Forums > Social Discussion > My Residency Personal Statement
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HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Ok, warning: Big, long post ahead.
So I have begun working on my personal statement for the residency application process. The personal statement is basically my chance to say why I want to go into my chosen field and why I'll make a good resident.
Why am I posting it here? Because I want your help. I want constructive criticism on this statement. How can I get it to be the best statement it can be?
So a few things you need to know:
1) My target audience is residency directors (who are all doctors...pediatricians in this case). The average demographic is: White, male, 40's-50's, married with kids. He'll be reading my application in his "off" time (at home, on a plane, etc.). He's trying to pick out residents who are going to be good, solid, and hard-working. He doesn't want noisy, unpredictable people or people who are going to jump up and fight against every little injustice. He will be reading about 1,000 applications for an eventual program of 5-30 residents. So I need to jump out and get him with my first paragraph, but I also don't want to do anything too "wierd" like write a poem or somethiing.
2) I have decided (for now) to disclose my ADHD diagnosis. Because my resume contains so much about the work and presenting I've done for ADDA and CH.A.D.D., I don't think there's much of a way out of this without leaving all of it out. That would make my entire application look pretty bland.
3) While I welcome comments like "great job!" I really want constructive criticism. Pick and tear this apart. Be a nitpicker. Correct my grammar and my style. Call me a dull bore. I don't have to take every bit of advice I get here, but I want to collect advice.
And so here it is:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've known I wanted to be a doctor since I was a child. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, and I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis at age 16. It was at these times that I saw the awesome power of medical science first hand. My doctors changed my life with the stroke of a pen on a prescription pad. When I experienced that, I wanted to learn their art.
In particular, ADHD had the most profound impact on my life. As a child, it seemed that my teachers didn’t believe in me. But parents and my doctors did believe in me. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8. Thanks to that early diagnosis and treatment, I was able to graduate from high school at the top of my class, earn two degrees from Stanford, and go to medical school. As I have advanced along my path, the negative impact of the disorder has lessened to the point where I have used no special accommodations of any sort in medical school. This is a very good sign that I have chosen the right career. My diagnosis, no longer a weakness, has become a gift; it is my calling to medicine.
In my teen years, as I began to "turn around," to find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to me that I should do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to the community of patients with ADHD. I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, which are national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. One of my professional goals is to be invited to give the keynote address at the annual CH.A.D.D. convention by age 45.
In college, I took a keen interest in the workings of the brain. I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until Prof. Robert Sapolsky's introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite. A Bachelor's degree wasn't enough, and I considered a Ph.D., but it seemed too time-consuming. I eventually settled on a Master’s in Biology before continuing on to medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology, and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. But as an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, having unsafe sex, and suffering the consequences. I joined DanceSafe, a harm reduction organization that sets up tables at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices that they make without trying to make their decisions for them. I’ve already tried to help, but we need more people in adolescent medicine to help teens deal with the challenges of adolescence in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to do both psychiatry and neurology while being able to practice in primary care. I enjoy both research and teaching, and adolescent medicine offers opportunities for both. Adolescents need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I want to do it.
I love children of all ages. I'm fascinated by the array of problems and medical conditions that children face. I have something to give back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need the most help, to serve the underserved. I want to be a pediatrician!
Ok, warning: Big, long post ahead.
So I have begun working on my personal statement for the residency application process. The personal statement is basically my chance to say why I want to go into my chosen field and why I'll make a good resident.
Why am I posting it here? Because I want your help. I want constructive criticism on this statement. How can I get it to be the best statement it can be?
So a few things you need to know:
1) My target audience is residency directors (who are all doctors...pediatricians in this case). The average demographic is: White, male, 40's-50's, married with kids. He'll be reading my application in his "off" time (at home, on a plane, etc.). He's trying to pick out residents who are going to be good, solid, and hard-working. He doesn't want noisy, unpredictable people or people who are going to jump up and fight against every little injustice. He will be reading about 1,000 applications for an eventual program of 5-30 residents. So I need to jump out and get him with my first paragraph, but I also don't want to do anything too "wierd" like write a poem or somethiing.
2) I have decided (for now) to disclose my ADHD diagnosis. Because my resume contains so much about the work and presenting I've done for ADDA and CH.A.D.D., I don't think there's much of a way out of this without leaving all of it out. That would make my entire application look pretty bland.
3) While I welcome comments like "great job!" I really want constructive criticism. Pick and tear this apart. Be a nitpicker. Correct my grammar and my style. Call me a dull bore. I don't have to take every bit of advice I get here, but I want to collect advice.
And so here it is:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've known I wanted to be a doctor since I was a child. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, and I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis at age 16. It was at these times that I saw the awesome power of medical science first hand. My doctors changed my life with the stroke of a pen on a prescription pad. When I experienced that, I wanted to learn their art.
In particular, ADHD had the most profound impact on my life. As a child, it seemed that my teachers didn’t believe in me. But parents and my doctors did believe in me. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8. Thanks to that early diagnosis and treatment, I was able to graduate from high school at the top of my class, earn two degrees from Stanford, and go to medical school. As I have advanced along my path, the negative impact of the disorder has lessened to the point where I have used no special accommodations of any sort in medical school. This is a very good sign that I have chosen the right career. My diagnosis, no longer a weakness, has become a gift; it is my calling to medicine.
In my teen years, as I began to "turn around," to find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to me that I should do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to the community of patients with ADHD. I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, which are national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. One of my professional goals is to be invited to give the keynote address at the annual CH.A.D.D. convention by age 45.
In college, I took a keen interest in the workings of the brain. I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until Prof. Robert Sapolsky's introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite. A Bachelor's degree wasn't enough, and I considered a Ph.D., but it seemed too time-consuming. I eventually settled on a Master’s in Biology before continuing on to medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology, and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. But as an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, having unsafe sex, and suffering the consequences. I joined DanceSafe, a harm reduction organization that sets up tables at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices that they make without trying to make their decisions for them. I’ve already tried to help, but we need more people in adolescent medicine to help teens deal with the challenges of adolescence in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to do both psychiatry and neurology while being able to practice in primary care. I enjoy both research and teaching, and adolescent medicine offers opportunities for both. Adolescents need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I want to do it.
