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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Rossco
Rossco

Official HoP hobbity potato monster!
Location: Cardiff, The Diffshire
Member Since: 4th Mar 2004
Total posts: 434
Posted:Ha ha! Make them all ugly again! cheeky!

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
A Wonkey!

What dou you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye?
A Winkey Wonkey!

What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye that plays piano?
A Plinky Plonky Winkey Wonkey!

What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye that plays piano in a 50's style?
A Honky Tonky Plinky Plonky Winkey Wonkey!

Sorry but its all my early afternoon brain will allow! confused


O.B.E.S.E. Official Potato man.

Remeber kids.... Its all fun and games until someone loses a bol**ck! biggrin

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originalsmit
originalsmit

addict
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall ...
Member Since: 28th Aug 2003
Total posts: 469
Posted:for the irish

paddy and mick sitting in a cave. paddy says
'dark in here isnt it'
mick says
'dunno i cant see'


my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter

Delete

Rossco
Rossco

Official HoP hobbity potato monster!
Location: Cardiff, The Diffshire
Member Since: 4th Mar 2004
Total posts: 434
Posted:Ok ok

There are 2 cows standing in a field, one turns to the other and says Mooooo.
Then the 2nd cow turns to the 1st and says I was gonna say that!

i actually just heard that and the woman who told was laughing a little too much for my liking.... shes a weirdo!
rolleyes


O.B.E.S.E. Official Potato man.

Remeber kids.... Its all fun and games until someone loses a bol**ck! biggrin

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down!!!


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Ever wondered....

why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

why doctors call what they do "practice"?

why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows xp?

why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Rossco
Rossco

Official HoP hobbity potato monster!
Location: Cardiff, The Diffshire
Member Since: 4th Mar 2004
Total posts: 434
Posted:did you hear the secret version with the third nun with a washing machine on her head?

she was sister matic!! biggrin

I now feel like ive lost all pride and dignity in my jokes! confused not that i ever had any in the first place!


O.B.E.S.E. Official Potato man.

Remeber kids.... Its all fun and games until someone loses a bol**ck! biggrin

Delete

Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and lean.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
biggrin ubbrollsmile




Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a good place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's an even better one. At MacDougall's, ye buy a drink, then ye buy another drink, and MacDougall himself will buy yir third drink!"

All the others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah fellas, dat soundsa lika a nica bara, butta whera iya cumma fromma , dere's a bettar one-a. Ina Roma, dere's thisa place-a, called Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, youwa buya a drinka, Vincenzo buysa youwa a drinka. Youwa buya anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great, does ya? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis pub called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid all night long!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"Feckin' Jaysus no!" replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"


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*poppy*
*poppy*

member
Location: Leicester, England.
Member Since: 13th Apr 2004
Total posts: 27
Posted:What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil who came to the inflatable school with a pin?

You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the whole school down.

ubbrollsmile ubbrollsmile ubbrollsmile ubbrollsmile


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the screeming flaming dude
Yes, as a matter of fact, i do use fire poi. Why do you ask?
Location: inside your head
Member Since: 10th Apr 2004
Total posts: 104
Posted:What do you call a Crazy smart 3 legged donkey with one eye that plays piano in a 50's style?

(deep breath)

A Zany Brainy Honky Tonky Plinky Plonky Winkey Wonkey!

someone try n beat that!
just keep adding on


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
--------------------------------------------------------
HEY, I COULD SPIN THAT!

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PsychoTronic(old)
PsychoTronic(old)

member
Location: Samos-Piraeus-Athens_Greece
Member Since: 3rd Apr 2004
Total posts: 64
Posted:There was Totos who was walking near by his house.As he was walking he saw a nun.So... he bits the s.. out of her and say: Batman sucks wink

The only thing constant in life is change...

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:A vacationing penguin................

.............. is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's Oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walkaround town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth,

"It's just ice cream."


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.


One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished
around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:A little paper bag was feeling unwell so he went to see his GP.

" Doctor I don't feel good " said the little paper bag.

" Hmm" said the Doctor, " You look OK to me but I'll run a blood test, see what shows and come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back to the GPs Surgery for the results. "What is wrong with me ?" asked the little paper bag.

" I'm afraid you are HIV positive " said the Doctor.

" No, No I can't be, I'm just a little paper bag" said the little paper bag.

" Have you been having unprotected sex ? " asked the Doctor

" NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag "

" Well then have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the Doctor.

" NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag ! "

" Perhaps you have been abroad lately and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?" queried the Doctor.

" NO - I don't have a passport - I'm just a litle paper bag!"

" Well then ", said the Doctor, " are you in a homosexual relationship? "

" NO - I told you, I cannot do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag."

" Well there can only be one possible explanation" said the Doctor.

" Your Mother must have been a carrier." ubblol


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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certifiedloon
newbie
Location: currently New Zealand
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 29
Posted:[To all the vegetarians]

If we weren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?


Delete

MiG
MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG
Member Since: 16th Apr 2004
Total posts: 3415
Posted:what do you call a dog with no legs?

who cares, its not going to come anyway



Where do you find a dog with no legs?

where you put it



what do you call a smart blonde?

a golden retreiver



how do you get four elephants in a mini?

open the doors



how can you tell there is an elephant in your fridge?

there is a footprint in the butter



how can you tell there are two elephants in your fridge?

two footprints in the butter



how can you tell there are three elephants in your fridge?

three footprints in the butter



how can you tell there are four elephants in your fridge?

there's a mini out the front



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep censored."



what's the definition of desparate?

two vampires fighting over a used tampon



what's the definition of pain?

falling off a 10 story building onto a bike with no seat



what's the definition of courage?

getting off the bike



Mr bunny is running through the forest, and he sees mr elephant about to snort a line of coke.

