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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Today I heard a new joke and just have to share it with the world....

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath....one says to the other (in Monkey speak) "hoo hoo hah hah hee hah hoo hoo hah hee hee hah"
and the other says
"Well put some cold water in then!"

Laugh?!.....I nearly wet my pants!!

ubbloco biggrin ubbtickled ubbrollsmile ubblol



weavesmiley


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Penguin Sven
Penguin Sven

member
Location: Australia,Vic
Member Since: 12th Jun 2004
Total posts: 185
Posted:what has 54 balls and screws old women?

Bingo


"glow bugs, to slow to resist eating, to bitter to eat more than one handfull in a sitting" toothpaste for dinner

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meghann
enthusiast
Location: good ol@ devon. cullompton to ...
Member Since: 24th Jul 2004
Total posts: 302
Posted:1. why did the girl fall off the swing...

2. what do u call a man with a seagull on his head...

3. what do you call a man with a car on his head...

4. what do u call a man with a spade on his head...

5. what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the english channel...

6. what do u call a man with no arms and no legs swimming across the english channel...

7.what do you call a polar bear in the desert...

8. what do you call a camel in the arctic ...

9.what do you call an angry dinosaur...

10 what do you call a deaf angry dinosaur...

1.she had no arms!
2.clif
3.jack
4.dug
5.bob
6.clever dick
7.lost
8.cold
9.sir
10.anything he cant hear you!

and finaly 2 beans in a frying pan . one turns to the other and says 'damn it its getting hot in here,' the other replies 'wow a talking bean!'

these are so much better when spoken!


ive learned
life is tough... but im tougher

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JauntyJames
JauntyJames

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hampshire College, MA, USA
Member Since: 22nd Dec 2004
Total posts: 3533
Posted:what do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

art

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of a door?

mat

excl OFFENSIVE TO CHRISTIANS DONT HURT ME ITS FUNNY
what's teh difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?
you only need one nail to hang up a picture


-James

"How do you know if you're happy or sad without a mask? Or angry? Or ready for dessert?"

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Flame Boy
Flame Boy

veteran
Location: Out
Member Since: 13th Jul 2004
Total posts: 1508
Posted:excl OFFENSIVE TO CHRISTIANS DONT HURT ME ITS FUNNY

[this must be said to someone face-to-face]

"Whats this?"

[at this point you hold your palm to your mouth]

"Jesus biting his nails"


AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying

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meghann
enthusiast
Location: good ol@ devon. cullompton to ...
Member Since: 24th Jul 2004
Total posts: 302
Posted:hey those are a bit offencive mate, esp the nails one..

ive learned
life is tough... but im tougher

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Supafly
TNT
Location: Charlotte, NC
Member Since: 27th Apr 2001
Total posts: 173
Posted:Well, since we are posting offensive jokes...I apologize in advance for this one.

An old man and woman were sitting beside each other at a nursing home and struck up a conversation. One thing led to another and they started holding hands. Days went by and the old man asked if he could hold the lady's hand and eventually got around to asking for a kiss. One day in the rec room he asked if she would hold "it" for him. She immediately blushed but thought to herself that since their relationship was evolving that doing that would be okay. Several days went by and each time after kissing, the old man again would ask if she would unzip his pants and hold "it" for him.

A few days later she became worried when she didn't see her new boyfriend in the rec room. She searched the retirement home and eventually came upon the old man with a new woman. They were walking out of the woman's living room and he had a big grin on his face. This infuriated her and she ran up to him and shouted, "Why would you do this to me? You tell me what SHE has that I don't have!"

The old man looked up and without missing a beat replied, "Parkinson's"


Fear the evil monkey!

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_VT_
Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx
Member Since: 15th Jul 2003
Total posts: 1173
Posted:A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding
bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said,
"He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said," This
bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's
more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying," This bull
mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's
once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same cow every time."

(The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable. He should
be able to eat soft foods in a week, and is expected to make a full recovery.)


Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

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_VT_
Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx
Member Since: 15th Jul 2003
Total posts: 1173
Posted:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by

Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long

as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to

figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would

be put to death.



The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex

even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an

impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the

monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.



He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the

priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but

no one could give him a satisfactory answer.



Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only sh e would have

the answer.



But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom

for the exorbitant prices she charged.



The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the

witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her

price first.



The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of

the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!



Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one

tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.



He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible

burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.



He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the

preservation of the Round Table.



Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur 's question

thus:



What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own

life.



Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great

truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.



And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and

Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.



The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific

experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most

beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened



The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared

as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half

the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.



Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?



Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show

off t o his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old

witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by

night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?



What would YOU do?



What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down

below. OKAY?































Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.



Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time

because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.





Now....what is the moral to this story?









Scroll down



































The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly!

EDITED_BY: Violently Tame (1122431829)


Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

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_VT_
Your Face!
Location: el paso, tx
Member Since: 15th Jul 2003
Total posts: 1173
Posted:Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little [censored]. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh [censored], we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro blurts, "Dick Cheney 2006!"


Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!
-Albert Einstein-

Peanut butter... It fills the cracks of the soul! -Paul Blart-

Delete

faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:ubblolnothing else to say but ubblol

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:some of these jokes are so funny!
keep them up!
Heres one

There was a blonde and she was driving and she cut an 18-wheeler off...