I love children of all ages. I'm fascinated by the array of problems and medical conditions that children face. I have something to give back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need the most help, to serve the underserved. I want to be a pediatrician!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
Sponge
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
Posted:
considered a phd but it seemed too time consuming - may be taken more personally than it sounds though i have no suggestions to make it sound better!
I love children of all ages
ARGH! *runs*
No, I'm sure no doctor would think like that, but I've been reading some not so nice stuff about some not so nice minds...
If i need any advice on writings i'll be sure to pm them to you
considered a phd but it seemed too time consuming - may be taken more personally than it sounds though i have no suggestions to make it sound better!
I love children of all ages
ARGH! *runs*
No, I'm sure no doctor would think like that, but I've been reading some not so nice stuff about some not so nice minds...
If i need any advice on writings i'll be sure to pm them to you
Monkeys monkeys and bananas
SILVER Member
not with cactus
2,052 posts
Location: bristol/ southern eastern devon, United Kingdom
not with cactus
2,052 posts
Location: bristol/ southern eastern devon, United Kingdom
Posted:
i like the final sentance the best
i like the final sentance the best
Me train running low on soul coal
They push+pull tactics are driving me loco
They shouldn't do that no no no
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
How about "I love working with children of all ages?" then?
How about "I love working with children of all ages?" then?
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Posted:
Nicely done...
The only thing I find that grates on me sentence-wise is the third sentence of your second paragraph. "But parents and my doctors..." Which parents - yours, those of your friends, all parents? Since the my is associated with doctors, it leaves the parents kinda ambiguous. I'd suggested putting my parents and doctors (if you mean it that way).
The last sentence of second to last paragraph needs a comma before "and I want to do it". Otherwise, it's considered a run-on sentence.
From the last paragraph..."I have something to give back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life."
I know this is at the end of your statement, but maybe say what that something is or "I would like to give something back to the profession..."
Nicely done...
The only thing I find that grates on me sentence-wise is the third sentence of your second paragraph. "But parents and my doctors..." Which parents - yours, those of your friends, all parents? Since the my is associated with doctors, it leaves the parents kinda ambiguous. I'd suggested putting my parents and doctors (if you mean it that way).
The last sentence of second to last paragraph needs a comma before "and I want to do it". Otherwise, it's considered a run-on sentence.
From the last paragraph..."I have something to give back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life."
I know this is at the end of your statement, but maybe say what that something is or "I would like to give something back to the profession..."
Sponge
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
883 posts
Location: Stevenage
Posted:
Yup that works babes though it probably is just down to me reading horrible messy head poo!!!
Yup that works babes though it probably is just down to me reading horrible messy head poo!!!
Monkeys monkeys and bananas
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
Hey there,
I'm a sub-editor in a newspaper, and I've got half an hour before heading home... I thought I'd take a read through this...
I know most of these corrections are going to seem really banal and insignificant... but that's my job most days (actually, small changes can make a sentence read much easier).
Hope it's ok...
Good luck
xo
I've wanted to be a doctor since I was a child. I was diagnosed with ADHD aged 8, and with ankylosing spondylitis aged 16. It was at these times I saw first-hand the awesome power of medical science. My doctors changed my life with a stroke of their pen on a prescription pad. After experiencing that, I wanted to learn their art.
ADHD had the most profound impact on my life. When I was younger, it seemed my teachers didn’t have faith in my abilities – but my parents and doctors did. Thanks to their support, and the early diagnosis and treatment, I graduated from high school at the top of my class, earned two degrees from Stanford and was able to go to medical school.
As I have advanced along my path, the negative impact of this disorder has lessened to the extent where I have no need of special accommodations of any sort in medical school. This has been a very clear sign to me that I have chosen the right career. My diagnosis is no longer a weakness, it has become a gift and is my calling to medicine.
During my teen years I knew I wanted to give something back to the community of healthcare professionals who had given me so much support and also to the community of patients with ADHD, from whom I learned so much.
With this in mind, I joined CHADD and ADDA, national advocacy organisations for children and adults with ADHD. I was proud to give presentations at their national conferences and have been published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college and higher education. A professional goal of mine is to be invited to give the keynote address at an annual CHADD convention by the time I reach 45!
In college, I developed a keen interest in the workings of the brain. I knew I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioural disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until Prof. Robert Sapolsky's introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class.
I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology voraciously. A Bachelor's degree wasn't enough and I considered a PhD, but I was impatient to get further. I eventually settled on a Master’s in Biology before continuing on to medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practising unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organisation who put together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I know first-hand we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to practice psychiatry and neurology while also delivering primary care. I enjoy both research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I'm fascinated by the array of problems and medical conditions that children of all ages face. I have something to give back to the profession that helped me so much during my own development. I want to help the kids who need it most and to serve those often forgotten. I know my calling is to be a pediatrician.
Hope this helps
Hey there,
I'm a sub-editor in a newspaper, and I've got half an hour before heading home... I thought I'd take a read through this...
I know most of these corrections are going to seem really banal and insignificant... but that's my job most days
(actually, small changes can make a sentence read much easier).Hope it's ok...
Good luck
xo
I've wanted to be a doctor since I was a child. I was diagnosed with ADHD aged 8, and with ankylosing spondylitis aged 16. It was at these times I saw first-hand the awesome power of medical science. My doctors changed my life with a stroke of their pen on a prescription pad. After experiencing that, I wanted to learn their art.
ADHD had the most profound impact on my life. When I was younger, it seemed my teachers didn’t have faith in my abilities – but my parents and doctors did. Thanks to their support, and the early diagnosis and treatment, I graduated from high school at the top of my class, earned two degrees from Stanford and was able to go to medical school.
As I have advanced along my path, the negative impact of this disorder has lessened to the extent where I have no need of special accommodations of any sort in medical school. This has been a very clear sign to me that I have chosen the right career. My diagnosis is no longer a weakness, it has become a gift and is my calling to medicine.
