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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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crowley2
crowley2

official hop cutie
Location: Uk, Essex, Clacton
Member Since: 22nd Nov 2005
Total posts: 272
Posted:are u an orange

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. ~ Terry pratchett

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Neon_Shaolin
Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Member Since: 13th Jul 2005
Total posts: 6120
Posted:No.

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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crowley2
crowley2

official hop cutie
Location: Uk, Essex, Clacton
Member Since: 22nd Nov 2005
Total posts: 272
Posted:really? ur sure ur not an orange?

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. ~ Terry pratchett

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the_anti_anthony
member
Location: Edinburgh
Member Since: 10th Nov 2006
Total posts: 36
Posted:Neon, my girlfriend's brother told me that one on Saturday, I thought it was fantastic.

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Matty_B
Matty_B

veteran
Location: Blu's Pocket
Member Since: 16th Feb 2005
Total posts: 1314
Posted:sadly stolen from Radio 1 . . .

Where does Kylie get her kebabs from ?
From Jason's Donner-van

An irishman phones the police
Irishman " I've found a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it"
Police " Is it ticking?"
Irishman " Nah, tink its Beef"


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the_anti_anthony
member
Location: Edinburgh
Member Since: 10th Nov 2006
Total posts: 36
Posted:A duck walks into a bar:
Duck: Got any oranges?
Barman: No

The duck walks out.

Next day, the duck walks back into the bar:
Duck: Got any oranges?
Barman: No

The duck walks out.

On the third day, the duck walks back into the bar:
Duck: Got any oranges?
Barman: No.

The duck walks out.

On the fourth day, the duck walks back into the bar:
Barman: Look, if you ask if I've got any oranges, I'll nail you to the floor.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No
Duck: Got any oranges?


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faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:A funny - You couldn't make this stuff up

Subject: FW: ships passing in the night

You've Gotta Love the Irish! This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again. Divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse...................Your call.


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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the_anti_anthony
member
Location: Edinburgh
Member Since: 10th Nov 2006
Total posts: 36
Posted:faith, if you have a look, the same joke has been posted, but with Americans and Canadians... makes me doubt its apparent truth.

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Neon_Shaolin
Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Member Since: 13th Jul 2005
Total posts: 6120
Posted:Yup - 'Your Call' is a bit too much of an American Quiloquialism for it to be British...

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:yeah, i heard it with american and british

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:

IRISH: We are a lighthouse...................Your call.




HEHE thats so funny ubblol ubblol


Minispins Gunna spin you!

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faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:ok so not the point if it's real, it's funny

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:come on guys more jokes!

Minispins Gunna spin you!

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faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:there is a section on a local radio station for holiday horror stories
one was
a man finds the love of his life and they date for two years. before christmas, he proposes and she says yes. they spend christmas with her mother and on the eve they tell her. she gets all upset and doesn't speak to them for most of the next year.
the next christmas, the mother gets a little drunk and lets out a secret
wait for it
her daughter, his fiance, is two months pregnant with her stepbrothers baby


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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Stained_Whisper
Stained_Whisper

Lighting up the darkness, one performance at a time
Location: south africa
Member Since: 13th Dec 2006
Total posts: 161
Posted:why did the baby cross the road?

Caude it was tied to the chicken smile


***********************************************
You are the only problem you will ever have
and you are the only solution

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The Tea Fairy
The Tea Fairy

old hand
Location: Behind you...
Member Since: 2nd Jul 2004
Total posts: 853
Posted:What is yellow and smells like bananas?


Monkey sick!


Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan

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the_mods_stole_my_name
the_mods_stole_my_name

travelling without moving
Location: Maghull, Liverpool
Member Since: 9th May 2006
Total posts: 1286
Posted:*WARNING* MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME*

i just heard on the news that the ghost of steve irwin is roaming the streets of ipswich killing anything that has big flaps and stinks of fish!


Heilige Scheie, Batman kommt!

Reality is just a state of mind which occurs through a lack of lsd

XxX owned by devilsarmy XxX

O.B.E.S.E.

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted: Written by: the_mods_stole_my_name


*WARNING* MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME*

i just heard on the news that the ghost of steve irwin is roaming the streets of ipswich killing anything that has big flaps and stinks of fish!





hahahaha nice one ubblol


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Devakasi
Devakasi

newbie
Location: Kentucky
Member Since: 27th May 2005
Total posts: 17
Posted:HA!

