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Peregrine


member
Location: Mystic, Ct. USA

Total posts: 428
Posted:I'm sorry, I just had to...my cousin sent this to me:Joke of the WeekA juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the cop."I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.""Oh yeah? Let's see you do it."So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"(and we all know its not possible to juggle fire while drunk right?!)Pere

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sunbeam
SILVER Member since Nov 2001

sunbeam

old hand
Location: Madrid, United Kingdom

Total posts: 1032
Posted:Ok my joke is inoffensive but it makes me laugh:What do you call two happy mushrooms?Fun guys hehehehe------------------Life in the circus ain't easy but the folks on the outside don't know yeah well the tent goes up and the tent goes down and all that they see is the show and the ladies on the horses look so pretty and the lions are looking real mad and some of the clowns are happy and some of the clowns are sad. Welcome to the freakshow.. here we go (Freakshow by Ani di Franco)

"I don't take drugs. I am drugs" - Salvador Dali

sunny

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Pele'sWhippingBoy


member
Location: Rochester, NY, USA

Total posts: 442
Posted:Helen Keller's life is used as a "overcoming hardships" story. Her teacher tought her to understand sign by signing into Helen's hand. She tought her to read brail.She was also quite outspoken in the political community as well. I don't know the details about it, but I do know that those that make school books do not agree with her views so we don't learn about them in school.------------------FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB."Those who can, do. Those who can't, critique"Pyromorph.com - Let the fire change you

FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. - Homer Jay Simpson

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Organized Kaos


member
Location: Thornhill, Ontario Canada

Total posts: 238
Posted:yo forget about hellen keller,where can I meet these Essex girls??!!!

Every morning I wake up and hit the ground yawning...

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Carrey
SILVER Member since Dec 2001

member
Location: London, England.

Total posts: 180
Posted:Helen Keller was also a great Feminist writer as well...a truly remarkable human being in the face of such adversities...So, Essex girls...that's easy...um...go to Essex! (There are lots of them there.)A word of warning though:My brother, who's well known for his lack of tact and extremely shocking flirting habits actually went up to some "Essex" girls (i.e. several of them separately) at a party saying, "Hi, I hear Essex girls are crap in bed, do you want to prove otherwise?" Clearly he thought that would work, but alas, he just got into lots of trouble...Go Shayne, go Shayne...LMAOC

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Jedi


member
Location: New Zealand

Total posts: 11
Posted:whats green and purple and crawls round in circles?a baby with a plastic bag on its head

May the force be with you

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Galawen


member
Location: USA

Total posts: 45
Posted:Ok here's one of my favorites,Two me are in the bar at the top of the empire state building. After a few drinks the first guy say to the second "Did you know that if you jump of this building the updraft will fly you back up?". The second man who wasn't about to be fooled by a drunk replies "Oh yeah, prove it". So the first man gathers his nerve and takes the leap of faith. Seconds later he comes soaring back up and crashes into a table stunned but unhurt. The second guy says "Wow, thats amazing. That must be sooo fun." The guy drowns another drink and with a running start throws himself over the edge. Seconds later he crashes into the pavement at the bottom dieing instantly. The first guy chuckles to himself and goes over to the bar. The bartender say to him "You sure are a jerk when you're drunk Superman"Heres a few shorter ones.If pro is the opposite of conIs Congress the opposite of progressIf the little black box on the plane is indestructablewhy dont they make the whole plane out of it.What did the arab hijackers say an instant before crashing into the twins?Aziz, Aziz, You think I make it between buildings!:cool
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:coolWell my fingers hurt now soThats all folks.------------------Give Me FuelGive Me FireGive Me That Which I Desire-MetallicA


Give Me FuelGive Me FireGive Me That Which I Desire-MetallicA

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Carrey
SILVER Member since Dec 2001

member
Location: London, England.

Total posts: 180
Posted:Forgive me...but this is funny...An Irish bloke goes to the doctor."Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot."So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look."Incredible," he says, "there is a 20 note lodged up here!" Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 note appears."This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?""Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc....Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"The Doctor counts the pile of cash."There's 1,990 exactly.""Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn"t feeling two grand."

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SteelWngs
BRONZE Member since Aug 2001

SteelWngs

member
Location: Malden, Massachusetts United S...