During my teen years I knew I wanted to give something back to the community of healthcare professionals who had given me so much support and also to the community of patients with ADHD, from whom I learned so much.
With this in mind, I joined CHADD and ADDA, national advocacy organisations for children and adults with ADHD. I was proud to give presentations at their national conferences and have been published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college and higher education. A professional goal of mine is to be invited to give the keynote address at an annual CHADD convention by the time I reach 45!
In college, I developed a keen interest in the workings of the brain. I knew I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioural disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until Prof. Robert Sapolsky's introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class.
I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology voraciously. A Bachelor's degree wasn't enough and I considered a PhD, but I was impatient to get further. I eventually settled on a Master’s in Biology before continuing on to medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practising unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organisation who put together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I know first-hand we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to practice psychiatry and neurology while also delivering primary care. I enjoy both research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I'm fascinated by the array of problems and medical conditions that children of all ages face. I have something to give back to the profession that helped me so much during my own development. I want to help the kids who need it most and to serve those often forgotten. I know my calling is to be a pediatrician.
Hope this helps
Getting to the other side 
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I like that. Thanks!
Written by: spritieOops! Good catch!
The only thing I find that grates on me sentence-wise is the third sentence of your second paragraph. "But parents and my doctors..."
The last sentence of second to last paragraph needs a comma before "and I want to do it". Otherwise, it's considered a run-on sentence.
Written by:
From the last paragraph..."I have something to give back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life."
I know this is at the end of your statement, but maybe say what that something is or "I would like to give something back to the profession..."
I like that. Thanks!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
GOLD Member
Fool
2,020 posts
Location: Cornwall, UK
Fool
2,020 posts
Location: Cornwall, UK
Posted:
Looks excellent to me (Dr) Mike. Moving, informative and not too long, despite your disclaimer at the start.
So, is paediatrician spelt wrong in the US then?
Looks excellent to me (Dr) Mike. Moving, informative and not too long, despite your disclaimer at the start.
So, is paediatrician spelt wrong in the US then?
"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."
Bill Hicks, February 1988
DIAMOND Member
The Ministry of Manipulation
2,523 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom
The Ministry of Manipulation
2,523 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom
Posted:
I've like-totally tweaked it slightly for you
I think it will give like totally a better impression like this.
Glad to e of any help, like
Smiles
Drew <----- avoiding doing work 
======================================================
I've known I wanted to like, be a doctor since I was like totally a child. I was like totally diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, and I was like totally diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis at age 16. It was like totally at these times that I saw the awesome power of medical science first hand. My doctors changed my life with the stroke of a pen on a prescription pad. When I experienced that, I wanted to like, learn their art.
As I have advanced along my path, the negative impact of the disorder has lessened to like, the point where I have used no special accommodations of any sort in medical school. This is like totally a totally good sign that I have chosen the right career. My diagnosis, no longer a weakness, has become a gift; it is like totally my calling to like, medicine.
In my teen years, as I began to like, "turn around," to like, find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to like, me that I should do everything I could do to like, give back both to like, the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to like, the community of patients with ADHD. I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, which are like national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. One of my professional goals is like totally to like, be invited to like, give the keynote address at the annual CH.A.D.D. convention by age 45.
[now draw on the support of the smurfy mafia]
Between smurfy interests in genetics, smurfy, and smurfy public health, I considered pediatric smurfy and smurfy. But as an undergraduate in San Francisco, I smurfed teenagers out all night at raves smurfing drugs, having unsafe sex, and suffering the consequences. I joined DanceSafe, a harm reduction organization that sets up tables at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices that they smurf without smurfing to smurf their decisions for them. I’ve smurfy smurfed to help, but we need more Smurfs in adolescent medicine to help Smurfs deal with the challenges of adolescence in the 21st smurfy.
Adolescent medicine is like totally the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to like, do both psychiatry and neurology while being able to like, practice in primary care. I enjoy both research and teaching, and adolescent medicine offers opportunities for both. Adolescents need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I want to like, do it.
I love to eat children of all ages. I'm fascinated by the array of problems and medical conditions that children face. I have something to like, give back to like, the profession that has helped me sooo much in my own life. I want to like, help the kids who need the most help, to like, serve the underserved. I want to like, be a pediatrician. Oh my God!
EDITED_BY: Glåss (1089212005)
I've like-totally tweaked it slightly for you
I think it will give like totally a better impression like this.
Glad to e of any help, like
Smiles
Drew <----- avoiding doing work
======================================================
I've known I wanted to like, be a doctor since I was like totally a child. I was like totally diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, and I was like totally diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis at age 16. It was like totally at these times that I saw the awesome power of medical science first hand. My doctors changed my life with the stroke of a pen on a prescription pad. When I experienced that, I wanted to like, learn their art.
As I have advanced along my path, the negative impact of the disorder has lessened to like, the point where I have used no special accommodations of any sort in medical school. This is like totally a totally good sign that I have chosen the right career. My diagnosis, no longer a weakness, has become a gift; it is like totally my calling to like, medicine.
In my teen years, as I began to like, "turn around," to like, find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to like, me that I should do everything I could do to like, give back both to like, the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to like, the community of patients with ADHD. I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, which are like national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. One of my professional goals is like totally to like, be invited to like, give the keynote address at the annual CH.A.D.D. convention by age 45.
[now draw on the support of the smurfy mafia]
Between smurfy interests in genetics, smurfy, and smurfy public health, I considered pediatric smurfy and smurfy. But as an undergraduate in San Francisco, I smurfed teenagers out all night at raves smurfing drugs, having unsafe sex, and suffering the consequences. I joined DanceSafe, a harm reduction organization that sets up tables at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices that they smurf without smurfing to smurf their decisions for them. I’ve smurfy smurfed to help, but we need more Smurfs in adolescent medicine to help Smurfs deal with the challenges of adolescence in the 21st smurfy.
Adolescent medicine is like totally the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to like, do both psychiatry and neurology while being able to like, practice in primary care. I enjoy both research and teaching, and adolescent medicine offers opportunities for both. Adolescents need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I want to like, do it.
