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DuncGOLD Member
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom


Posted:
Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley

Let's relight this forum ubblove


EveishGOLD Member
*Tickles pretty strangers*
610 posts
Location: Australia


Posted:
I don't think this has been said already,


What is brown and sticky

A stick.

My friends and I always tell that one to each other on all-nighters, we figure that the more we laugh at it the more over-tired we are biggrin

What if I should fall right through the centre of the Earth and come out the other side where people walk upside-down?!


LazyAngelGOLD Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
2,895 posts
Location: Cambridge UK


Posted:
Here's a long one....
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer youpay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
Sent to me by a blonde friend of mine

Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi


Tao StarPooh-Bah
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol


Posted:
bush and blair are in a restuarnt together. The waitress comes over to take their order and bush leans over to her and says 'any chance of a quickie?'. the waitress slaps Bush in the face and walks off leaving him looking very confused. He tuns to Blair, 'what did i say??' Blair leans over to him and whispers 'it's pronounced quiche '

I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.


Flame BoyGOLD Member
veteran
1,508 posts
Location: Out, United Kingdom


Posted:
What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas he can hang his hat on it?

His head!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying


nativeSILVER Member
sleeping with angels
508 posts
Location: anaheim CA usa


Posted:
by the way not cool calling my people red safe. mad

SLEEP WITH ANGELS muckieha


meghannenthusiast
302 posts
Location: good ol@ devon. cullompton to be precise


Posted:
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

ive learned
life is tough... but im tougher


MiGGOLD Member
Self-Flagellation Expert
3,415 posts
Location: Bogged at CG, Australia


Posted:
*pulls out the water calming oil*

native, its a common term. agreed, its wrong, but maybe a polite pm would be the way to go in this situation.

"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie


MiGGOLD Member
Self-Flagellation Expert
3,415 posts
Location: Bogged at CG, Australia


Posted:
What do you call an aircraft-obsessed, Crazy, smart 3 legged donkey with one eye that plays piano in a 50's style?

A Plane-y Zany Brainy Honky Tonky Plinky Plonky Winkey Wonkey!

"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie


poi_playerBRONZE Member
member
121 posts
Location: USA


Posted:
2 muffins are sitting in an oven.
The first muffin says, "Man! It's hot in here!"
The second muffin screams, "HOLY CRAP IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" ubbloco

If you're a pyro and you know it, clap your hands!
clap clap


...{SAFE}..."if i jump in the fire, will you?"
633 posts
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA


Posted:
Written by: native


by the way not cool calling my people red safe. mad




my appologees ... how rude of me ! spank

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !


...{SAFE}..."if i jump in the fire, will you?"
633 posts
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA


Posted:
all better biggrin

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !


Flame BoyGOLD Member
veteran
1,508 posts
Location: Out, United Kingdom


Posted:
This was a strip cartoon I read:

Snoopy is sitting on top of his kennel writing a letter.

Dear IRS,

I am writing to you to cancel my subscription,
please remove my name from your mailing list.

_______________

...if only!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying


Konstilovable smart-ass
785 posts
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria


Posted:
Written by: meghann


This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



ubblol
this is great

"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer


Burning Braineye shifter
321 posts
Location: between my headphones


Posted:
so did the lighhouse move?



we dont take censored from the canadians.they're OUR bitch.









ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol

If I could be granted one wish I would ask for all the questions of the universe.


stickmanWorld Champ Procrastinator
580 posts
Location: ||...lost...||


Posted:
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?



a stick! ubblol ubblol

stickmanWorld Champ Procrastinator
580 posts
Location: ||...lost...||


Posted:
a guy walks into a bar.. ouch! ubblol

sorry that was lame.. ill try again

a guy walks into a pub and sits down right in the middle of the bar.. pointing to his left, he says to the bartender "everyone on that side of the bar is crazy."

then one guy on the left side of the bar, obviously insulted, gets up and says "hey you, im not crazy!"

so the first guy replies "well then youre sitting on the wrong side of the bar!"
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
im so funny......hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

sorry guys, most jokes i know are either really REALLY bad and humorless or dead baby and pedofile jokes.. pick and choose

WonderlushBRONZE Member
Haven't you heard? I come in six-packs now.
134 posts
Location: Los Angeles, California, USA


Posted:
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"?