So the driver gets out, climbs down, and he shouts at her, "Get out of the car now."

So she does and he draws a circle around her and says, "Don't step out of the circle....he took out his knife and he started to slash all her tires... he turned around and she was laughin...this made him even more angry so he slashed all of her leather seats.. he turned around and she was still laughing... he was filled with rage so he got gasoline and torches her car. Then he turned around and she was still laughin... he looks at her and says "Why are you laughing!?!"

She replied, "Because when you werent looking....I stepped out the circle, I stepped out of the circle."


Minispins Gunna spin you!

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crowley2
crowley2

official hop cutie
Location: Uk, Essex, Clacton
Member Since: 22nd Nov 2005
Total posts: 272
Posted:whats green and turns red at the touch of a button
Frog in a blender

whats pink and turns red at the touch of a button
baby in a blender

whats cute fluffy and looks at u every few seconds
kitten in a microwave

sry if some are offensive these were actually told to me by a bunch od 11 year old's i was teaching kayaking to


The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. ~ Terry pratchett

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted: Written by: crowley2


whats green and turns red at the touch of a button
Frog in a blender

whats pink and turns red at the touch of a button
baby in a blender

whats cute fluffy and looks at u every few seconds
kitten in a microwave

sry if some are offensive these were actually told to me by a bunch od 11 year old's i was teaching kayaking to



ubblol dude dont get people started on offencive jokes ubblol the last joke thread was deleted due to mass dead baby joke postage ( by me) thats one reason i've not posted jokes since............i don't know any jokes that aren't offencive in some way ubbangel


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octarine_fire
newbie
Location: Brighton
Member Since: 2nd Dec 2006
Total posts: 1
Posted:wave hello! I'm new here so for my 1st post I thought I'd try really hard to come up with something witty but...


what's red and invisible?

no tomatoes!


redface oh the shame


but why has all the rum gone?

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted:ubblol the funny thing is...................thats exactly how the "lame jokes thread" ended biggrin

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faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:Three friends die in a auto accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, " I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say.... Look, He's Moving!" ...................

Bill and Hillary are at the Red Sox -Yankees Game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates, but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it Bill shrugs his shoulders and! says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting, hollering, and high-fiving . Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
"Sir," the agent replies, "I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

The IRS A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Minister. "A Woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.'
But, when she asked her best f riend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
The man protested: "But reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're going to get screwed."

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton .
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look up and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT - Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Lady, Leave me alone, I'm married!!!".

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in! the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.
Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out, forgetting about charging them for the drinks.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...... She said "The [censored] used coins"

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No Way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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Theo_
Theo_

Dirty Hippie
Location: Norwich Norfolk
Member Since: 12th Oct 2005
Total posts: 347
Posted:why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?

coz the jungle is massive!


for every minute angry, you loose 60 seconds of happiness

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Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:hehe i like the jokes faithinfire

Minispins Gunna spin you!

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faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:got them from a guy named john on myspace...he always has great posts

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

Delete

Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:lol cool

Minispins Gunna spin you!

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poig
poig

marmite and nutella sandwich
Location: Farnborough, Hampshire
Member Since: 19th Jun 2006
Total posts: 1590
Posted: Written by: Theo_


why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?

coz the jungle is massive!




That was bad... eek


THE hop Pyro.
(with parents)
Unowned

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faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:first pitch was good



here is one more, since we are so political



Voting Time



While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in."

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. He has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers.

"Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I

would be better off in Hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened"?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted."

EDITED_BY: faithinfire (1165178140)


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!



This day was the first day of school.There was three boys and one girl and they were all late for class. The first boy comes in without his shirt and the teacher asks, " Where were you?"

The boy replies, "On top of Cherry Hill."

So the teacher sends him to his seat. The second boy comes in without any pants and the teacher asks, "Where were YOU?"

And the second boy replies, " On top of Cherry Hill," and then she sends him to his seat.

Then the third boy comes in practically naked. She asks him the same thing and the boy says the same thing. Then the girl comes in and the teacher asks, "OK let me guess....... you were on top of Cherry Hill?!"

The girl looks confused and she replies, "No..... I AM Cherry Hill."



hehe


Minispins Gunna spin you!

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poig
poig

marmite and nutella sandwich
Location: Farnborough, Hampshire
Member Since: 19th Jun 2006
Total posts: 1590
Posted:ubblol Liked that last one ubblol

THE hop Pyro.
(with parents)
Unowned

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Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:what no more jokes?

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


Minispins Gunna spin you!

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Minispin
member
Location: Where am i? I'm Lost!!
Member Since: 25th Nov 2006
Total posts: 110
Posted:also...
5 KINDS OF SEX

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom


Minispins Gunna spin you!

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the_anti_anthony
member
Location: Edinburgh
Member Since: 10th Nov 2006
Total posts: 36
Posted:There are 10 types of people. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:someone used to have that as their sig. dont remember who who confused

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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crowley2
crowley2

official hop cutie
Location: Uk, Essex, Clacton
Member Since: 22nd Nov 2005
Total posts: 272
Posted:so there are 01000000 types of people hehe

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. ~ Terry pratchett

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Neon_Shaolin
Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Member Since: 13th Jul 2005
Total posts: 6120
Posted:Somebody as me if I'm an Orange...

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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