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Forums > Social Chat > The importance of goodbyes.

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Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:It's funny how an entire interaction can be shaped by how it ends.

A while back my girlfriend and I broke up. But it happened in a typically clinical way: "It's not going to work out in the future" "We're different people" etc... All true facts, but a fairly clinical breakup. I guess it had been weighing heavily on both of us for the past couple of months. We started speaking recently and realized that there had been many things left unsaid. Many good things.

So after much deliberation and hesitation, we got together for one last goodbye. We spent the day together, we snuggled, we talked, we complimented, we laughed. We had one last 'moment'... and then we said our goodbyes. A little bit tearful but not as tearful as it would have been. Not as tearful as it had been months earlier.

I think that having one last decided chance to be in each other's energy... one measured time to appreciate and remember our relationship... without any of the future pressure of the relationship itself... was really beautiful.

A bunch of years ago I was a summer camp counselor and, of course, all of my kids would get really sad on the last day of camp. I would try to ease the tears by reminding them that 'camp' was an experience, like all others, with a beginning, middle, and an end. In order to have a first day of camp, you also needed to have a last day of camp. And that it was less sad if you thought of the end as just one aspect of the whole experience.

It was a sad day today. But, our relationship as a whole was really beautiful. I think the fact that we got to have a true chance to properly say 'goodbye' preserves the warmth, honesty, and love that was the relationship.

I view my life as a series of wonderful exeriences. And I think that saying a proper goodbye really allowed me to treasure this particular experience.

Any of you guys ever have a particular heart-felt goodbye?

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]


Location: london,uk
Member Since: 14th Sep 2003
Total posts: 313
Posted:thanks for the wise words NYC...they made me cry...i am a bit emotional cos i lost my best friend ,he gone,left the planet and left me here,alone!T'was a bit sudden,so no chance to say goodbye and that hurts.......so goodbyes,especially loving ones,are important..

old hand
Location: In a test pit, Mackay
Member Since: 29th May 2003
Total posts: 1107
Posted:Everything needs closure. Otherwise you're left with so many "what ifs..?" That was a good thing to do.

There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.


remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere...
Member Since: 27th Feb 2003
Total posts: 2790
Posted:You reminded me of when I said goodbye to my nanny. She's had a stroke, was in hospital, and no-one except myself and my sister visited her I arrived late in the day but spent the whole evening with her, just holding her hand and talking with her when she was conscious enough. She had been getting better but I knew before I left that this was our final goodbye, which was correct as she passed away the next morning.

I am very grateful for that farewell: really felt the bond between grandmother and granddaughter, which has since encouraged and inspired me through the bad times.

"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.



100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Member Since: 11th Jan 2002
Total posts: 2996
Posted:I know exactly what you mean, and exactly what I have missed in the ending of some of my relationships. I am so glad you had this experience.

It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...


Lambretta Fanatic

Member Since: 20th Dec 2001
Total posts: 4991
Posted:my stoey is similar to spanners.

at least i got to tell my grandma i love her before she passed away.
i cleared away all the bad things we had between us and made peace.

clearing bad things and ending on a good note is the best way to end all things, i feel if you don't then you remember all the bad things and it bothers you in the future.


"To be an angel, one need not have wings.
In giving love there is an equal grace.
Nor need one seek the aura in the face,
As love unveils the beauty of all things."

*Francois Couperin.

Mr Hands
Location: Cardiffy, Londony places
Member Since: 28th Aug 2003
Total posts: 64
Posted:I never got the opportunity to say goodbye to my last girlfriends, not in a 'she died' sort of way but she kind f just dissappeared with someone else in front of me... One of those spectacular magic tricks that leave you stunned and wanting an explanation and to know how it was done, I've looked on the net, but I think it's largly improvised... So yeah...

I guess closure is a good thing, I mena it would probalby have been unhealthy if the relationship had gone on and she was feeling uncommited or something, but then I'd prefer a peacful, end of a story, closing the book in deep thought kind of closing than a slamming the book on my fingers at the exciting part kind of closure...

Sorry to be the only cynic in the room, I don't have any happy stories to to tell... I guess we'll have to wait for the next one.

Jeez, that was a long time ago as well now I think about it...


Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:I thought my first post was getting long so I didn't want to include, as I'd posted before, my time at my favorite Aunt's bedside before she passed away. I got to thank her and say goodbye. She was always there for me in a selfless way. It was certainly nice to have a moment with her too.

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:I never really got to say good-bye to my father in life. By the time I got to his bedside, he was unconscious. And every time I tried to utter the words "good-bye" I started to cry. I hate crying. Especially in front of others.

But when his spirit visited me the afternoon that he died, I got to say it. And the tears flowed like a river. And it felt good.