I love to eat children of all ages. I'm fascinated by the array of problems and medical conditions that children face. I have something to like, give back to like, the profession that has helped me sooo much in my own life. I want to like, help the kids who need the most help, to like, serve the underserved. I want to like, be a pediatrician. Oh my God!
EDITED_BY: Glåss (1089212005)
Pooh-Bah
2,364 posts
Location: austin,tx
2,364 posts
Location: austin,tx
Posted:
smurfy, i thought i was the only person up who talked smurfy anymore...
lightning i would say, keep working on your revisions and then let us proof read them again, there's a lot of subtle things in the first draft (like dangling modifiers and such), but firepoise fixed a lot of them. just in case your next draft brings up any more. My main adfvice so far would be that most anal writers avoid starting sentences with "as" (and "but" for that matter, they both greatly restrict your chances of being grammatical when heading up a sentence))
(wait, why would you want to listen to me? i don't even capitalise)(but really i'm smarter than i look)
smurfy, i thought i was the only person up who talked smurfy anymore...
lightning i would say, keep working on your revisions and then let us proof read them again, there's a lot of subtle things in the first draft (like dangling modifiers and such), but firepoise fixed a lot of them. just in case your next draft brings up any more. My main adfvice so far would be that most anal writers avoid starting sentences with "as" (and "but" for that matter, they both greatly restrict your chances of being grammatical when heading up a sentence))
(wait, why would you want to listen to me? i don't even capitalise)(but really i'm smarter than i look)
-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Remember, it's a pediatrician reading this, not an English teacher. I can use perfect grammar if I so choose, but I wanted this to have a slightly more personal and less formal feel.
I don't go out of my way to boldly split infinitives, improperly, use punctuation, or find new and interesting prepositions to end sentences with. But if my grammar isn't perfect, and it feels more natural, then that's fine.
Remember, it's a pediatrician reading this, not an English teacher. I can use perfect grammar if I so choose, but I wanted this to have a slightly more personal and less formal feel.
I don't go out of my way to boldly split infinitives, improperly, use punctuation, or find new and interesting prepositions to end sentences with. But if my grammar isn't perfect, and it feels more natural, then that's fine.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,276 posts
Location: Oxfordshire/Wiltshire, United Kingdom
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,276 posts
Location: Oxfordshire/Wiltshire, United Kingdom
Posted:
with a stroke of thier pen on a persciption pad - i dont like that sentance (sorry) x
with a stroke of thier pen on a persciption pad - i dont like that sentance (sorry) x
tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.
GOLD Member
Fool
2,020 posts
Location: Cornwall, UK
Fool
2,020 posts
Location: Cornwall, UK
Posted:
That wasn't a critiscism of yer grammar Mike, i was genuinely wondering.
Honestly, we spend thousands of years moulding and adapting our language until it's well nigh perfect, and you splitters in the US have to go and tinker with it.
That wasn't a critiscism of yer grammar Mike, i was genuinely wondering.
Honestly, we spend thousands of years moulding and adapting our language until it's well nigh perfect, and you splitters in the US have to go and tinker with it.
"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."
Bill Hicks, February 1988
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
Lol
Lol
Getting to the other side
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Sorry, Mags. But the language was such a mess after you limies got done with it that we just have to fix it.
I'll work on a revised version, soon. Thanks for comments, everyone!
Sorry, Mags. But the language was such a mess after you limies got done with it that we just have to fix it.
I'll work on a revised version, soon. Thanks for comments, everyone!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
Yo homie,
I'm TOTALLY shooting from the hip on this one and know NOTHING about anything so take it with a grain of salt. But you knew that.
I don't like your first paragraph.
I think there's a difference between saying you have ADHD and DEFINING YOURSELF as the guy with ADHD. I think your first paragraph needs to be stronger. I would take out the details of your diagnosis and put them in a later paragraph.
Are you really a doctor because of your ADHD experiences?
And as a first time reader, that first paragraph and the second paragraph seemed to project that you've got a chip on your shoulder. Which I don't think you want to portray.
Maybe you want to be thankful for the doctors that diagnosed you (in some way) or be less specific on the details of your diagnosis (in the first paragraph) and more specific about how it inspired you to want to become a doctor?
I think the "rags to riches" story of the kid with ADHD who was 'saved', has become sucessful and now wants to help others makes a better first paragraph.
[Upon another reread]
Yeah... I think you're overemphasising your disablity. You've obviously overcome it. I think you need to focus on the amazing things you've done since AS WELL as showing him more of the amazing and compassionate soul you have. I don't think your motivation (which I know you have) shows through as much. I know I get tired just reading some of your posts and I don't think you've given him the 'workaholic idealistic perfectionist' side of you that we all love.
Again... just me... knowing nothing.
Yo homie,
I'm TOTALLY shooting from the hip on this one and know NOTHING about anything so take it with a grain of salt. But you knew that.
I don't like your first paragraph.
I think there's a difference between saying you have ADHD and DEFINING YOURSELF as the guy with ADHD. I think your first paragraph needs to be stronger. I would take out the details of your diagnosis and put them in a later paragraph.
Are you really a doctor because of your ADHD experiences?
And as a first time reader, that first paragraph and the second paragraph seemed to project that you've got a chip on your shoulder. Which I don't think you want to portray.
Maybe you want to be thankful for the doctors that diagnosed you (in some way) or be less specific on the details of your diagnosis (in the first paragraph) and more specific about how it inspired you to want to become a doctor?
I think the "rags to riches" story of the kid with ADHD who was 'saved', has become sucessful and now wants to help others makes a better first paragraph.
[Upon another reread]
Yeah... I think you're overemphasising your disablity. You've obviously overcome it. I think you need to focus on the amazing things you've done since AS WELL as showing him more of the amazing and compassionate soul you have. I don't think your motivation (which I know you have) shows through as much. I know I get tired just reading some of your posts and I don't think you've given him the 'workaholic idealistic perfectionist' side of you that we all love.
Again... just me... knowing nothing.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Ok, I'm bumping this because my ER rotation is over and I need to get cracking on this.
