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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley


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wan hwo ren
wan hwo ren

member
Location: I'm not sure
Member Since: 27th Mar 2002
Total posts: 86
Posted:How do you make a cat go woof?

Soak it in gasoline and throw a match at it eek

How do you make a dog go meow?

Shoot it, freeze it, and then put it through a table saw biggrin

They need the sound effects to actually be funny

I guess I should make clear that I'm an animal lover, they're only jokes, I'm not promoting cruelty beerchug


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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and says "Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great sh*ag,
but you're a real sport too!"


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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:^ i dnt get it confused hehe, explain....no wait don't explain...you'll just confuse me more. ill just assume that she was going bunjee jump ubblol
EDITED_BY: x_aimee_x (1077030882)


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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:3 travellers are walking through the forest when they are stopped by a group of cannibles. they said 'go away and find 10 peices of fruit, bring them back here and we will spare your lives' ok the travllers thought and headed off in seperate directions.
One traveler arrives back first, he has 10 apples, and the cannibles say 'put all of them in your arse without making anynoise and we will let you go. shocked the traveler picks up the first apple and manages fine, but on the second he groans and the cannibles kill and eat him.
The second traveler returns with 10 grapes. The cannibles say again put them in your arsehole and we will let you go. The guy did great and was on his 7th grape but upon pciking up the 8th he started laughing, so the cannibles killed and ate him.
When the first guy met the second he said 'you were doing great, but why did you laugh?' smiling the second man replies 'i saw james comming with 10 watermelons'

bit long winded, but i thought it was funny ubblol


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Silvur
Silvur

sumthin sumin smmnm....
Location: home sweet home
Member Since: 4th Sep 2003
Total posts: 372
Posted:Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Impatient Cow.

ImpatiMOOOOOOOOO!

ubblol ubblol ubblol

beerchug


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Red_RaveN
Neo - Hippie
Location: Sala, Slovakia
Member Since: 8th Jun 2003
Total posts: 358
Posted:Erm.. Allright then : o)



try this...



Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.

Love, Mom

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.



Edit:



Q: Who's Bigger -- Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's son?



A: His son, he's a little Bigger.

EDITED_BY: White RaveN (1077100796)


Smile.. It confuses people..:)

Wonders never cease as long as you never cease to wonder.

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a gang of building workers.
It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. (but don't worry I won't get carried away and offensive if no one replies within in 3 minutes! ubblol)

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.

One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the strong hairy builders (but all with hearts of
gold) more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewson deliver the f*ucking bricks."


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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:A New Terrorist Organisation


At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.


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FireSpirit
FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe
Member Since: 29th Mar 2001
Total posts: 743
Posted:I''ve been over looking this thread for a while and I have to put my joke in;

What time does the China-men go to the dentist?

2:30...

Tooth-herty ubblol

Thats my little joke for today ubbangel


FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Top Oxymorons

1. Sanitary landfill
2. Alone together
3. Small crowd
4. Butt Head
5. Software documentation
6. New classic
7. Sweet sorrow
8. "Now, then ..."
9. Synthetic natural gas
10. Passive aggression
11. Taped live
12. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
14. Extinct Life
15. Temporary tax increase
16. Computer jock
17. Computer security
18. Twelve-ounce pound cake
19. Exact estimate



Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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FireSpirit
FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe
Member Since: 29th Mar 2001
Total posts: 743
Posted:You forgot

Military Inteligents!! ubblol


FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Proverbs

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage
makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.




Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:And there's

"The three soldiers were killed by 'Friendly Fire' today"


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FireSpirit
FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe
Member Since: 29th Mar 2001
Total posts: 743
Posted:My name is Christian, but it dosen't make me a Christian. ubblol

FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

ubblol


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FireSpirit
FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe
Member Since: 29th Mar 2001
Total posts: 743
Posted:Sorry for the dirtyness now, but my roomate said this to me a few days ago and it has made me giggle ever since... "You know girls didn't get those beautiful round lips from eating square meals did ya?" kiss

FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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peaches**86943
peaches**86943

thats sooooo not where i parked my car...................
Location: mareeba
Member Since: 23rd Aug 2003
Total posts: 198
Posted:not meaning to offend but im allowed to say it im half kiwi

an aussie and a kiwi went wild pig hunting. everytime they got near a pig the kiwi would step on a twig and scare it away. 10 minutes later the kiwi says to the aussie "i need to go to the toilet"
and the aussie replies "just go behind the tree"
while hes gone the aussies caught this pig and gutted it and he thinks to himself 'i wanna scare the [censored] outta the kiwi'
so he places the pigs guts behind the kiwi and goes back to the truck.
about 10 minutes later the kiwi comes back walking really funny and had a strange look to his face
the aussie says "what happenned to you"
and the kiwi says
"while i was taking a dump me guts feel out so i had to get a stick to shove em back up there"

sick i know but it made me laugh


we cant stop here its bat country!!!!!!!!!!!