-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura


Froggie ... Ribbit !!!
Location: Back in Paris... for now !
Member Since: 8th Jun 2001
Total posts: 4224
Posted:yes I know so very well what you mean.
a year and a half ago me and my boyfriend broke up with so much emotion yet respect and love.

Up till now and for a long time to come I am sure he remains in my heart and soul I love him very deeply beyond words...

Shine on

PS: i see you are online ... you know my phone number ... I would love to chat if you have some time ?

"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"

Location: The Phire Kru
Member Since: 19th Aug 2002
Total posts: 786
Posted:some goodbyes can be a soul destroyer..........

whats up with all the limitations?

Location: St. Paul, MN USA
Member Since: 20th Dec 2001
Total posts: 174
Posted:NYC, I'm so glad that you posted this. It's ironic that when something that weighs so heavily on my heart is bothering me, I can come here and find help. I need advice and maybe you can help. About a year ago, my bf was moving back from a co-op 2000 miles away. In visits and over the phone, we talked about getting married. Long story short, he moved back and broke up with me the day before I transferred schools (all within 5 days). We really had no chance for goodbyes, it was so sudden. Anyway, I'm in a new fledgling relationship now but I still think of me ex all of the time. I know it would never work but why can't I get him off of my mind? Is it because I never got to say good bye? I've only seen him twice in passing while visiting friends and it is always extremely uncomfortable. Lately, I think about calling him for some sort of goodbye but it's already been a year since. I guess I should have thought of this a long time ago. He just broke it off with little to no explanation and left me to repair a broken heart alone, in a new surrounding.

Sorry for the long-winded post. It just seemed fitting for something that has taken up such much of my heart lately. Thanks for indulging me once again.


Without further guilding the lily and with no more ado, I bid you farewell and sweet dreams...

Location: Oklahoma City, OK, USA
Member Since: 25th Aug 2002
Total posts: 103
Posted:I dated Chris during my senior year of high school starting in October. He was my first love and we had a great relationship. When I graduated high school I knew I would be leaving for college 500 miles away in August, and he decided to go into the Air Force. Because we would be so far apart, we planned to end the relationship about a week before I moved. Our last night together we spent hours up in his room. We made love, talked a lot while laying in each other's arms, and cried a lot. I cried even harder as I was driving home.

I think us having that last night together helped to preserve our love. I have never gotten over him, and he has never gotten over me. Over the past 4 years, we have been "together" on and off multiple times while living hundreds of miles apart. We did the long-distance thing for a while successfully, and I would see him once every 3 months. It seems like we just keep coming back to each other because we can't find anyone or anything else that measures up to what we had.

Now that I have finished college and he has gotten out of the Air Force, you would think we would be living near each other and trying a relationship again. But the last time things ended between us, it was because of how we disagree about certain issues. It seems like we're both scared to try again too, fearing another heartbreak like the first time. We talk over the phone occasionally, and I feel like there were things left unsaid when we hang up. I still talk with his mom, who is such a wonderful person and I love her almost as a 2nd mom.

I have had other relationships between then and now, one of which was a good one, the other was a disaster. I have dated a number of guys also, a few of whom were actually worth dating. It feels sometimes though as if I'm just going through the motions. I don't really feel anything for the guy, but I'm doing everything I'm "supposed" to do in dating, like kiss and cuddle. I just don't know where to go from here.

Captain Hazzard
Captain Hazzard

Ninja (shhhh, don't tell)
Location: Truro, UK
Member Since: 3rd Jan 2003
Total posts: 420
Posted:These stories are so beautiful, and sad at the same time. i'm lucky so far. i've found my love, and we've got no intentions of saying goodbye. we've been together for 4 and a half years

I only wanted to be 16... and free


Location: Stevenage
Member Since: 21st Sep 2003
Total posts: 883
Posted:I like reading these posts, it makes me happy and I look forward to what my future holds. Thanks

Monkeys monkeys and bananas


Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 9th Apr 2003
Total posts: 3044
Posted:thought i might just post some song lyrics that always had an impact on me.

Last Goodbye [Jeff Buckley]

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then i'll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn't know him at all
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over

"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK
Member Since: 19th Dec 2001
Total posts: 3009
Posted:There are some lovely stories on this thread, so I wanted to keep it active.

Ending any relationship properly takes a lot of maturity, respect, understanding and a whole lot of other things. And as the stories above show it's really important to reach personal closure in any relationship. Actually closure isn't the right word. "Harmony upon parting" maybe?

My thinking is that whenever we leave somebody, be it for a day or a lifetime, we should part in harmony, having at least the seeds of peace in our hearts. And also because we never know if that parting will be forever more. My mother's final parting with her father was when she was in a sulk with him. A few hours later he an suffered a heart attack at the wheel of his car.

Personally, I really don't like goodbyes, which is one of the reasons I rarely properly say hello.

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