Zen and the art of cat washing

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion when a question of food has arisen.) On the off chance that your cat is wise, simply pick up food tray, ignore cat completly, and proudly march off to the bathroom. This will raise contempt in the cat, but not enough to risk skipping a meal. Curiosoty, may not, in this case kill the cat, but it will certainly trick said cat into bathroom.

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door (left foot), step into the tub enclosure (right foot), slide the glass door shut (left hand), dip the cat in the water (gloved right hand) and squirt him with shampoo (teeth). You have begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.

He'll then wriggle free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.

As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. It is best to wash your cat in about the seventh year of it's life. True a younger cat is easier to wash, but wash it young and he'll learn young. A unwashed cat in it's prime will not expect this drastic measure, and after another cycle of seven years, the cat will perhaps (but probably not) have forgotten the incident, another handy technique is to move house, and therefore move bathrooms.

But at least now he smells a lot better.


On the first day of creation, God created the cat.... On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.... On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.... On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.... On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.... On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.... On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....

Cats gotta love em eh,
Heres a pic of my little commander and lord fiend of this establishment.
A proud and firm ruler

[ 30. July 2003, 04:07: Message edited by: Mot ]

thank you!

now...if only i had a cat.

That was so hilarious and somewhat true.

quote:

---

True a younger cat is easier to wash, but wash it young and he'll learn young

---

Nods head in agreement
That's what our family did with all of our cats. We have 6 at our house and 3 more at my grandmothers house, and of course our poor lonely dog.

My mom and me had the cat washing, claw trimming thing down to an art. I would restrain the cat and she would do the dirty to work to them.
We were smart and trimmed the cats claws BEFORE we administered the bath.

On the rare occassions we had to give our cats a bath, we have a sliding glass door on our tub so it was easy, but the space is so vast so the cat would run all over the place. They soon learned how to jump on top of the shower doors and jump out of the tub. This was before I was recruited to help.

We now wash our cats in the kitchen sink with me as a restraint. They get over it and realize they are just gonna have to deal with getting a bath or claws trimmed.

Although it is funny because my cat Salem can talk. (sorta like Salem the cat off of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but only one word). He says it just like a lil toddler, "NO", and with determination!

This list is so funny and reminds me of my humor list over dog laws on my webpage.

Just scroll down and look for the two links "humor list about dogs", click and enjoy

Ok, I would of put the two links on here that would take you directly to that page, but for some reason the second page wouldn't be a link, guess it is because of an apostrophe in the link itself that it wouldn't make it a link on here.So I just gave you my webpage address, so just scroll down and find the two links over dogs and it will take you to the list.

I wonder if there are more out there only over different pets?

[ 30. July 2003, 01:24: Message edited by: Mistress Aurora ]

I love this!

I have some good friends who have cats and will make sure to pass it on.

BTW, the pic didn't load, what's it of? And where did you find this?...it's genius!

More catology,

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

1) Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle it's head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty". Drop pill into it's mouth.

2) Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3) Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4) Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (Resist impulse to get a new cat)

5) Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your right elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting upper jaw...and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6) Leave cat hanging on curtains. Leave pill in your hair.

7) Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming the "who's the boss here anyway" attitude, open cat's mouth, take pill and .....Ooooooops!

8) Crawl to the linen cupboard. Drag back on large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

9) Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from plant pot.

10) Spread cat on towel near one end...with it's head over long edge.

11) Flatten cat's front and back legs over it's stomach (Resist impulse to flatten the cat)

12) Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no one.

13) Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

14) Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila!....It's done.

15) Vacuum up loose fur (cat's) and apply bandages to wounds (yours)

16) Take 2 aspirins. Lie down.

17) Cat walks past, gives you "that" look and spits out pill whilst disappearing through catflap.

If you like cute stories about cats I highly recommend reading the following:

The Brown Plastic Packaging Tape Monster
http://www.bpptm.com/story.shtml

Be prepaired to laugh your behind off.

