheApprovingNinja

From the Ashes of a Ninja Rise THE HIPS OF RAGE
Location: Edinburgh
Member Since: 8th Jul 2003
Total posts: 371
Posted:A continuation of the pink fluff joke

what's pink and fluffy

Pink Fluff

What's Blue and Fluffy

Pink Fluff in Disguse

What's White and Fluffy

Dead Pink Fluff

What's Big Green and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you

A golf course

say those really fast on after another and it works trust me biggrin


Viva UGLY STAFF

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thegoodfella
member
Location: LA area
Member Since: 7th Feb 2004
Total posts: 12
Posted:why does Michael Jackson like sleeping with 28 year olds?

Because there is 20 of them!



a white guy, a black guy a mexican guy and a chinese guy are driving down a desert highway. all of a sudden they get a flat. they pull over to the side of the road, and the white guy takes charge. he looks to the black guy and tells him to go get food. the white guy looks to the mexican guy and tells him to go get a tire, and he looks at the chinese guy and cant think of anything else to get...so he tell him to go and get some supplies for their trip. a couple of hours later...the black guy and the mexican guy come walking up to the car...where the white guy is enjoying a cigarette. the white guy looks to the black guy and the mexican guy and says "hey...where the chinese guy?" they both look at each other and then at the white guy..."we thought he was with you!" the white guy replys "i thought he was with you guys". all of a sudden the chinese guy jumps out from behind the car, and yells "Supplies!"


Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?

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poikid
member
Location: Sultan,WA
Member Since: 23rd Oct 2003
Total posts: 68
Posted:i dont mean to be rude or start a fight or anything... but is there really a reason to make fun of Michael Jackson? how does his problems , IF they are true, effect your life? if he does molest little boys which i dont believe, then thats his problems and he'll pay for it. i dont understand why you should be making rather mean remarks about him... and lol good one with the chinese guy wave

In order to achieve what most people cant, you must do what most people wont

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_VT_
Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx
Member Since: 15th Jul 2003
Total posts: 1173
Posted:YEA! i wanna hear some jokes on Howard Dean and his rampant pcp usage! tongue

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

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pounce
pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...
Member Since: 10th Jan 2003
Total posts: 9831
Posted:Quote:
i dont mean to be rude or start a fight or anything... but is there really a reason to make fun of Michael Jackson? how does his problems , IF they are true, effect your life? if he does molest little boys which i dont believe, then thats his problems and he'll pay for it. i dont understand why you should be making rather mean remarks about him... and lol good one with the chinese guy wave



you may want to think about being consistent in your criticisms. why is it bad to make fun of michael jackson but ok to make fun of other ethnicities (i.e. the language issue in the joke)? imo, we're better off not telling jokes that make fun of anyone, hence part of the reason i like stupid jokes.


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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bubblishis
False Eyelash
Location: New York City
Member Since: 27th Dec 2003
Total posts: 346
Posted:Quote:
YEA! i wanna hear some jokes on Howard Dean and his rampant pcp usage! tongue



ubblol ubblol ubblol

But did he inhale?



All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the
side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"
The parrot answers "Yes I did."
So the burglar says , "What's your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence."
The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"
The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'!! biggrin


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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TheSilverShadow
TheSilverShadow

Uncle Chop Chop
Location: Time is the Fire in which we b...
Member Since: 1st Aug 2003
Total posts: 213
Posted:
Why was 6 scared of 7???

because 7 8 9 smile


"Do you know what the Phantom is??"
--------------

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ASTRO FAERIE
ASTRO FAERIE

ummmmmmm.............
Location: Rotherham, UK
Member Since: 4th Mar 2003
Total posts: 724
Posted:If music be the food of love.........
Why can't rabbits play banjo's?? ubblol


Only when the last tree has died
and the last river has been poisoned
and the last fish has been caught
will we realise that we
cannot eat money.

Cree Indian, 1909

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BigDav
BigDav

member
Location: Derry, N. Ireland
Member Since: 20th Jul 2003
Total posts: 175
Posted:What is green, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you???

A Snooker table

BOOM BOOM!!!


Be Good, and if you DONT be Good, Buy a Pram!

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Mand
Mand

Keeper of the Spitfire
Location: Calgary Canada
Member Since: 24th Oct 2003
Total posts: 2317
Posted:Whats big, grey, and can't swim?

