Nick's Video Thread: Lots of New Videos

Hope there's many more nick/yuta videos to come :]

That was lovely

Nice one Nick

Wish I could still be out in Thailand with you and Yuta.

Perfect time to get to work on Nick vs Yuta 2!

great! a classic in the tradition of bad dubbing! I liked the oldschool Batman style fighting effects

praying I'll have time to head to Thailand for a week when I finish teaching...

Latest video: The Beautiful thing about Ashes.

Oooh ooh ooh. I'm going out on a bit of a limb with this one. Do you guys trust me? Do you love me?

I occasionally make references to my "artistic temperament." This is a reference to the depressions I've gone through. I've wanted to make a significant post about this, as I know there are some beautiful people out there who can relate, but I've been waiting to be in a happy place, and I am for now so it's just a matter of taking the time.

To make a long story short: I slipped into the Bad Blues starting the end of December. Lots of typical triggers factored into the equation (extended sleep deprivation, some specific events that brought up pain from the past, etc. etc.) By the time our little group was down on Koh Phagnan Island, my brain chemistry seemed out of control. I felt like an absolute loser for being on a tropical beach with the most amazing people in the world and yet depressed as one of those squished snakes on the highway. I couldn't help but compare myself to them. They all seemed so... happy, and they had... normal(er) brain chemistry, and this thing called... self-esteem. At least, they seemed to have those things.

Fortunately, I'm wise enough to know that being surrounded by beautiful people who love me is a GOOD thing, and I started repeating that to myself, along with a list of other positive things. Before long I realized I had all the time in the world to dedicate myself to personal development. I put aside all my videos, website development projects, etc., and applied myself full-time to getting my head screwed on straight(er). It was a bit of an epic few months, and to sum them up: I think I've finally figured out the foundation of my spiritual practice (No, it's not poi.)

But more on that another time. A few weeks back, after everything started falling into place, I was going through some videos from Koh Phangan. I came across a video of myself playing fire at Guys Bar, and it was much better than I thought at the time. This helped me see just how warped my perceptions were at the time, and it got me thinking about how some of the most lovable people I know go through periods of the same kind of warped self-view. I know people who are like... wood stoves. Just being near them feels good. And yet these very people go through nasty periods where they think they're no good.

It also got me thinking about how one of the things that helped me pull out of my funk was a talk I had with one of the aforementioned amazing people, who told me that he too had gone through some periods of depression. This surprised me, because I assumed he was one of those happy people who'd always had lots of love and encouragement from family and friends, so it was somehow comforting to know he had been through some of the same feelings, and yet was now so shining and confident.

...and so, that's why I made this video. I'm hoping it can offer the same kind of encouragement. Maybe that's not even the right word. Maybe it's just friendship. It's me saying to you, "one day you'll look back and realize that you actually didn't suck at all." (There's probably a better way to word that.)

Only time will tell whether these things I tapped into run as deep as I hope they do. This is the too-long-a-story-to-tell-just-now bit. To sum it up: I finally realized that I can straighten my mind out just the way I can straighten my planes out, and that to straighten either out I need to practice. I'll write more about this at a later time, after I've run some more lab tests, so to speak. I'm not sure any of it will ever apply to anyone else but me... but you're at least as awesome so I'm sure you'll figure your way as well.

Oh, and the title is a reference to the Phoenix bird, who arises out of his own ashes.

Mwah,

-Nick

Nick, I have been hanging round HoP for yeeears now, and we have never met. But that was a really touching post, which will, and does, mean so much to everyone here.
Firstly because you are one of the poi gods and it is nice to know that everyone feels shite sometimes.. but secondly, because everyone has masses of respect for you being you.
And if you look at the number of posts in the social discussion board on depression (and I certainly have my share in there) then you'll know that we all have a big dollop of 'artistic temperament' at times.
For someone who is so visiable in the community to express it is such a beautiful way is pretty special.
Big hugs to you - lots of these

and a few of these for your new found appreciation of the self
and one of these for thinking you could ever make a bad video


xox

Nice. This means you got where I was coming from.

The big thing I learned over the past six years is that self-esteem really doesn't come from the outside. Other people thinking I'm good at poi didn't help at all. There are lots of great things about the love I get from the community... but knowing that people think I'm good at poi, or even thinking I'm a good artist, really only goes so far.

What I learned, though, is that you can just self-generate self-esteem. The approach that's working for me is that every time I have a thought that resonates with me, and which I know is true or I can choose for it to be true, it goes on a list of positive thoughts. I've been going through the list every day, and taking the time to make sure I really *feel* each one, so it becomes an emotion and not just some words. This has really helped. I really have a sense that I'm somehow shaping my thinking and the nature of my mind. Not sure it will work for others but for me it seems to be working

How far it will go I don't know. We'll see what happens next time a girl breaks my heart

Thanks for that video! I was feeling pretty apathetic and tired when I watched that, but it inspired me to go out and have a really great spin; so and respect and for putting it out there.