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mrFlibble
Ghostbuster
Location: York, UK
Member Since: 1st Mar 2003
Total posts: 455
Posted:Why did the giraffe get lost in the jungle?




coz jungle is massive ubblol ubblol


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pounce
pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...
Member Since: 10th Jan 2003
Total posts: 9831
Posted:teehee, i just remembered this joke.....it cracks me up



This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box.....



**giggles** (this the best part)



"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:ubblol ubblol shoes on .... ubblol ubblol

Why did the Scarecrow get an award?.....Cuz he was outstanding in his field!! ubblol ubbloco


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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:It's not difficult. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be :


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :


1. Sh*g him
2. Leave him in peace


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Trillian
Trillian

Llamas are larger than frogs.
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Member Since: 28th Feb 2004
Total posts: 319
Posted:What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? American!

Two bears were sitting in the bath. One bear says, "Pass me the soap" The other one says, "that's not the soap, that's the radio!"

This one is courtesy of Monty Python...
How are American beer and making love in a canoe the same?
They're both f**king close to water!
ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol


"I know a good deal more than a boiled carrot."
"Fire!" "Where?" "Nowhere, I was just illustrating the misuse of free speech."

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Fire Bunny
Fire Bunny

veteran
Location: Now in the land of Oz
Member Since: 27th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1260
Posted:whats the best way for a guy to piss off his girl friend durning sex...




Call her!


What if we think the jokes on them,
But really - the jokes on us....

and also... i wuv Rougie *snuz*

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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:what do you call an elephant in a telephone box.

stuck!


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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:ok these are sad but they made me laugh, which is prolly a bad thing! biggrin



how'd you put a townie in a box - put him 'innit'

why did the townie cross the road? - to punch someone in the face for no reason



ubbloco

EDITED_BY: x_aimee_x (1079628373)


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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:not very gay jokes Aimz!

What is a townies favourite fruit? The Burberry!!! ubblol



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Kidda
member
Location: Birmingham
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2003
Total posts: 60
Posted:Two men are walking through a forest in Transylvania. Suddenly a vampire appears and bares its teeth at the men. They are very scared and start saying their last goodbyes to each other. Suddenly, a beautiful girl walks into the forest, carrying a large bag. She puts it down and takes out some small pieces of cheese on cocktail sticks and throws them at the vampire. She then starts to throw some small cucumber sandwiches at the vampire. Lastly she throws some cocktail weenies at the vampire, who shrieks and falls down in a pile of dust. The girl walks away. The first man says, "Who was that?" The second man replies, "That was Buffet the Vampire Slayer."


well it made me chuckle biggrin


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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:me to biggrin

Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:There's a bus full of ugly people involved in a really nasty crash one night, everyone dies including the rather ugly driver.
At the Pearly Gates they all line up to meet St Peter. He smiles down to the first person and says...
"Welcome to Heaven, you have one wish what would you like it to be?"
"I'd like to be beautiful" says the first person
"then you shall" replies St Peter.
So through the gates the first guy goes and immediately he's beautiful.

The second person comes to the gates and again St Peter greets them
"Welcome to heaven, you have one wish what would you like it to be?"
"I'd like to be beautiful" says the second person
"then you shall" replies St Peter.

St Peter then notices that one guy at the back of the queue laughing, and each time another ugly person goes through the gates he laughs even more. And so it goes on, 15, 20 people and the guy is still laughing.

Eventually it's the turn of the guy at the back, but he's laughing so hard he can barely stand up! Not to be put out St Peter greets him

"Welcome to heaven, you have one wish what would you like it to be?"


the laughing guy replies...."Make them all ugly again!!!"



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Kit
veteran
Location: middle of Troon
Member Since: 22nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 1269
Posted:ubblol

paddy and mick were throwing stones at the ground...
paddy missed


* Kit tries again
how about... paddy was chasing this leprecaun and when he caught it at last it said
'to be sure i'll give you three wishes',

so paddy thought about it and wished
'I'd like a neverending pint of guiness...'
so sure enough in front of him appears a pint of guinness
paddy drinks it down declares it the best he's ever tasted and before his eyes the empty glass refills magically!
'ah to be sure tis grand... i'll wish for two more o' them.... '


random murbles

BELTANE FIRE FESTIVAL. 30th april ~ Calton hill - Edinburgh
SAMHUINN FESTIVAL. 31st October ~ Royal Mile - Edinburgh

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