My slow return to hop.. after a massive and horrible tragedy

i know some of you have noticed my lack of posting on hop over the past week(or maybe my head is just swelling!). there is actually a serious and very disturbing reason for this. i learned last week that my brother suddenly and completely unexpectedly killed himself in australia. he had been living there for the past year and a half, doing his phd in neuropharmacology. any time i spoke to him he sounded so excited about every day and he was loving the time he spent there. he had met a girl a few months ago and they were so happy together, they were going to buy a house together and they were talking about getting married.

my head is still a little all over the place, but i have the support of my friends ,wonderful girlfriend and my family to keep me going.

he will be returned home on sunday evening, with his girlfriend and 3 of his greatest friends, and after a short stay in our home he will be buried on tuesday.

if you are reading this mesage and you have any sympathies for me or my family please keep us all in your thoughts on tuesday morning (12:00 gmt) the time of the funeral mass.

Hello Barry

Have been thinking about you all week...

I'm so very sorry for what you've been going through.

You are such a wonderful, warm and loving friend and it's awful to see you in such pain.

You know we are all here for you to do what we can, limited as that may be.

There is no explanation for why your brother did this. It is a sad loss of a precious life, and the only thing that will help your family deal with this is time.

I love you lots Dr Fandango... you and Helene are so strong and good for each other - rely on her for the support she will undoubtably give you.

Take care... I'll be thinking of you (we all will)... and I'll see you sometime.

With my deepest sympathies
Clare xx

'You are such a wonderful, warm and loving friend and it's awful to see you in such pain.' thats exactly what anyone would have said to alan.(so my mam says as she reads your message over my shoulder .

mam says...
'thank you for your message, for being in touch with us.'

I don't even know what to say.

So I'm going to do the only thing I can do from this remote place called "my keyboard." I'm going to post a hug smiley.

Because that's the ony thing I can do.

Take each day as it comes Barry, we're all thinking about you.

Indeed our hearts are with you... I was thinking about this today when I was in a very beautiful peaceful place here, and sent you some love from Australia....
Your brother seemed to have so much to live for. Do we know he really took his own life, not an accident of some sort? (you don't have to answer that, it's probably horribly insensitive of me even to ask...) Whatever has happened, you know there will be prayers with you on Tuesday...

so much love coming to you from hoppers all around the globe.

so many 's for you and your family for the now.

cheers doc :hug-received-&-a-big-1-right-back-atcha:

newgabe, thanks for the love & thoughts. its not insensitive to be curious. the same questions went screaming thru my mind"maybe it was an accident?,maybe it wasnt him...". it was no accident, he had taken a bottle of poison from his lab and mixed it with vodka. with his studies and years of experience with the subject in college, he knew exactly what he was doing. it was a VERY hard fact to come to terms with. he was 30 years old and he lived every day to the full. dad says he was 30 going on 85! mam says that he spent his 30 years here with us and god needed him back for something..

thank you all for your love and sympathy!

As mike said, I can't do more... but you'll be in my thoughts.

on tuesday at 12.00 i'll be praying for you, for your whole family and especially for your brother +

Like Lightning said, thats all I've got mate.

Stay strong.

Tuesday, 12, you have my love and support

thanks for your love lads, i know that its going to take a LONG time to come to terms with whats realy going on. but we have alan back now with us. i have shed countless tears but its just so fantrastic to have my big brother back with me. i can talk to him and ask him all the questions i have, i know he cant answer me, but i can hear him in my head. seeing him layed out in a coffin in my sitting room is so hard. but at the same time i am so f***ing releaved thet he is here. he is so peaceful. i guess(thats all i can do at this stage) that he is at rest now, whatever trouble was going thru his mind when he decided to take his own life is gone now and he can truly rest in peace. my other 2 brothers, gav and paul are here with me and i have met alan's girlfriend , karin, i never thought i would meet her under these circumstances, but thats the way things work out sometimes.

i want to thank evryone on hop that has been thinkiong of me and my family (and extended family at this time). and incidentaly, if anyone knows anyone that has any skills in reiki, send as much energy as you can,we need all we can get at this time.
thanks again
Dr. F

I don't really know what to say to you Barry, except that i'm thinking of you. You may or may not be aware that i have lost people close to me also, including a friend who decided for reasons unknown to end his life two years ago. I will never understand why, i just try to respect his decision, knowing that he was an intelligent and good person, who must have had his reasons.

There's not much more i can say, except that i'll be there tomorrow, to give you a hug in person. In the meantime, look after yourself, and lean on all around you who love you and are there to support you.

Nothing can be said to make this any better for you. Grief is an odd creature. Let it unfold in its own time and own way.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you vibes of comfort and strength tomorrow. I hope you soon find a sense of peace.