"Mr elephant, dont do drugs, come and run through the forest with me"

The elephant, seeing the innocence of the bunny, agrees, and runs with the bunny.

They come across mr giraffe, rolling a joint.

Mr bunny says 'mr giraffe, dont do drugs, come and run through the forest with us'

the giraffe thinks, and agrees, so off the three run

they come across mr lion, who's about to shoot up.

'Mr lion' bunny says, 'dont do drugs, come and run through the forest with us'

The lion lets out a huge roar, and eats the bunny.

the other two animals are shocked. "why did you do that?" they ask.

"damn bunny", mr lion replies. "Always wanting me to run around when he's on speed"



A rabbit and a bear are walking along, and they see a magical squirrel. the squirrel does the old 3 wishes trick, and the bear decides to go first.

"I want all the bears in this forest to be female, and hugely attracted to me"

The rabbit asks for a helmet.

The bear asks the rabbit why he wants a helmet.

"dont worry, you'll see" The rabbit says.

The bear says to the squirrel: "Actually, make all the bears in this country female, and really hot for me"

The rabbit asks for a motorbike.

The bear asks the rabbit why he wants a motorbike.

"dont worry, you'll see" The rabbit says.

The bear thinks for a minute, and wishes that all the bears in the world were female, and all wanted him.

The rabbit puts on the helmet, gets on the motorbike, and says 'make the bear gay' and rides off.



another bear and a different rabbit are walking through the forest, when they both think they need to take a dump. they go off to their separate bushes, do their stuff, then keep walking. the bear says to the rabbit 'do you have a problem with your crap sticking to your fur?'

"no" the rabbit replies.

So the bear promptly picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.



Two muffins are in an oven. one says to the other 'man, its hot in here'

the other one says 'AAAAH!! a talking muffin!!!'



Why did freddy fall off his bike?

cos freddy was a fish



Why did jimmy fall off his bike?

cos someone threw a fridge at him.



what's grey, has a tail and a trunk?

a mouse going on holiday.



what do you call something grey and fluffy?

pink fluff that got stuck in the washing machine



Two rednecks, a father and son, go to the big city for the first time. they walk into a hotel, just in time to see this horribly ugly old woman walk into an elevator. while looking around in awe, they hear the same elevator ding, and this beautiful, long legged young woman walks out. "What is that, dad?" asks the son. "I dont know, son" Says the father, "But quick, go get your mother"


"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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Flame Boy
Flame Boy

veteran
Location: Out
Member Since: 13th Jul 2004
Total posts: 1508
Posted:A man sees a ring of bystanders watching 6 guys beat up Tony Blair, he walks up to one of them and asks "Don't you think we should help him?", the man turns to look at him and says "No, I think 6 will be enough."

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying

Delete

Burning Brain
Burning Brain

eye shifter
Location: between my headphones
Member Since: 9th Oct 2004
Total posts: 321
Posted:ok ive got a joke: go sox

that was horrible but heres a real one:
knock knock


If I could be granted one wish I would ask for all the questions of the universe.

Delete

LazyAngel
LazyAngel

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Cambridge UK
Member Since: 29th Jul 2004
Total posts: 2895
Posted:who's there?

Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi

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...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:an interupting cow ...

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

Delete

...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:moo

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

Delete

...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:moo... moo

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

Delete

...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:moo ... moo , moo ,moo

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

Delete

...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:whats black and white and bounces???


a rubber nun wink

*ponuce and i have humor in commen*


i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

Delete

Burning Brain
Burning Brain

eye shifter
Location: between my headphones
Member Since: 9th Oct 2004
Total posts: 321
Posted:god safe, you ruined it, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING

*runs off crying*


If I could be granted one wish I would ask for all the questions of the universe.

Delete

...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:ubblol ubblol ubblol



hey brain , try loging in a little more often , especially when you leave a joke up in the air!!!



sorry man , had take the oppertunity when it came knocking !!!



"why did the american indians bury thier chief on the hill top ?"



"cause he was dead!"

wink

EDITED_BY: ...{SAFE}... (1099589127)


i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

Delete

Flame Boy
Flame Boy

veteran
Location: Out
Member Since: 13th Jul 2004
Total posts: 1508
Posted:Why do Cows have bells round there necks...
...cos their horns don't work!!! ubblol


AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying

Delete

grasshoppah
grasshoppah

HoP is teh suxor.
Location: Tampa, Florida
Member Since: 4th Nov 2003
Total posts: 425
Posted:moo

Once in a while you get shown the light
in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

Delete

Flame Boy
Flame Boy

veteran
Location: Out
Member Since: 13th Jul 2004
Total posts: 1508
Posted:A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are talking about there sex lives.
The Fenchy was saying "When I make love to my wife, I stroke her so sensually she rises a foot off the bed"
The Italian said "Well, whena I make da love to mya wife, she rises both feet offa da bed"
The Australian, very calmy remarked "Ah, that's nothing, after I've had my way the missus I wipe my ding dong on the curtains and she hits the roof!"


AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying

Delete

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