You raise so fast to know about trust.

love,

:R

Thank you for such an inspirational vid...:-)...

From someone who can relate your vid gave me some kind of hope. I have regualr bouts of depression have done since I was 14, some far worse then others...and I know my self esteem is terrible...I don't like myself very much for reasons I am not even sure of and i find it so hard because of that to accept that other people like me, or that I am good at anything.....obviously their are times when i think this alot worse then othertimes...but it is still there.....

I am glad you posted this...I am going to make today a good day *nods*

Plus your spinning is amazing....one day I hope I'll be able to spin like you can...

Yeah, the low-self esteem thing is tough to figure out, because it can be underneath the thoughts somehow. I'm really aware of my self-esteem issues when I'm talking to girls sometimes. I'm not actively thinking negative thoughts, but if I watch my behavior and feelings, there is sort of an assumption of I-suck-so-you-don't-have-to-talk-to-me-if-you-don't-want-to-ness.

I've come a long way since I was a teenager, mind you, and also in the past few years. It was actually one of the other things that helped me pull out this winter: three years ago when I was on the same beach I was really having a hard time approaching people and women in particular, but this time I noticed that I was being quite fearless... which was nice to see, and forced me to admit that I was evolving.

Soooo... that's all part of what got me working with the morning affirmations, which I recommend at least trying. The trick is to find things you actually believe.... or are capable of believing.

...and as I keep saying, it will be a while before I can give a report on just how much this approach works for me. I'm glad people are finding some refuge in it though. That's exactly what I received so it's nice if I can pass it on

Oooh, and I am still going to get myself into cognitive behavioral therapy or something when I get the chance. I think the other trick is to keep working towards mental health even when you're feeling healthy, because it's hard to reach out once you're down.

I'm going to write a full-on story about this winter, because it was rather epic. It will include Hafiz poetry

Nick, that video really cheered me up all i want to do is give you a great big hug!

Well, all your videos make me smile, but the message put accross was what i needed, everyone has their down days.

You have a lower number, where have you been
all the time.

Where are your threads in Poi moves. Don't you
"I just learn a new trick" sometime.

lightning,

:R

Nick! Ivè tried to make a comment on youtube but it doesn`t come up

What I wanted to say was that I really liked your vid, it`s beautiful thinking and a beautiful story combined with divine spinning

Hope to se you soon, happy as always and I mean real happiness where the happy juices flow inside

Take care and think big, postive thoughts about yourself, look on yourself from the outside and you will see for yourself how nice you realy are.

Sounds like im a and a gay one

Love!

//Thomas

Hey ya Nick! Thanks for another beautiful vid. More importantly, thanks for sharing what your inner experience has been like. I've also dealt with some self-esteem issues over the years, and I actually thought those demons had been slain but had an experience recently where I realized that they weren't. But I did beat them back some.

It's funny that your issues come up sometimes when you're talking to girls, because mine come up when I'm (not)(or barely) talking to boys! Beautiful and fabulous gay boys specifically, straight ones I can handle.

But you know, you were feeling down and inferior and got up and did a beautiful spin. And that's more than I managed -- I too was supposed to spin during this recent bout of lowness I had, and I couldn't get myself onstage. I went and hid in the trees. Literally. My friends went and carried on with the show while I moped in the shadows telling myself how much I suck. But you didn't let that inner-critic voice stop you!

So you sharing this vid and where you were at when it was filmed is really heartening. Thank you for that. Much love to you.

Nick. Just watched The Beautiful thing about Ashes and i think you're really brave for putting it out there. After hanging out with you a bit at Bristol last year, i could see you were going through a bit of a rough patch. I'm glad you're starting to come out the other side. Kepp going, it sounds like what you're doing is working.

Keep that beautiful smile of yours beaming, you have no idea how much joy that brings. oh, and keep rocking!

Khan: You're beautiful. I love you, and so would any sexy gay boy in his right mind.

Richee: I would spend more time on HOP if I had more time, but as it is I spend too much time on the computer, and usually doing the stuff I really need to do. Already it's too much time typing typing typing. Someday I hope to be able to interact with video, and then we can all play poi together instead of writing about it.

n

Love you Nick...

Miss ya

Keep 'er lit indeed



xx

"you are so much more beautiful than you think!"

thx nick, back to you,......will remember bristol and our tent whoring.......love ya .....expect ya .....found a pair of socks from ya.....miss ya...thinking of you....having fun......wish you even more .....
kisses.------jasmin-------.

shall we meet in greece or asia????

evne when you're feeling so down you can still spin incredibly, it doesnt matter whether you're having a bad day or a good one because when you can channel that energy into something like that its all good

pity didnt catch you when you stayed at seyes house in manchester seeing as im there pretty regularly