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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Konsti
Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
Member Since: 16th Oct 2003
Total posts: 785
Posted:Written by:
IM SORRY!!! PLS FORGIVE ME!!



NO NEVER!
*slaps stickman with a white glove*


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:smile .... carry on with the sick stupid jokes that i cant understand , its quite interesting , realy ubblol

thanks for the tip biggrin


i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:ok you want stupid jokes? didnt bother to read the whole thread so i dont know if theyve been told already.. if so.. TOO BAD!!
whats brown and sticky?

a stickubblol



whats white but you cant see it?

dunno, ive never seen it. ubblol



how do you get four elephants into a mini cooper?

two in the front, two in the back ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol

enough? or do you want more.... *insert dramatic music here*


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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:hey troubled badger, you must know some good jokes to tell.. youre always full of them.. go on then, lets hear them..

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:oh, i know a really long one too.. it can get pretty frustrating to read, and to write, so ill leave it till i wake up.. right now its time for bed..
ill keep you all in suspence
muahahahaha!! victory is mine!


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...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:Written by: stickman

how do you get four elephants into a mini cooper?

two in the front, two in the back ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol





dude you dont even know the joke !!!

its = how do you get 4 elephants in a mini ?
2 in front , 2 in back and the trucks in the boot! ubblol

how do you know if theres been an elephant in your fridge?
theres foot prints in the butter !

how do you know if there are elephants in your house ?
theres a mini parked outside !

biggrin

by the way the "whats white but cant see it joke " LOVED IT ! ubblol


wink


i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

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flid
flid

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Warwickshire
Member Since: 27th Aug 2002
Total posts: 3136
Posted:do you have any practical advice for elephant detection if you don't have butter in your fridge? confused

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:ok, so as promised here is that really looooooong joke.. prepare yourselves.. as i have to too.. grab some popcorn, a cuppa, a sofa, you get the picture.. ok here goes
*cracks knuckles and inhales and exhales deeply*

so, once upon a time, there was this guy named fred who lived on a small tropical island in the carribean. as a child fred was always fond of fish and the deep blue, so reaching his mid-thirties he realised that he had never gone scuba diving before, and that if he didnt do it soon, hed be too old and then miss out on his lifelong dream.. so, being the impulsive (hmmmmm??) person that he was, he immediately drove down to the nearest scuba diving shop, to stock up on supplies.. he figured if hes gonna do this, he might as well do it right and buy his own gear. that way he can enjoy it longer than 3 hours.

upon arrival at the shop, the thing that struck him the most was the dullness of the colors of the gear, everything was green, or blue, or black.. this was not his style, but he dicides to try on some flippers anyways to get the size right.. he finds a pair that fit him but is disgusted by the blue, so he walks over to the clerk and asks him if he has the same size in bright yellow with green dots and a purple lining around it.. the clerk looks at him oddly but replies with a friendly smile that they would have to be ordered and that fred can pick them up in about two weeks..

so, two weeks later he gets a phone call from the diving shop that he can pick up his flippers.. in his excitement, fred forgot to order a wetsuit too.. so, the same story, he finds one that fits him, but doesnt like the color.. no, fred prefers fluorescent pink with bright orange triangles and gold sparkles.. thats his kind of wetsuit, oh yea baby.. but unfortunately one like that has to be custom made and will arrive in about a month.. fred is upset, but realises there is nothing he can do about it..

so about a month later, as promised, he can pick up his wetsuit.. but he realises as he walks in the shop again that he forgot some essentials: (ill cut it short a bit) a bcd, a mask, perhaps a snorkel, and most importantly, an oxygen tank.. so, all have to be ordered to fit freds odd yet quaintly charming taste in color.. and within two months he has all the gear hell need to go on his first ever diving trip..