A carpark! ubblol


Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.

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Twisthem488
Twisthem488

member
Location: USA
Member Since: 27th Jan 2004
Total posts: 187
Posted:how many golfers does it take to change a lightbult?

just one, but he needs to use at least 3 lightbulbs. hug


Im a Thespian, But I'll Act Normal Around You Guys

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mech
mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted:Quote:
how many golfers does it take to change a lightbult?

just one, but he needs to use at least 3 lightbulbs. hug



i dont get it!


Step (el-nombrie)

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:A NOT-SO-DESERTED ISLAND!

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks.
He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean----", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here?!"


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:ubblol ubblol ubblol

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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Twisthem488
Twisthem488

member
Location: USA
Member Since: 27th Jan 2004
Total posts: 187
Posted:Quote:
Quote:
how many golfers does it take to change a lightbult?

just one, but he needs to use at least 3 lightbulbs. hug



i dont get it!



ahhh, i was reading golfer jokes atm. It was SUPPOSED to read:

How many JUGGLERS does it take to change a lightbulb


Im a Thespian, But I'll Act Normal Around You Guys

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room and in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" said George.

The devil opened a third door. Inside, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread- eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you! We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe! The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I will take ze sword!" The chief gives him a sword and the Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" He then runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out! The Texan says, "Give me a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the chest, everywhere! The Texan has blood gushing out all over! The chief is shocked. He asks the Texan, "What are you doing?!"
The Texan replies....

"So much for your canoe!!!"


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Jez
addict
Location: UK, London
Member Since: 11th Apr 2001
Total posts: 642
Posted:Here is one I found today that made me giggle...



One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.



We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.



The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.



My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."



My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.



Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.



He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.



and another...



a woman pops in2 her local hardware store 4 a door handle as she gives it 2 the shop keeper he says would u like a screw 4 that,the woman glances round the shop and replies no but il suck u off 4 that toaster



another



A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"



"Yeah?!" she replies."When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"





one more



A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.



The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next day's race, and this time it won. The paper then read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper's headline the next day read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.



This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.



The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.



This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey & lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.



Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.



The Bishop was buried the next day.



ubblol



'Happiness is liking peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.'

'If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.'

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Jez
addict
Location: UK, London
Member Since: 11th Apr 2001
Total posts: 642
Posted:ok I have found one more which made me giggle til I fell over...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"


'Happiness is liking peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.'

'If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.'

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bubblishis
False Eyelash
Location: New York City
Member Since: 27th Dec 2003
Total posts: 346
Posted:Why didn't Barbie and Ken ever have kids?

Because they came in separate boxes.



All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.

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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:wot goes 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa'.....


......a sheep with no lips! ubbtickled


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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:ubblolubblolubblolubblolubblolubblolubblol

My girlfriend will love that....she has a thing for sheep (no not like that! wink)


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Tao Star
Tao Star

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol
Member Since: 30th May 2003
Total posts: 1662
Posted:what goes oooooooooooooooo?

a cow with no lips!

similar theme there...


I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.

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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:Quote:
what goes oooooooooooooooo?

a cow with no lips!

similar theme there...



no way i was just about to post that!

What do you call a deer with no eyes......no idea (no eyed deer, geddit?!)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs......still no idea hehehe


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Silvur
Silvur

sumthin sumin smmnm....
Location: home sweet home
Member Since: 4th Sep 2003
Total posts: 372
Posted:What did the baby porcupine say to the cactus?


Are you my mama?


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certifiedloon
newbie
Location: currently New Zealand
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 29
Posted:hehe quality... i got a load of Peter Kay one-liners..

Old people... you can't beat em... pity

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra!

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day
I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

biggrin Hehe he's classic! And one that I didn't bite from Mr. Kay...

Two elephants and a tin can fall off a cliff...

Boom boom tsch

eek shocking!




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Valura
Valura

Mumma Hen
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Member Since: 25th Apr 2002
Total posts: 6391
Posted:whats the difference between a 17 cm penis and and hayfever?


well none really they both make your eyes water ubblol


TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

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Fire Bunny
Fire Bunny

veteran
Location: Now in the land of Oz
Member Since: 27th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1260
Posted:ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol

What if we think the jokes on them,
But really - the jokes on us....

and also... i wuv Rougie *snuz*

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