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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:HA HA HA ubblol ubblol Wiped his arse ubblol biggrin LMAO!!

What is the national bird of Iraq?

DUCK!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?" The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!" ubbloco


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TheSilverShadow
BRONZE Member since Aug 2003

TheSilverShadow

Uncle Chop Chop
Location: Time is the Fire in which we b...

Total posts: 213
Posted:What do u call a dear with no eyes?

No idea

what do u call i dear with no eyes or legs??

still know idea


"Do you know what the Phantom is??"
--------------

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:Whad'ya call a Fish with no eyes?

FSH!! (I think it works better when you tell it!)


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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth

Total posts: 5814
Posted:What do invisible cats drink

Evaporated milk


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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pounce
SILVER Member since Jan 2003

pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...

Total posts: 9831
Posted:i told you it was better told aloud!!!

and it's "what do you call a fish without AN eye (I)?"

**giggles**


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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Mand
SILVER Member since Oct 2003

Mand

Keeper of the Spitfire
Location: Calgary Canada

Total posts: 2317
Posted:Quote:
What do u call a dear with no eyes?

No idea

what do u call i dear with no eyes or legs??

still know idea


What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs on a bbq?
Flaming still no idea!
ubblol


Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.

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o0tigger0o


stranger
Location: Las Vegas

Total posts: 9
Posted:EEEH .. im sorry you must form you answer into a question !!

I am the god of hell fire ... And I bring you FIRE!!!!!!!!!

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:

"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.

He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"

"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.

"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again.

"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"

Once again, Jerry was surprised.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"

So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.

As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?

So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"

Jerry was astonished.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"

Jerry thought for a second and agreed.

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."

Jerry laughed.

"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."

"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.

"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."



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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:A Government spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the euro, the phrase 'spending a penny' has now been banned as of 1st January 2004.

From this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating'!!


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TheSilverShadow
BRONZE Member since Aug 2003

TheSilverShadow

Uncle Chop Chop
Location: Time is the Fire in which we b...

Total posts: 213
Posted:What was the first thing Saddam said when they puled hime from his hole??

Did i beat david blaine
wink


"Do you know what the Phantom is??"
--------------

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:Applogies to any ladies from Essex but I couldn't resist this one!

An Essexgirl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essexgirl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the ssexgirl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their
surnames"


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originalsmit
SILVER Member since Aug 2003

originalsmit

addict
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall ...

Total posts: 469
Posted:guy goes to a shoe shop, talking to the assistant he needs some new footwear for his holiday
"but" he says " i have a very unusual problem"
the assistant looks mildly worried then says "ok how can i help"
"well i have,quite literally two left feet"
"really" says the assistant "fantastic, ive been trying to shift these flip flips for ages"

laugh i nearly died


my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter

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GottaLoveIt


GottaLoveIt

Sponge
Location: Stevenage

Total posts: 883
Posted:ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol

Some really poor xmas cracker ones:

Who's the most famous married woman in America?
Mrs Sippi

Why didn't the skeleton go to the halloween dance?
He had no body to go with!!!

Have I ever told you the butter joke??
I'd better not I might spread it

A ha ha ha ha ha haaaa


Monkeys monkeys and bananas

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ShyFysh
BRONZE Member since Apr 2003

ShyFysh

member
Location: Normal, Illinois, USA

Total posts: 19
Posted:OK I have to jump in here. You guys are cracking me up!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says "Hey, did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper?" And the pirate says (in your best pirate voice) "Aye....and it's driving me nuts!" ubblol

Cracks me up every time!


In the Eyes of the Goddess...All are Equal, All are Worthy ~Pa'u Zotah Zhaan

I honor the Divine within ~Rev Bem

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:ubbtickled ubblol biggrin ubbtickled ubblol biggrin Nice one shyfish!!



Two parrots sitting on a Perch, one turns to the other and says....Can you smell fish?" ubblol





One Snowman turns to another ans says "Can you smell Carrots?!" ubblol ubblol


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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:The Gorilla Remover:

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"


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mech
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"

Total posts: 6207
Posted:ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol

i laughed so god dam hard you stopped me eating!

now thta dont happen very often!

right next one!

two women sitting at bingo,

one turns to the other and says "did you come on the bus?"

the other replys "yes but i made it look like an astma attack!"


Step (el-nombrie)

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:LMAO *leans forwards and wipes spit of monitor*


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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands

Total posts: 7263
Posted:ok, this isn't so much of a joke but I just found it in an old email so for those who haven't seen it its very funny!

1) Go to www.Google.com
2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button
4) read what appears to be a normal error message very carefully and chuckle to yourself!


