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DuncGOLD Member
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom


Posted:
Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley

Let's relight this forum ubblove


pounceSILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA


Posted:
Quote:

What do you call a fly with no wings??

A WALK!!! HA AHA HA and not a mention of fluff....d'oh! I've said it now! rolleyes




so good!!!

still laughing.....

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**


originalsmitSILVER Member
addict
469 posts
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall wales denmark or pra...


Posted:
two fish in a tank one says to the other how d'you drive this thing





ok one for the sickos out there
whats black and white and red all over?



ready?


a nun on a meat hook

my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter


dj_retromember
87 posts
Location: Oklahoma, USA


Posted:
!!!!WARNING!!!

the jokes contained in this post may be offincive to some...wait make that everyeone





What is the differance between a truck load of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babies?




You can't use a pitch fork to unload the bowling balls....

what is the only problem using the pitch fork for the babies?



*holds a imaginary pitch fork and shakes about* finding a live one!




what do you call a baby in the middle of the ocean
























F*CKED!

<( ' ' )>
Fear the Kirby


MandSILVER Member
Keeper of the Spitfire
2,317 posts
Location: Calgary Canada


Posted:
ubblol

What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming lengths in a pool?
Clever dick. ubblol

What do you call a woman who balances 10 pints of beer on her head whilst playing snooker?
Beertricks Potter! ubblol

Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.


ValuraSILVER Member
Mumma Hen
6,391 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?
Warren

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs driving a car?
clever dick

waht do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug

what dso you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas

what do you call a man in a bush?
Russel

ubblol ubblol ubblol

TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"


GnorBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia


Posted:
I loved those as a kid and i still like them now....

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


Red_RaveNGOLD Member
Neo - Hippie
358 posts
Location: Sala, Slovakia


Posted:
What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?


Silicon Valley.

Smile.. It confuses people..:)

Wonders never cease as long as you never cease to wonder.


DuncGOLD Member
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom


Posted:
oh no it's... the baby jokes!!! Trying to resist....but....can't....

What's small red and can't go round corners?
A baby with a javelin in it's head!!

What's small red and goes round and round?
A baby in a microwave!

What goes plop arrgh?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt

What goes plop arrgh plop arrgh?
2 peeled babies in 2 buckets of salt

Sorry.....all those junior school joke memories just came flooding back and I had to share!!

*note:*must remember to punish self later today*


Let's relight this forum ubblove


The_Pirate_Dyke_BoyHOP Lord of the Pirate Admiralty
1,079 posts
Location: Canterbury, UK


Posted:
im infantile and purile with a penchant for projectiles, so i can say baby jokes til the cows come home!

whats the difference between a pile of babies and a pile of bowling balls?
you cant move the pile of bowling balls with a pitch fork!

how do you stop a baby crawling in circles?
nail the other hand to the floor!

whats worse then finding 5 babies in a bin?
finding one baby in 5 bins!

whats worse then finding a pile of dead babies?
a pile of dead babies with one at the bottom eating its way to freedom!

wanna hear something funny?
a baby with no arms!

wanna hear something funnier?
a baby with no arms and no legs!

wanna hear something even funnier?
a baby with no arms and no legs on a swing!

if vegetable oil is made from vegetables
and olive oil is made from olives

whats baby oil made from?


biggrin i love being me

D.B.
X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program


originalsmitSILVER Member
addict
469 posts
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall wales denmark or pra...


Posted:
yes yes we have all been on the dead baby website, funny for 5 mins then makes you feel really ill
.
sorry i started it really

my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter


pounceSILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA


Posted:
ya i have to say the dead baby jokes don't amuse me whatsoever.

maybe it's just me.