excited and with all his brightly colored gear in place and working properly, he runs to the edge of a pier and jumps off, but because of the weight of the tank, flips upside down and lands head first on a rock just below the surface of the water..
for five months fred is in a coma, but when he finally awakes, there is only one thing he can think about, one word that he sputters over and over: boat, boat, boat.. two weeks later he is out of the hospital and back at the diving shop to order a custom made boat, a purple one, with blue polka dots and a yellow smiley face at the front.. its just a little speedboat, but enought to carry him to deeper waters..
FINALLY (yea i know, its almost over) fred gets the chance to swim with the fish like he has always dreamed of.. the colors were amazing, his favorite infact: brightly colored fish of all the colors of the rainbow, the sunlight spilling down through the uneven surface of the water.. suddenly fred notices another boat on the suface, and knowing that its not his, he goes to the surface to see whos it is.. in the boat there are two men talking, arguing actually. fred overhears a portion of the conversation.

one man said to the other one, "i wanna sit in the middle."
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

sorry for wasting all of your time, but i hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it (????? dunno how much that is realy)


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...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:yea , peanutbutter ! ubblol

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:i dont get it.. peanutbutter?? whats that got to do with the price of fish? ubbloco

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Konsti
Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
Member Since: 16th Oct 2003
Total posts: 785
Posted:yeah but i have been told by the mods to keep it pg, u know

"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:Whats E.T. short for?

He only has little legs

Why dont blind men go skydiving?
It scares the sh*t out of the dogs


An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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Wild Child
Wild Child

Star Trekker
Location: Cheshire
Member Since: 2nd Sep 2004
Total posts: 1733
Posted:What's the difference between a duck?

One of it's legs is both the same


'The last rays of crimson on the spindle tree as the cerise fruit splits and reveals its orange seeds in a gloriously clashing colour scheme no-one would ever dare to wear'
Euonymous Europeus

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:Written by: PyroWill



Why dont blind men go skydiving?
It scares the sh*t out of the dogs





ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol
OMG.. that is absolutely brilliant.. hahaha
good one old chap!


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mcp
mcp

Flying Water Muppet
Location: Edin-borrow.
Member Since: 20th May 2003
Total posts: 5276
Posted:Whats brown and sticky?

Chocolate Pritt-Stick


"the now legendary" - Kaskade
"the still legendary" - Kaskade

I spunked in my friend's aquarium and the fish ate it. I love all fish. Especially the pink ones. They are my bitches. - Anon.

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:i know its ace isnt it

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:Written by: ...{SAFE}...


should i take offence to this joke ???? confused

ubblol



only if you dress like me wink


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...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:Written by: *Aime*

Written by: ...{SAFE}...


should i take offence to this joke ???? confused

ubblol



only if you dress like me wink



could you please send me your catalogs . i would also like for you to note , which clothes you do have and which ones you'll be getting next year ! biggrin


i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

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poi_player
poi_player

member
Location: USA
Member Since: 15th Oct 2004
Total posts: 121
Posted:how about some blonde jokes? (no offense to blondes, i just know a bunch of them ) biggrin

If you're a pyro and you know it, clap your hands!
clap clap

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Penguin Sven
Penguin Sven

member
Location: Australia,Vic
Member Since: 12th Jun 2004
Total posts: 185
Posted:whats green, fluffy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table


"glow bugs, to slow to resist eating, to bitter to eat more than one handfull in a sitting" toothpaste for dinner

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JauntyJames
JauntyJames

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hampshire College, MA, USA
Member Since: 22nd Dec 2004
Total posts: 3533
Posted:two elephants are sitting in a bath, one says: "Pass the soap."
the other says: "No soap, radio!"


-James

"How do you know if you're happy or sad without a mask? Or angry? Or ready for dessert?"

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Penguin Sven
Penguin Sven

member
Location: Australia,Vic
Member Since: 12th Jun 2004
Total posts: 185
Posted:An egg and a piece of bacon are sitting in a jar.
What did the egg say to the bacon?

nothing, eggs can't talk.

the exeption: www.weebl.jolt.co.uk


"glow bugs, to slow to resist eating, to bitter to eat more than one handfull in a sitting" toothpaste for dinner

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Flame Boy
Flame Boy

veteran
Location: Out
Member Since: 13th Jul 2004
Total posts: 1508
Posted:Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying

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vaperloc...the mighty
vaperloc...the mighty

look @my member
Location: Ft worth Texas
Member Since: 12th Aug 2002
Total posts: 466
Posted:I'll start,
Okay one morning a boy wakes up and runs screaming to his paretnts ,"I had a dream that aunt flo was going to die " His parents reassured him that it was just a dream.
that day they got a call saying aunt flo had indeed died.
Well a few weeks went by and the kid woke up and screamed to his parents " I had a dream that daddy was gonna die" well of course they reassured him again that it was just a dream .
That night the father got home and started to complain about his day when the wife interrupted him. "you think you had a bad day , I was cleaning house and the mailman just dropped dead on the doorstep."