Total posts: 169
Posted:A Kiwi was sitting with an Australian and a Indian in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.But as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should bereleased after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."So the Indian guy thought for a while and then said:" Please be tieing a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.The Kiwi, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.Before the Aussie could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country, and your rugby team are terrific, and your women beautiful you can have two wishes!"."Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie replies. "My first wish is: "I would like to have 40 lashes.""If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on hisface, "and your second wish?""Tie the Kiwi to my back."------------------Blessings to all, Peter "In motion, move like a thundering wave. When still, be like a mountain.Rising up, be like a monkey. Land swiftly and lightly like a bird. Be steadylike a rooster on one leg. One's stance is as firm as a pine tree, yetexpresses motion. Spin swiftly and circularly like a wheel. Bend and flexlike a bow. Waft gracefully like a leaf in the wind. Sink like a heavy pieceof metal. Prey like a watchful, gliding eagle. Accelerate like a gusty wind." Wushu Proverb

Blessings to all,
Peter
When you find yourself in the company of a halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember, you do not have to outrun the Dragon ...you just have to outrun the halfling.

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FirePoi-boy


member
Location: Bantry, Ireland

Total posts: 71
Posted:Q.Why did the chicken cross the road?A. To get to the otherside.Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?A.Cos he was stuck to the chicken.Q. Why did the punk cross the road?A.Cos the chicken was nailed to his head.

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Durbs
BRONZE Member since Sep 2001

Durbs

Classically British
Location: Epsom, Surrey, England

Total posts: 5688
Posted:A man walks into a Doctors surgery and looks around nervously. The doctor asks the man what the problem is. The man looks kind of embarresed and drop his trousers. The doctor, sensing the man's embarassment takes a good look at his tackle but can't find anything wrong with it. "I'm sorry" he says, "but what's the problem?"The man looks up nervously and says:"I can't stop showing it to people"

Burner of Toast
Spinner of poi
Slacker of enormous magnitude

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poiboy


member
Location: Long Beach, CA, USA

Total posts: 22
Posted:so a pilot gets shot down over the jungle, and is captured by a cannibal tribe. He is taken to their leader, who informs him that he must pass their test, or he will be eaten. He is led to three huts, and the leader says, "In the first hut there are six bottles of vodka. You must drink them all in one hour. In the second hut, there is a tiger with a terrible toothache. Remove the tooth and bring it to me. In the third hut, there is a beautiful woman who has never been sexually satisfied. Satisfy her, and you can go free." The pilot agrees, and enters the first hut. Bottle after bottle flies out, until the guy is pulled out after an hour, piss-drunk. He is shoved into the second hut, and right away the tiger starts roaring. There are horrifying sounds of screaming and clawing for an entire hour, but at the end the pilot stumbles out and says to the chief,"So where's that lady with a toothache?"2 whales are swimming side by side.One says, "EEEEEEUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"The other says, "What?!"2 ovaries are talking.The first one says, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"Says the second: "No, why?""Because two nuts are trying to push an organ up here."How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Just one, but he has to give it a good twist.What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?CancerDid you hear about the Polish airliner that crashed in a cemetery?They recovered 11,000 bodies.Two polacks are walking, and they run into a friend. The friend says, "What has 4 legs and stinks?"The poles reply, "I don't know.""You and your friend!"Thus educated, the polacks keep walking until they run into a couple of old friends, and see a chance to use the joke."Hey, what has four legs and stinks?""We don't know," reply the friends."Me and my friend!"just hadda clear my throat
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FirePoi-boy


member
Location: Bantry, Ireland

Total posts: 71
Posted:There were these three guys you got absolutely hammered drunk one night. The next morning they met up to discuss the night before. The first guy says"god, it was terrible last night. When i got home i blew chunks in the garden and staggered in to bed."The second guy says "thats nothing! last night when i got home i threw up all over the house before I managed to get to bed."The third guy says "you think thats bad? When i got home I threw up all over the house and when I woke up it turned out I'd had a huge shit in the bed.""no no" says the first guy "you don't understand! Chunks is the name of my dog!!

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Acid


member
Location: Israel

Total posts: 110
Posted:Whiffle Squeekabout the picture-that was freaky!!!!!it's kinda dumb thinking about it now but you don't expect what you see.neat

life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans John Lennon

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SickpuPpy


SickpuPpy

Ninja Rockstar!
Location: Denver, Co. U.S.A.

Total posts: 1100
Posted:This one's mildly offensive:Two hobo's were walking down a stretch of rail road tracks. The first Hobo turns to the other and says "You know, I must be the luckiest guy in the world." The second hobo replies "Oh yeah, why's that." "Well about a week or two ago I was walking down these same tracks and I found a twenty dollar bill. I went into town and bought a case of McCormick's and was drunk for a week straight." "Wow. That's pretty lucky" said the second Hobo "But I think I've got you beat. You see, just this time last week I found a beautiful naked girl just laying next to the tracks. I took her up into those trees over there and I had sex with her for three whole days." "My God!" says the first Hobo "You really are the luckiest guy in the world. Um...... Did you get a blow job?" "Naw" said the second Hobo "I couldn't find her head"

Jesus helps me trick people.

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