Ok, I'm bumping this because my ER rotation is over and I need to get cracking on this.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
All right, Mark 2. I've tried to incorporate many of the suggestions that you guys made. I also blithely ignored some of them. This thread is a "no-offense" zone. That means that I don't take offense at what anyone tells me about my statement here and you don't take offense if I don't agree with (or blithely ignore) your comments. Whether I accept your comments or not has nothing to do with the fact that I genuinely appreciate the time that everyone has taken to help me.
In addition to reiterating my previous request for brutal honesty and constructive criticism, I have a few specific issues:
1) It needs to be about 5 lines shorter.
2) There are a few sentences (in blue) that I don't like and want to change.
3) Of course, general criticisms, or criticisms directed at specific parts that I haven't highlighted, are welcome (and I need them!)
Oh, and note the change in the first sentence. My mother pointed out that it would be more accurate.
__________________________________________
I never wanted to be a doctor when I was a child. I was fascinated by it, but it seemed like such a bother! My doctor seemed to enjoy his work, but I kept hearing about how hard doctors worked and how much school they had to go through...and I hated school. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8. That was when I truly began to understand just how much a physician can improve a patient’s life.
At first, my parents despaired, but they took me to a psychiatrist who treated me. As time went on, the treatment helped me change my behavior. By the time I was in high school, I had mastered the art of self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Indeed, thanks to that treatment, I was able to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class, earn both a Bachelor and Master of Science degree from Stanford, and go to medical school. The treatment did more than simply relieving my symptoms; it allowed me to believe in myself enough to take on these challenges. Furthermore, as time has gone, I have relied on fewer special accommodations to the point where I used none at all in medical school.
In my teen years, as I began to find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to me that I should do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to the community of patients with ADHD who needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. When I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak, I set a new goal: I want to be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by age 45...and I want to be a physician working with children and adolescents with ADHD.(should that be in the past tense?)
When I went to college, I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more knowledge. I decided that Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and then started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I know first-hand we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care. I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face children. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need the most help, to serve the underserved. (help me with grammar there?) I want to be a pediatrician!
All right, Mark 2. I've tried to incorporate many of the suggestions that you guys made. I also blithely ignored some of them. This thread is a "no-offense" zone. That means that I don't take offense at what anyone tells me about my statement here and you don't take offense if I don't agree with (or blithely ignore) your comments. Whether I accept your comments or not has nothing to do with the fact that I genuinely appreciate the time that everyone has taken to help me.
In addition to reiterating my previous request for brutal honesty and constructive criticism, I have a few specific issues:
1) It needs to be about 5 lines shorter.
2) There are a few sentences (in blue) that I don't like and want to change.
3) Of course, general criticisms, or criticisms directed at specific parts that I haven't highlighted, are welcome (and I need them!)
Oh, and note the change in the first sentence. My mother pointed out that it would be more accurate.
__________________________________________
I never wanted to be a doctor when I was a child. I was fascinated by it, but it seemed like such a bother! My doctor seemed to enjoy his work, but I kept hearing about how hard doctors worked and how much school they had to go through...and I hated school. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8. That was when I truly began to understand just how much a physician can improve a patient’s life.
At first, my parents despaired, but they took me to a psychiatrist who treated me. As time went on, the treatment helped me change my behavior. By the time I was in high school, I had mastered the art of self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Indeed, thanks to that treatment, I was able to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class, earn both a Bachelor and Master of Science degree from Stanford, and go to medical school. The treatment did more than simply relieving my symptoms; it allowed me to believe in myself enough to take on these challenges. Furthermore, as time has gone, I have relied on fewer special accommodations to the point where I used none at all in medical school.
In my teen years, as I began to find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to me that I should do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to the community of patients with ADHD who needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. When I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak, I set a new goal: I want to be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by age 45...and I want to be a physician working with children and adolescents with ADHD.(should that be in the past tense?)
When I went to college, I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more knowledge. I decided that Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and then started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I know first-hand we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care. I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face children. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need the most help, to serve the underserved. (help me with grammar there?) I want to be a pediatrician!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
veteran
1,359 posts
Location: London/ Surrey
1,359 posts
Location: London/ Surrey
Posted:
How about 'I started to believe in myself enough to take on these challenges.'
Um, 'To be be invited......and to be a physician'?
Or just change the previous sentence to something like 'I set this new goal'
um, couldn't think of a different word for underserved... 'I want to be able to help the kids who need it most and to serve those often underserved'
My best shot, anyway...
Written by: There is no 'e' in 'Lightning'
it allowed me to believe in myself enough to take on these challenges.
How about 'I started to believe in myself enough to take on these challenges.'
Written by: There is no 'e' in 'Lightning'
I set a new goal: I want to be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by age 45...and I want to be a physician working with children and adolescents with ADHD.(should that be in the past tense?)
Um, 'To be be invited......and to be a physician'?
Or just change the previous sentence to something like 'I set this new goal'
Written by: There is no 'e' in 'Lightning'
I want to help the kids who need the most help, to serve the underserved. (help me with grammar there?) I want to be a pediatrician!
um, couldn't think of a different word for underserved... 'I want to be able to help the kids who need it most and to serve those often underserved'
My best shot, anyway...
The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.
Always make time to play in the snow.
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
How's this then?
-----------------------------------------
I never wanted to be a doctor when I was a child. I was fascinated by it, but it seemed like such a bother! My doctor seemed to enjoy his work, but I kept hearing about how hard doctors worked and how much school they had to go through...and I hated school. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8. That was when I truly began to understand just how much a physician can improve a patient’s life.
At first, my parents despaired, but they took me to a psychiatrist who treated me. As time went on, the treatment helped me change my behavior. By the time I was in high school, I had mastered the art of self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Indeed, thanks to that treatment, I was able to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class, earn both a Bachelor and Master of Science degree from Stanford, and go to medical school. The treatment did more than simply relieving my symptoms; I started to believe in myself enough to take on these challenges. Furthermore, as time has gone, I have relied on fewer special accommodations to the point where I used none at all in medical school.
In my teen years, as I began to find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to me that I should do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to the community of patients with ADHD who needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. When I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak, I set this goal: I want to be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by age 45...and I want to be a physician working with children and adolescents with ADHD.