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**


GnorBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia


Posted:
Nope Pounce..its me too... hug

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


borismcnorrisprofessional pedant
137 posts
Location: Bristol


Posted:
two parrots on a perch. one says "can you smell fish"

A warrior always returns to the fray. He never does so out of stubbornness, but because he has noticed a change in the weather - Paulo Coelho


ValuraSILVER Member
Mumma Hen
6,391 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
i dont like baby jokes either........ frown

TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"


dj_retromember
87 posts
Location: Oklahoma, USA


Posted:
like i said some of you may not like them...so ill post another one that is less offencive.


man i cant think of one

<( ' ' )>
Fear the Kirby


StebbinsBRONZE Member
10th degree spoon weilder
171 posts
Location: Halifax, Canada (currently in Korea)


Posted:
Man I'm not a very uptight person and i will laugh at pretty much anything but the baby jokes are one of the few areas where i draw the line... just seems to me like the kind of jokes an eleven year old would find amusing...

Anyway here's mine. (and to think i was afraid to post it before reading the baby jokes)

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
A: Christopher Walkin

-Beeaaatch please, I'm the macaroni with the cheese.
-This message will self destruct in 10 seconds.


DuncGOLD Member
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom


Posted:
oooh.....the baby jokes touch a nerve but poor Chris Reeves gets slated.....now who's the 11y/o joke teller!! rolleyes

Anyways.....back to the fun....one I heard last night

What's pink and smells of paint?

Pink Paint!!!

Let's relight this forum ubblove


originalsmitSILVER Member
addict
469 posts
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall wales denmark or pra...


Posted:
aha silly jokes again
hmmm
why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 789,
another one so old it hath hairs on

what did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
sometimes you take me for grunted.

what did the big chimney say to the lttle chimney?
your to small to smoke

my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter


pounceSILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA


Posted:
ubblol

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**


originalsmitSILVER Member
addict
469 posts
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall wales denmark or pra...


Posted:
slowly but surely we are building the webs biggest database of terrible old jokes.

my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter


pounceSILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA


Posted:
woo-hoo!! i so gotta bookmark this as a favorite thread!

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**


originalsmitSILVER Member
addict
469 posts
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall wales denmark or pra...


Posted:
yes i might as well, all praise to custom bug for starting it
i dont get this one, its just not funny.
how many elephants can you fit in a mini?
4, 2 in the front seats and 2 in the back seats.
ive never got it
ive known it for years.
surely no elephants can fit in a mini, im 6'2" and i barely fit in a mini, and 6'2" is nowhere near as big as an elephant

my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter


pounceSILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA


Posted:
haha!!!

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**


originalsmitSILVER Member
addict
469 posts
Location: nottingham, england. cornwall wales denmark or pra...


Posted:
christ im so bored
its 7:30 and im still at work, at powergen someone say something funny, or provide me with some sort of mental stimulation, something PLEASE GOD SOMETHING.



ithinkimgonnacry

my original signature was tooo long.
this one is shorter


pounceSILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA


Posted:
go to the chat room. a bunch of us are chilling in there!

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**


MandSILVER Member
Keeper of the Spitfire
2,317 posts
Location: Calgary Canada


Posted:
Just remembered another of my jokes from work-

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his bum! ubblol

Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.


pounceSILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA


Posted:
ewwwwww.....

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**


MandSILVER Member
Keeper of the Spitfire
2,317 posts
Location: Calgary Canada


Posted:
ubblol ubblol ubblol

2 cows in a field.
One turns to the other and says "so what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other replies "oh, it doesn't bother me, I'm a helicopter".

ubblol

Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.


headspintotalmember
80 posts
Location: Crawley


Posted:
listen, listen everyone ive got a christmas one

Quote my 4 year old daughter ' what do snowmans have for breakfast?'


Snowflakes.

I have been told that 20 times today and I have to laugh poor me

Something more adult?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

-------------------------------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
-------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give me an example of something that you've forgotten?
--------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
--------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know it until the next morning?
--------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
--------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?


MandSILVER Member
Keeper of the Spitfire
2,317 posts
Location: Calgary Canada


Posted:
Oh, I love it when all my little kids tell me jokes!
They always seem to stare at the ground, dig holes with their toes, forget the joke half way through, and have three attemps at the punchline!
I always end up laughing at them and not the joke! ubblol

Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.


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