There are no obstacles only challenges.
Very funny scotty now beam down my pants.
[colour."green"}What would willie do?

AHH theres too many wee leprechauns i cannae squash them all

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peles_paynim
peles_paynim

member
Location: the fascist states of amerika
Member Since: 12th Dec 2004
Total posts: 80
Posted:what goes clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
thud
a centipede with a wooden leg

ok, this one kinda needs another person but...
you ever see birds flying together?
yes
you notice how they always fly in a V?
yes
ever notice how one side is always longer than the other?
yes
why do you thinks that is?
i don't know
cuz there's more birds on that side!

i get people with that every time


real eyes
realize
real lies

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Supafly
TNT
Location: Charlotte, NC
Member Since: 27th Apr 2001
Total posts: 173
Posted:"Catholic Girls"

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"


Fear the evil monkey!

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vaperloc...the mighty
vaperloc...the mighty

look @my member
Location: Ft worth Texas
Member Since: 12th Aug 2002
Total posts: 466
Posted:okay one day a black man was walking home from the grocery store .as he passed a steep hill the bottom of one bacg rips and a whell of cheese falls out and rolls down the hill.
at the same time a hispanic man was kneeling at the bottom of the hill praying for god to help him feed his family when this wheel of cheese lands at his feet.
thinking it was a gift from god he picks it up and runs all the way home and tells his wife ,"here make nachos.but ,she replied I want enchiladas tonight"
No he said ,god told me to make nachos ,the whole way home he kept sayin "THATS NACO CHEESE , THATS NOT CHO CHEESE!!!!



rimshot


There are no obstacles only challenges.
Very funny scotty now beam down my pants.
[colour."green"}What would willie do?

AHH theres too many wee leprechauns i cannae squash them all

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PK_
PK_

Lambretta Fanatic

Member Since: 20th Dec 2001
Total posts: 4991
Posted:Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Carrier Bag?

One is plastic, dangerous and you wouldn't give to your children

The other is a Carrier Bag.


PK.

"To be an angel, one need not have wings.
In giving love there is an equal grace.
Nor need one seek the aura in the face,
As love unveils the beauty of all things."

*Francois Couperin.

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Penguin Sven
Penguin Sven

member
Location: Australia,Vic
Member Since: 12th Jun 2004
Total posts: 185
Posted:what does sadam and little miss muphet have in common?

they both have curds in thier way


"glow bugs, to slow to resist eating, to bitter to eat more than one handfull in a sitting" toothpaste for dinner

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And all that's jazz
member
Location: just behind your left shoulder
Member Since: 29th Jan 2005
Total posts: 92
Posted:OK, well I have this friend right, he's one of these pun fanatics, given any particular sentence with even the slightest whiff of double entendre he'll pick it, wick it and giggle for a good 5 minutes. One of those types. Just like me.

Anyway, our local library (at which the library has the same slightly manic sense of wordplay) decided to run a pun competition, yeah? See who can post the best pun up on the bulletin board, whoever wins gets some amazing prize like your own personal embossed copy of 'A History of Concreting in Sweden' (and yes, that's a real book).

Well, this friend of mine really wanted to win right? So he entered as many puns as he could, stuck no less than ten damn puns up on this board, hoping that at least one pun would win. Unfortunately, he had recently fallen out of favour with the librarian (something about a driveby concerning unpaid restitution of the literary kind) and as a result, though he entered ten puns hoping they would win, no pun in ten did.


C8H18 + 12.5O2 ---------> 8CO2 + 9H2O + you know what

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