When I went to college, I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more knowledge. I decided that Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and then started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I know first-hand we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care. I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to do research in both psychiatry and neurology while being able to practice in primary care. I enjoy research and teaching, and adolescent medicine offers many opportunities for both. Adolescents need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them, and I want to do it.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face children. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need it most and to serve the underserved. I want to be a pediatrician!
How's this then?
-----------------------------------------
I never wanted to be a doctor when I was a child. I was fascinated by it, but it seemed like such a bother! My doctor seemed to enjoy his work, but I kept hearing about how hard doctors worked and how much school they had to go through...and I hated school. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8. That was when I truly began to understand just how much a physician can improve a patient’s life.
At first, my parents despaired, but they took me to a psychiatrist who treated me. As time went on, the treatment helped me change my behavior. By the time I was in high school, I had mastered the art of self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Indeed, thanks to that treatment, I was able to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class, earn both a Bachelor and Master of Science degree from Stanford, and go to medical school. The treatment did more than simply relieving my symptoms; I started to believe in myself enough to take on these challenges. Furthermore, as time has gone, I have relied on fewer special accommodations to the point where I used none at all in medical school.
In my teen years, as I began to find a path towards functional adulthood, it became obvious to me that I should do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me and to the community of patients with ADHD who needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. When I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak, I set this goal: I want to be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by age 45...and I want to be a physician working with children and adolescents with ADHD.
When I went to college, I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more knowledge. I decided that Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and then started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I know first-hand we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care. I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to do research in both psychiatry and neurology while being able to practice in primary care. I enjoy research and teaching, and adolescent medicine offers many opportunities for both. Adolescents need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them, and I want to do it.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face children. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need it most and to serve the underserved. I want to be a pediatrician!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
Hello again Mike,
I'm in work again, so i thought I'd have another go at this.
Feel free to totally ignore any of my suggestions
Btw, it's really important to have a striking introduction... the person who will read this will probably have seen many of these, and will be looking for something to draw his/her attention, and hold it for the rest of the statement.
Anyways....
Good luck
Clare xo
I didn't want to be a doctor when I was growing up. I was fascinated by the job, but it seemed like so much hard work, so many years of schooling, and back then school was a forced chore that I hated.
At 8 years old I found out why I was so disinterested. I was diagnosed with ADHD and my young life was turned upside down.
Suddenly doctors were not just people who had spent untold hours hunched over medical texts studying human anatomy - they were people who could have a monumental and beneficial effect on someone's life.
My parents were distraught with that inital diagnosis, but they took me to a psychiatrist who explained the condition to me and helped me to understand it.
As time went by, the treatment helped me to change my behavior, and I started to think
about my future.
By the time I was in high school, I had mastered self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Thanks to that treatment, I found myself graduating in the top 5% of my high school class, going on to earn a Bachelor then a Master of Science degree from Stanford, and finally to go to medical school.
My time with that psychiatrist had done more than simply relieve my symptoms; I had started to believe in myself, enough to take on these challenges which I once thought were beyond me.
Furthermore, as time passed, I found myself relying on fewer special accommodations, to the degree that I used none at all in medical school.
During my teenage years, as I began to find a path towards adulthood, I felt the need to do everything I could to give back to the network of health care professionals who helped me, and to the new community of patients with ADHD who now needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college and higher education.
As I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak I set myself a goal: that I would be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by 45... as a physician working with children and adolescents diagnosed with ADHD.
By the time I went to college I already knew I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class.
I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more. I decided that a Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I also considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology.
As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make decisions for them. From this experience I know first-hand that we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care.
I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunity for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face them. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the children who need it most and to serve those who are often marginalised in our society.
I want to be a pediatrician!
Hope this is ok xx
Hello again Mike,
I'm in work again, so i thought I'd have another go at this.
Feel free to totally ignore any of my suggestions
Btw, it's really important to have a striking introduction... the person who will read this will probably have seen many of these, and will be looking for something to draw his/her attention, and hold it for the rest of the statement.
Anyways....
Good luck
Clare xo
I didn't want to be a doctor when I was growing up. I was fascinated by the job, but it seemed like so much hard work, so many years of schooling, and back then school was a forced chore that I hated.
At 8 years old I found out why I was so disinterested. I was diagnosed with ADHD and my young life was turned upside down.
Suddenly doctors were not just people who had spent untold hours hunched over medical texts studying human anatomy - they were people who could have a monumental and beneficial effect on someone's life.
My parents were distraught with that inital diagnosis, but they took me to a psychiatrist who explained the condition to me and helped me to understand it.
As time went by, the treatment helped me to change my behavior, and I started to think
about my future.
By the time I was in high school, I had mastered self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Thanks to that treatment, I found myself graduating in the top 5% of my high school class, going on to earn a Bachelor then a Master of Science degree from Stanford, and finally to go to medical school.
My time with that psychiatrist had done more than simply relieve my symptoms; I had started to believe in myself, enough to take on these challenges which I once thought were beyond me.
Furthermore, as time passed, I found myself relying on fewer special accommodations, to the degree that I used none at all in medical school.
During my teenage years, as I began to find a path towards adulthood, I felt the need to do everything I could to give back to the network of health care professionals who helped me, and to the new community of patients with ADHD who now needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college and higher education.
As I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak I set myself a goal: that I would be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by 45... as a physician working with children and adolescents diagnosed with ADHD.
By the time I went to college I already knew I wanted to study ADHD and other developmental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class.
I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more. I decided that a Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I also considered pediatric psychiatry and neurology.
As an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make decisions for them. From this experience I know first-hand that we need more people in medicine helping teenagers deal with the challenges of youth in the 21st century.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care.
I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunity for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face them. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the children who need it most and to serve those who are often marginalised in our society.
I want to be a pediatrician!
Hope this is ok xx
Getting to the other side
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Poise, thanks. Let me pick that over and see what parts of your version I want to keep. I like some of it a lot!