I don't know you very well. Not even sure if I've ever spoken to you here. But I want to offer my condolences, as well as my e-mail if you would like to chat. mike@hallock.net

Two years ago, almost to the day, I lost my brother unexpectedly as well. The circumstances, especially, of such a death are usually very hard to deal with. Not only will I be thinking of you and your family tomorrow, but I will be traveling home to lay flowers on my brother gravesite for the anniversary of his death... Even now, suicide, anniversary of his death... these things are hard to type and not feel like they are somehow disrespectful to his memory.

We do what we can. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please feel free to e-mail me if you or your family want to chat, ask questions, or just unload and tell stories of rememberance. I know it helps...

Im so deeply saddened to hear this. Know in your heart that whatever questions you have asked your brother he will answer for you, and when he does you will know he is near you.
I have sent a whole lot of reiki to you and all your family and espically your brother.

my thoughts are with you

"say not in grief 'he is no more',but live in thankfulness that he was."
Hebrew Proverb

can't even beigin to imagine the effect this has had on you all.please forgive me for borrowing the words of others but they just seem so fitting.

He Is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cannot see him
Or you it can be full of the love you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remeber him,and only that he has gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind and be empty and turn your
back,
Or you can do what he would want:smile,open your eyes,
love and go on.

Anonymous

so many thoughts are with you,and so much good energy being sent over to you.

Hey Barry

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother pm is on its way.

you have my thoughts ... thats all i can send

and you have been missed

Hi doc,
I'm at home again for a couple of weeks, come on over any time you want,
Martin

right. im going to start one to one counselling soon. i got the numbers for some very good berevement counsellors in dublin who are specified in suicide councelling. but before i do. this forum is still the easiest place i have to share my feelings. im gonna start writing my thoughts down in a book , like i did when i was going thru a very hard time a few years ago. anyways... i have one question, im sure someone will be able to help me with it. alot of people are saying that i shud get out and get active, 'get your mind off things'. but i cant think about my emotions , even when im not doing anything, if im sitting in the flat , i feel comfortable and dont realy want to do anything, i recon that might be the early stages of depresson. i have things to keep m,yselff busy, but i dont real want to! i want to come to terms ith the emotions im incapable of realising. am i fighting a losing battler and just wait 'till therapy starts?

Honey, the pain will never go away, it just gets easier to deal eventually as time passes.
Think about the times you enjoyed together, keeping his memory alive means he's not ever truly gone.
If you find yourself having a laugh with mates and suddenly feel guilty about feeling happy for a moment - dont be - just think about how your brother would enjoy the moment instead of getting depressed.
Share the fun memories with others who knew him instead of dwelling on his death.
Also, stay strong - your family needs you as much as you need them xxx

ohno.. this is the most terrible news..

remember that there are so many people thinking of you and your family, and that he'll always be there too

Hey Barry

I think people are right to tell you and go out - hiding at home is bad, I did that when I was very unhappy and I nearly got stuck in the habit. It's only natural to feel like you do, but (and yet another phrase) your brother would have wanted you to go out and be happy, I'm sure.

If you don't want to think about how you feel, wait until you start councelling, but don't just hide away until then Talk to Helene and your friends and tell them to kick your arse to go out and do stuff even if you say you don't want to Hope you're feeling better soon

I mostly agree with the others, but you need more alone time with yourself to reflect and heal from within. Dont beat yourself up about not going out and keeping a bit more to yourself because this alone time is important..just make sure that it doesnt carry on for too long and that you dont cut the world out or anything, thats when it becomes a bad thing.

I know the feeling dude, same thing happened to me a few years ago.Take your time and dont let anyone else pressure you into thinking you feel something that you dont. Share your thoughts and fears with those closest to you, through this you will find some solace and learn to accept that you will never know the answers to the questions you have. Focus on all the beautiful things and you will find some peace.

My thoughts are with you.
Much love

I am another one who has lost their brother, so I cried as soon as I started to read your message just now.

I lost mine 2 1/2 years ago in a car accident. He was 31. Different circumstances, but equally as sudden and unfair. Our families pain was at it's worst for around a year before it started to become a bit more bearable, but of course, it is always there.

I agree with your mum that he was needed for a higher purpose with God and the Angels. We say that too.

Sending you and your family heaps of love and big hugs

Cyndi

May peace soon be brought to the hearts and minds of all your family

Going out,staying in... whatever you do or wherever you are, it's likely that you are still living in a state of shock.. that can go on for ages, a numbness, a lack of engagement with things and activities around you. Some people manifest shock in lots of rushing around... others in a quieter way. If you feel comfortable at home, and gradually come to feel and do things more strongly.. fine...in some ways that is healthier in the long terms than rushing about...

Best wishes and thanks for letting us know what is happening with you.