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mech
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"

Total posts: 6207
Posted:none of the kids in teh room got it, cos they were all asking why i was laughing!

Step (el-nombrie)

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Looper
GOLD Member since Feb 2004

Looper

grasshopper in training


Total posts: 124
Posted:eek ubblol ubblol ubblol

Thats one of the wierdest things i have seen for ages!!
beerchug


There is a world made of air, one of earth and one of water.
And there is one made of fire, and all of them fight for supremacy. They are fighting now, in my head.

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_VT_
SILVER Member since Jul 2003

Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx

Total posts: 1173
Posted:There are three doctor's in the the s.t.i.c.u."shock trauma intensive care unit". the first doctor say's"Man, this kid came in 2 week's ago and had his leg cut off! We stitched him back up and in a month he is going to play for the local football team!" The second doctor say's"Dude, I got you beat! This guy came in a week and a half ago with his arm cut off. We stitched him up and a week from know he is going to be pitching for the local base ball team!" The third doctor say's"Forget both of ya'll! There was this dumb ass riding his horse on some railroad tracks and got hit by a train. All the paramedics found was a horses ass and a cowboy hat. We stitched him back together and made him president!

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

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p.h.o.b.o.s


p.h.o.b.o.s

member
Location: Canada

Total posts: 11
Posted:ok guys, worst joke ever!
Theres a man walking down the street with his dog. This dog has no nose. He walks by another man who stops him and says to him, "did you know your dog has no nose?" "Yes, I do know" "..but how does he smell?" "Absolutely terrible!" ubblolubblolubblolubblolubblolubblolubblolubblol


Je suis le dieu de les pamplemousses! adorez moi!

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p.h.o.b.o.s


p.h.o.b.o.s

member
Location: Canada

Total posts: 11
Posted:Two cannibals eating a clown: One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"


Theres an old woman who wants to buy a talking pet bird. so she goes to this pet shop, and the clerk says to her "We only have one talking bird, but Im going to warn you, it swears alot and has a bad temper." The old woman says "I'll wash its mouth out with soap if I have to. I'll take the bird." She buys the bird and takes it home. Everything is fine until she has an old friend over, the bird swears and swears and swears all night long at everything. Throroughly disgusted, the woman washes its mouth out wtih soap..but it happens again, and again, and again. Finally, one day, she becomes fed up and throws the bird in the freezer over night and leaves him there. In the morning, she goes and lets the bird out of the deep freeze. "Have you learned your lesson?" She asked it. "Y-y-yes!" the bird said, "I jsut want to know, what did the turkey do?!?!?!!"
*ba dum bum ching!*


Je suis le dieu de les pamplemousses! adorez moi!

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_VT_
SILVER Member since Jul 2003

Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx

Total posts: 1173
Posted:This guy was driveing his car in the country side and run's out of gas. So he get's out of his car and walk's until he comes upon a farm house. As he aproaches the farm house he notices this chicken is running around the yard and screwing all of the other animals. First it was the cow,and then the ducks,and then the horses,and the etc.,etc.He gets to the door where the farmer was standing and ask's him if he could use his phone and the farmer say's yes,but before he goes in he ask's the farmer "what's the deal with the chicken?" . The farmer replies "that is the horniest chicken i ever saw! All he does is run around my farm a screw my animals."The man,disgruntled by this statemant walk's in side to call a towtruck. About 5 minutes pass and the man walk's back out side and the chicken is laying in the middle of the yard looking deader than a door nail. the man lean's over and say's to the farmer"What happened to the chicken?" then the farmer looked at the man,pointed to the sky and said"shhh!Buzzards"

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

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[({PoiToi})]


member


Total posts: 99
Posted:what do you call a slug on a ship??


a snailor!!!


2 cows are standin on a hill.
One says "MooooooooOOOOOOOOO"
the other one turns to him and says "funny, i was just about to say that"
ubbrollsmile

what's black and fluffy?
pink fluff in a coal mine.

why did the pink fluff cross the road?

the chicken farted.



---Formerly known as RaverRomantic---

AIM: RaverRomantic

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_VT_
SILVER Member since Jul 2003

Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx

Total posts: 1173
Posted:Did you hear the one about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac?


He stayed up all night wondering if there realy was a dog!


Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

Delete

_VT_
SILVER Member since Jul 2003

Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx

Total posts: 1173
Posted:what do you get when you cros Raggedy ann with the Pillsburry Dough Boy?

A red headed @!#%* with yeast infection!


Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

Delete

Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:hehehe...

Why was the sand wet?

Cause the sea weed


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_Aime_
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings

Total posts: 4172
Posted:A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A dyslexic rabbi walks around saying 'Yo'

ubblol this is the greatestbthread ever


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