Poise, thanks. Let me pick that over and see what parts of your version I want to keep. I like some of it a lot!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
No problem sunshine
Again, best of luck, let us know how you get on... but it seems like you're determined enough to get whatever you want, so stick with it
Love Clare x
No problem sunshine
Again, best of luck, let us know how you get on... but it seems like you're determined enough to get whatever you want, so stick with it
Love Clare x
Getting to the other side
GOLD Member
member
73 posts
Location: Reno, USA
member
73 posts
Location: Reno, USA
Posted:
aside from posting it to a bunch o' people, another way that I've always assessed my essays is to read it aloud. I think I'll do that to yours and tell ya what I come up with.
EDITED_BY: howwoward (1091641373)
aside from posting it to a bunch o' people, another way that I've always assessed my essays is to read it aloud. I think I'll do that to yours and tell ya what I come up with.
EDITED_BY: howwoward (1091641373)
Sometimes, you just have to believe.
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
To everyone has helped so far:
Firepoise/Clare, I can't even begin to thank you enough for that. As you can see, I've incorporated many of your changes...and I've even taken some of your changes and taken off on them a bit myself. I LOVED your second-to-last sentence. But my friend didn't. He reminded me of a line from our Dean's talk on residency apps: "Residency directors don't want a resident who is going to stand up and fight every injustice." He's got a point. It sounds a bit too chip-on-shoulder. Oh well. 
Anyway, here is V3.0:
--------------------------------------------
I didn’t want to be a doctor when I was growing up. I was fascinated by the art, but it seemed like so much hard work and so many years of schooling...and I hated school. At age 8, I found out why. I was diagnosed with ADHD. That was when I truly began to experience the monumental impact that a physician can have on a patient’s life.
My parents were distraught at the initial diagnosis, but they took me to a psychiatrist who treated me. As time went on, the treatment helped me change my behavior and I started to think about my future. By the time I was in high school, I had mastered the art of self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Indeed, thanks to that treatment, I was able to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class, earn both a Bachelor and Master of Science degree from Stanford, and go to medical school. The treatment did more than simply relieving my symptoms; I started to believe in myself enough to set these goals that so many people had once felt were far beyond my reach. Furthermore, as time passed, I relied on fewer special accommodations to the point where I used none at all in medical school or on the USMLE.
In my teen years, as I began to find a path towards adulthood, I felt the need to do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me, and to the growing community of patients with ADHD who needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. When I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak, I set myself another goal: that I would be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by 45... as a physician working with children and adolescents with ADHD.
When I went to college, I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other develop-mental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more. I decided that Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and then started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I con-sidered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. However, as an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences. I realized that something had to be done to help them.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I remember that I was working with DanceSafe at a rave in Detroit when I first decided that I could do the most good as a specialist in Adolescent Medicine.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care. I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face children. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need it most and to serve those who are underserved. I want to be a pediatrician!
To everyone has helped so far:
Firepoise/Clare, I can't even begin to thank you enough for that. As you can see, I've incorporated many of your changes...and I've even taken some of your changes and taken off on them a bit myself. I LOVED your second-to-last sentence. But my friend didn't. He reminded me of a line from our Dean's talk on residency apps: "Residency directors don't want a resident who is going to stand up and fight every injustice."
He's got a point. It sounds a bit too chip-on-shoulder. Oh well. Anyway, here is V3.0:
--------------------------------------------
I didn’t want to be a doctor when I was growing up. I was fascinated by the art, but it seemed like so much hard work and so many years of schooling...and I hated school. At age 8, I found out why. I was diagnosed with ADHD. That was when I truly began to experience the monumental impact that a physician can have on a patient’s life.
My parents were distraught at the initial diagnosis, but they took me to a psychiatrist who treated me. As time went on, the treatment helped me change my behavior and I started to think about my future. By the time I was in high school, I had mastered the art of self-organization to the point where I was a straight-A student. Indeed, thanks to that treatment, I was able to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class, earn both a Bachelor and Master of Science degree from Stanford, and go to medical school. The treatment did more than simply relieving my symptoms; I started to believe in myself enough to set these goals that so many people had once felt were far beyond my reach. Furthermore, as time passed, I relied on fewer special accommodations to the point where I used none at all in medical school or on the USMLE.
In my teen years, as I began to find a path towards adulthood, I felt the need to do everything I could do to give back both to the community of health care professionals who had helped me, and to the growing community of patients with ADHD who needed help.
With this in mind, I joined CH.A.D.D. and ADDA, national advocacy organizations for children and adults with ADHD. I have presented at their national conferences and published in their magazines on the topic of managing ADHD in high school, college, and higher education. When I watched Russell Barkley and Ned Hallowel speak, I set myself another goal: that I would be invited to give either the CH.A.D.D. or ADDA keynote address by 45... as a physician working with children and adolescents with ADHD.
When I went to college, I knew that I wanted to study ADHD and other develop-mental/behavioral disorders, but the science of neurobiology took me by surprise. I had no idea how fascinating the field was until the introductory lectures in my Sophomore year biology class. I studied molecular genetics and neurobiology with a voracious appetite for more. I decided that Master of Science degree offered a good compromise between a B.S. and a Ph.D. I earned my M.S. and then started medical school.
Between my interests in genetics, neurobiology and eventually public health, I con-sidered pediatric psychiatry and neurology. However, as an undergraduate in San Francisco, I saw teenagers out all night at raves doing drugs, practicing unsafe sex and suffering the consequences. I realized that something had to be done to help them.
I joined DanceSafe, a harm-reduction organization that puts together on-site displays at raves to educate teenagers about the risks of the choices they make, without trying to 'lecture' or make their decisions for them. I remember that I was working with DanceSafe at a rave in Detroit when I first decided that I could do the most good as a specialist in Adolescent Medicine.
Adolescent medicine is the perfect synthesis of my interests and skills. It allows me to research in both psychiatry and neurology while delivering primary care. I enjoy research and teaching and adolescent medicine offers ample opportunities for both. Young people need dedicated professionals who can advocate for them and I believe I have the skills to meet this need.