FIRETRUCK!

If you can talk you can sing / If you can walk you can dance


WonderlushBRONZE Member
Haven't you heard? I come in six-packs now.
134 posts
Location: Los Angeles, California, USA


Posted:
A man comes home to see his girlfriend packing all her stuff..

"Where are you going, baby?"

"I'm leaving you."

"Leaving me? Why are you leaving me?"

"I heard you were a pedophile."

"Pedaphile, huh? That's a pretty big word for an eight-year old."
devil

If you can talk you can sing / If you can walk you can dance


andythepoiaddict
508 posts
Location: manchester, uk


Posted:
Why have elephants got red nuts?



So they can hide in cherry trees





Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?





bloody good camoflage huh?






Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?







Giraffes eating cherries.

It's smashing to be back x


stickmanWorld Champ Procrastinator
580 posts
Location: ||...lost...||


Posted:
Written by: Wonderlush


What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"?

FIRETRUCK!





dont know how many of you understand dutch:

het begint met een V en eindigt op AGINA





VOORPAGINA!! biggrin

WonderlushBRONZE Member
Haven't you heard? I come in six-packs now.
134 posts
Location: Los Angeles, California, USA


Posted:
I don't know dutch, but that's awesome ubblol

If you can talk you can sing / If you can walk you can dance


poi_playerBRONZE Member
member
121 posts
Location: USA


Posted:
Here's one I just remembered today....


3 guys get lost in the jungle. They come upon a tribe of cannibles. The tribe chief says they must complete 2 tasks, if they complete these tasks, the tribe will not eat them. And so he gave them the first task: to go find three pieces of fruit.

So they go off. The first guy comes back with three apples. The chief then informs him of his second task: to stick the apples in his censored without any type of facial expression or any moaning or screaming in pain. The guy holds the apple and grimaces, so the tribe kills him and eats him.

The next guy comes back with three grapes. The chief tells him what he needs to do and in his head he thinks,"Man, this is gonna suck but at least I will live." So he gets the first 2 grapes in, just as he is about to place the third grape into its destination he starts laughing histaricaly, so the tribe kills him and eats him.

Up in heaven, the first guy sees the second guy and says to him, " Why did you laugh? You were so close!" and the second guy, still laughing, says, " The third guy came back with watermelons!" ubblol

If you're a pyro and you know it, clap your hands!
clap clap


stickmanWorld Champ Procrastinator
580 posts
Location: ||...lost...||


Posted:
two strawberries are sitting in the bathtub..

one of them says to the other, "hey, can you pass me the soap?"

the other looks at him, confused, and answers "what do i look like, a refrigerator?"
ubbloco


hahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
think about it.. (but not too hard)

...{SAFE}..."if i jump in the fire, will you?"
633 posts
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA


Posted:
i dont get it ?????????????????

*dont make me feal stuped*

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !


stickmanWorld Champ Procrastinator
580 posts
Location: ||...lost...||


Posted:
hahaha, i was waiting for someone to say that..

this is one of the greatest jokes of all time cuz it has no meaniing.. dont feel stupid safe.. i gave it a lot of thought too when i first heard it.

...{SAFE}..."if i jump in the fire, will you?"
633 posts
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA


Posted:
so what ... ? the strawberry is stupid because it doesnt know what a refrigerator is , or is it the whole .... the refrigerator has nothing to do with the context of the joke ???


answer me damn it !!!!! mad ubblol

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !


flidBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,136 posts
Location: Warwickshire, United Kingdom


Posted:
what do you call a chav in a box?
innit

what do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
safe

...{SAFE}..."if i jump in the fire, will you?"
633 posts
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA


Posted:
Written by: flid


what do you call a chav in a box?
innit

what do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
safe




should i take offence to this joke ???? confused

ubblol

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !


flidBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,136 posts
Location: Warwickshire, United Kingdom


Posted:
wink

stickmanWorld Champ Procrastinator
580 posts
Location: ||...lost...||


Posted:
sorry safe, didnt mean to frustrate you.. the thing is that the fridge has nothing to do with the joke..

ill stop the senseless and moreover humorless jokes biggrin

IM SORRY!!! PLS FORGIVE ME!! tongue

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