Namaste,
Devakasi (Divinity Shining)

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Stained_Whisper
Stained_Whisper

Lighting up the darkness, one performance at a time
Location: south africa
Member Since: 13th Dec 2006
Total posts: 161
Posted:my other jokes i got mite be to rude to publish, so ill keep my mouth, and just pay attention smile

***********************************************
You are the only problem you will ever have
and you are the only solution

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:or pm me wink

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Stained_Whisper
Stained_Whisper

Lighting up the darkness, one performance at a time
Location: south africa
Member Since: 13th Dec 2006
Total posts: 161
Posted:hmmm ill do so tomorrow! jst dnt judge me, but still funny is still funny! smile

***********************************************
You are the only problem you will ever have
and you are the only solution

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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted:A factory has just been bought up and the new CEO decides to take a walk around and inspect his new work force.

he wanders across the work floor and see's a young man leaning against the safety rail so he climbs the stairs and bellows at this young man "and WHAT exactly do you do here?"

the young man looks puzzled and replys "nothing mate"

this enrages the new CE so he decides to make a example of the young man. He asks "and how much do you earn an hour?" the young man replys 5.60 an hour mate"

the CEO thinks then says "here's 500, get off my premisis and neve come back your fired"

After the yong man has left the CEO asks anoher man "who was that young man?"
the reply he got was "dunno guv, just the local pizza boy"

biggrin


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tarajo
tarajo

Member
Location: Washington State
Member Since: 16th Jun 2006
Total posts: 18
Posted:All of your jokes are do darn cute! ubblol

A duck walks into a drugstore and buys some chapstick.
The man behind the counter asks, "How would you like to pay for that?" And the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

(its the only one I can ever remember)


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" Gandhi

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the_mods_stole_my_name
the_mods_stole_my_name

travelling without moving
Location: Maghull, Liverpool
Member Since: 9th May 2006
Total posts: 1286
Posted:how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

put him in the oven till he's bill withers.


Heilige Scheie, Batman kommt!

Reality is just a state of mind which occurs through a lack of lsd

XxX owned by devilsarmy XxX

O.B.E.S.E.

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_VT_
Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx
Member Since: 15th Jul 2003
Total posts: 1173
Posted:A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. . .
It reads

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real...

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. . .

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. . .

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?". . .

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business"

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!


Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

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Skatto
Skatto

Walking on whims...
Location: Eastbourne, UK
Member Since: 12th Jan 2007
Total posts: 687
Posted: Written by: faithinfire


A funny - You couldn't make this stuff up

Subject: FW: ships passing in the night

You've Gotta Love the Irish! This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again. Divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse...................Your call.



That was brilliant.
biggrin

---

A Brit walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of Irish drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Brit's offer. One Irishman even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the British man on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Brit says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Brit sits in amazement. The Brit gives the Irishman the 500 pounds and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

---

Niamh O'reilly is home making dinner, as usual, when Patrick arrives at her door. "Niamh my dear, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' tae tell yer."

"Well of course ye can come in, you're always welcome, Patrick. But where's me husband?"

"That's what I'm here tae be tellin' yer, Niamh. There was an accident down at the Ale brewery..."

"Oh, Gods no!" cries Niamh. "Please don' tell me..."

"I must, Niamh. Yer husband Roan is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at her husband's friend through tearful eyes. "How did it happen, Patrick?"

"It was terrible, Niamh. He fell into a vat of Ballyraget's Red Ale Brew and drowned."

"Oh Mother Mary no! But yer must tell me true, Patrick. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Niamh... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


Skatto

"Fly like a mouse,
Run like a cushion,
Be the small bookcase."

For goodness sake, don't aggravate the otters!!!

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faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:ah very cute
i like the first one


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

Delete

Firetramp
Firetramp

old hand
Location: Binstead, Isle of Wight
Member Since: 5th Sep 2005
Total posts: 896
Posted:Two blind pilots walk into the plane in full view of the passengers, one with a guiding dog, the other with a cane. Nervous laughter from the passengers hoping this to be some kind of joke.
But as the pilots go into the cockpit and the plane starts moving, they realise it's serious.
The plane starts speeding up, ready to take off but getting nearer to the ocean! The passengers sitting by the window realise they're not going to make it, they start screaming...and the plane goes up just on time. There is a big sigh of relief.

In the cockpit, one pilot says to the other: One of these days, they're gonna start screaming to late and then we'll all be dead.


Ask a question and be a fool for a minute...don't ask and be a fool your whole life.

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