Now that's how you wash a cat.

Man that rocks,
You take the cake,
You take and run.

Pooor kiiity!

Looks like a drowned rat

Ahhh Poor cat!
My cat's actually really really placid and will willingly go into the bathroom and have a wash. Infact it get's quite annoying when you are washing your face or something at the basin and then the cat jumps up to the ledge and trys to jump into the basin!

Alice

here is my favoite.

step one: clean toilet well

step two: squirt liquid soap into toilet.

step three: open all doors leading to the outside

step four: put on thick leather boots.

step five: drop cat into toilet and quickly shut lid and stand on it. emember to keep all finges and other delicates away from the edges of the lid.

step six: cat will "self aggitate" forming a nice frothy lather.

step seven: flush toilet several times to wrinse cat.

step seven: jump off lid and get out of the way.

cat will run outside and "air dry"

so true. all of them.
my cat has now learnt that when i'm packing my bags it means he will soon have to go in a basket and will be taken to my parents country home. He finds a good hiding place quickly and curls up to make himself as small as possible.
love my moggy, awwww.

Ha! How very true!
The first bath for my oldest cat occurred when he was 9 weeks old. I enlisted the help of a strong male friend of mine, and after 5 seconds we decided to abort the bathing mission as normally placid lil kitty turned into a furry clawed beast from hell... When, lo and behold the lil moggie scrambled loose and lept onto my friends back. The natural reaction of course, with a cat digging its way into your spinal column is to scream and thrash, so poor lil scared drowned scaggy kitty goes flying, and comes to rest with a splash in the toilet... that was an afternoon I never want to relive...
My other cat is the opposite... she spends her morning through the water while im in the shower

this amused me more than anything else has in days lol

thank you!

I am proudly owned by 5 cats, 3 are mogs and 2 are Meezers. (They do make my life difficult when I am trying to spin my poi - I usually end up with a cat on each end ) But, I digress, as of yet I have not had the pleasure of bathing any of my cats, but will file the information away for future reference. One of my cats baths herself from time to time by jumping into my bathwater (a case of leaping before she looks) to play with her ball. And one of my Meezers wanders around the edge of the bath while I shower chasing the water droplets.
Touch wood that I won't ever have to properly bath my little minions!!

reading the 'how to give a cat a pill' thing made me think of giving our cats pills.

it always goes exactly like that. with the spitting it out at the end and all. damn moggies.

it also made me thinkmof getting a cat in the basket to take to the vet. impossible, even if you can find the cat.

they run away when we get the basket out! clever kitties.

I have new trick for giving the cat his pills. Bought cat treats, little stinky fish shaped things that are quite powdery. He goes absolutely MAD for them. I grind them in the mortar and pestle. Then wet his pill, roll it in the powder, and he simply eats it out of my hand. BRILLIANT!! No punture wounds!

that was hilarious!!

One of my cat washing incidents resulted in extreme bloodshed. Picture me standing outside the bathroom sobbing, blinded by dripping blood, with the cat inside howling pathetically covered in flea soap. I couldn't bring myself to go back in and rinse him off, but since it is poisonous, something had to be done. When my xhusband came home, saw the disaster zone, he quite cleverly solved the problem by filling all our pots and pans and buckets with water, bringing out all our towels and lining the hall, then proceeded to rapidly open the door, throw a bucket of water at the yowling cat, slam it shut,wait a few minutes, and do it again...

Suffice to say, that cat never goes near the bathroom now...

I have since learned to stuff them in a pillowcase, tie it around their shoulders, and wash them through that. They cant move much, and are discombobulated by the expereince, so much less bloodshed. Small cats, you can actually squish them gently into the rinse jug, and wsh them in there, it is small so they cant move...

Oh, the joys of pets!

Very nice.

Last time I tried to give my 9 month old cat a bath, somehow I landed up wet, she didn't, and I have scratch marks all the way up my arm.

why dont u use a super soaker.....here kitty kity kitty....