I love children of all ages. I am fascinated by the array of problems and conditions that face children. I would like to give something back to the profession that has helped me so much in my own life. I want to help the kids who need it most and to serve those who are underserved. I want to be a pediatrician!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
BTW: I'm terribly sorry, but I have to do this:
---------
! D!DN’7 W@N7 70 B3 @ D0C70R WH3N ! W@5 6R0W!N6 UP. ! W@5 F@5C!N@73D BY 7H3 @R7, BU7 !7 533M3D 1!K3 50 MUCH H@RD W0RK @ND 50 M@NY Y3@R5 0F 5CH001!N6...@ND ! H@73D 5CH001. @7 @63 8, ! F0UND 0U7 WHY. ! W@5 D!@6N053D W!7H @DHD. 7H@7 W@5 WH3N ! 7RU1Y B36@N 70 3XP3R!3NC3 7H3 M0NUM3N7@1 !MP@C7 7H@7 @ PHY5!C!@N C@N H@V3 0N @ P@7!3N7’5 1!F3.
MY P@R3N75 W3R3 D!57R@U6H7 @7 7H3 !N!7!@1 D!@6N05!5, BU7 7H3Y 700K M3 70 @ P5YCH!@7R!57 WH0 7R3@73D M3. @5 7!M3 W3N7 0N, 7H3 7R3@7M3N7 H31P3D M3 CH@N63 MY B3H@V!0R @ND ! 57@R73D 70 7H!NK @B0U7 MY FU7UR3. BY 7H3 7!M3 ! W@5 !N H!6H 5CH001, ! H@D M@573R3D 7H3 @R7 0F 531F-0R6@N!2@7!0N 70 7H3 P0!N7 WH3R3 ! W@5 @ 57R@!6H7-@ 57UD3N7.
----
Right, I'm going to stop right there.
BTW: I'm terribly sorry, but I have to do this:
---------
! D!DN’7 W@N7 70 B3 @ D0C70R WH3N ! W@5 6R0W!N6 UP. ! W@5 F@5C!N@73D BY 7H3 @R7, BU7 !7 533M3D 1!K3 50 MUCH H@RD W0RK @ND 50 M@NY Y3@R5 0F 5CH001!N6...@ND ! H@73D 5CH001. @7 @63 8, ! F0UND 0U7 WHY. ! W@5 D!@6N053D W!7H @DHD. 7H@7 W@5 WH3N ! 7RU1Y B36@N 70 3XP3R!3NC3 7H3 M0NUM3N7@1 !MP@C7 7H@7 @ PHY5!C!@N C@N H@V3 0N @ P@7!3N7’5 1!F3.
MY P@R3N75 W3R3 D!57R@U6H7 @7 7H3 !N!7!@1 D!@6N05!5, BU7 7H3Y 700K M3 70 @ P5YCH!@7R!57 WH0 7R3@73D M3. @5 7!M3 W3N7 0N, 7H3 7R3@7M3N7 H31P3D M3 CH@N63 MY B3H@V!0R @ND ! 57@R73D 70 7H!NK @B0U7 MY FU7UR3. BY 7H3 7!M3 ! W@5 !N H!6H 5CH001, ! H@D M@573R3D 7H3 @R7 0F 531F-0R6@N!2@7!0N 70 7H3 P0!N7 WH3R3 ! W@5 @ 57R@!6H7-@ 57UD3N7.
----
Right, I'm going to stop right there.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
Yo... Lighning... I'd rewrite your last paragraph as your first paragraph as well (different but the same) and then make what you have now as your first paragraph into your second paragraph.
I think you want a more positive first impression.
Yo... Lighning... I'd rewrite your last paragraph as your first paragraph as well (different but the same) and then make what you have now as your first paragraph into your second paragraph.
I think you want a more positive first impression.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
Pooh-Bah
2,354 posts
Location: Away from home
2,354 posts
Location: Away from home
Posted:
positive version of first paragraph:
As an 8 year old child I first began to truely experience the monumental impact that a physician can have on a patient's life. I didn't want to be a doctor when I was growing up, not because I didn't find the art of it fascinating, but because it would mean so many years of schooling. I did not enjoy school and at 8 years old I was told why; I was diagnosed with ADHD.
then go on to say how the subsequent treatment etc. changed your outlook on academics and opened up this most rewarding of careers to you sort-of-thing
positive version of first paragraph:
As an 8 year old child I first began to truely experience the monumental impact that a physician can have on a patient's life. I didn't want to be a doctor when I was growing up, not because I didn't find the art of it fascinating, but because it would mean so many years of schooling. I did not enjoy school and at 8 years old I was told why; I was diagnosed with ADHD.
then go on to say how the subsequent treatment etc. changed your outlook on academics and opened up this most rewarding of careers to you sort-of-thing
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
How about 'I didn't always want to be a doctor growing up' rather than 'I didn't want to be a doctor growing up'.
The first sounds like you had other plans, the later, which you have now, sounds a bit more negative.
How about 'I didn't always want to be a doctor growing up' rather than 'I didn't want to be a doctor growing up'.
The first sounds like you had other plans, the later, which you have now, sounds a bit more negative.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
Thanks for that Mike twas no problems at all.
With regards the first par thing... yeah, in most cases it is better to have a positive introduction, however, Mike's doctor-in-charge will see hundreds of these things and it might be good to have something different that will grab his/her attention. It is a gamble, but I don't think the doctor will reject him if he/she doesn't like his first sentence.
Also, that opening sentence of "I didn't want to be a doctor" does reflect the ADHD which Mike goes on to talk about - and it's a way of introducing the condition without it sounding too victimy.
Anyways, good luck and let us know how you're getting on
xx
Thanks for that Mike
twas no problems at all.With regards the first par thing... yeah, in most cases it is better to have a positive introduction, however, Mike's doctor-in-charge will see hundreds of these things and it might be good to have something different that will grab his/her attention. It is a gamble, but I don't think the doctor will reject him if he/she doesn't like his first sentence.
Also, that opening sentence of "I didn't want to be a doctor" does reflect the ADHD which Mike goes on to talk about - and it's a way of introducing the condition without it sounding too victimy.
Anyways, good luck and let us know how you're getting on
xx
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