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Pele
BRONZE Member since Dec 2000

Pele

the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:I am not a little person. I am tall and a bit thick in the middle, but not rolly or anything. I have defined muscle and such but my metabolism changed drastically after I had my son.
Prior to that I struggled with bulemia and being 30+ pounds under ideal weight for me. After I had him I had to change my life habits, deal with depression and not in a bulemic way, so I gained weight, and am trying to take it off sensibly.

I am also working on my self-confidence. I will always see myself about 50 pounds heavier than I am. I am working on being comfortable in my skin, and it is not easy.

Recently I was hired to do a trailing, fire eating, etc show with a specific theme which kind of required not a whole lot of clothing. I chose a skort (shorts hidden by a front panel to look like a skirt, not short ones though) and a decorated bra top, because I know that these would play on my good features and downplay my worst (middle and hips). I was told I looked really good even though I was not comfortable at all. I did it to "face the fear" essentially, hoping people would notice my fire and skill and not me. Some did, others would not. There were girls (and only girls, the guys were great) in the crowd who were just damn rude and hurtful. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it really does, alot. I am not that fat. I am not that ugly. But I felt like it, and still do looking at the pictures. All I wanted to do was entertain them. Share what I love to do, what I was hired to do. Obviously the person who hired me didn't think I was all that bad.
Now I look at the pictures and all I see is a cow. All I feel like doing is eating to puke. All I am doing is crying, feeling very lonely on this board of beautiful people.

Why the hell do people have to be so mean? What did I do to them? Here I am 28 thinking I left all this behind in school when I was picked on for being thin and different. *sigh* I give up.

Anyone else have anything like this happen?
Maybe PWB can post a pic of it so you can all be honest with me as to what you think.
Thanks.


Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

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poppy


member
Location: Brisbane,Australia

Total posts: 15
Posted:mate, try not to give in to the bulimia side of things. i know it's really hard, i'v been down that road for the last 5 years, and it's very hard to kick. I started reading alot of books written by people such as louise L. Hay, and it has really helped me get through some of the tougher times when i really feel like shit and think i'm ugly and useless.
everybody is beautiful, and don't let anyone make you feel any different.I'm sure you are a beautiful looking person anyway, i haven't seen photos of you. but a person is never beautiful unless they have a beautiful soul. and you definately do. Many people will envy you for that.


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Pele
BRONZE Member since Dec 2000

Pele

the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:Thanks again everyone. This has all helped my pserpective, and helped me feel a little better.
I appreciate all the love and support.


Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

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