My favourite Private Message

oh no no no Pele..you cant have 3 threads at numbers 1,2 and 3...that is my job.

ANd here is the transcript of my favourite EVER private message conversation, held today with Simian. (go read your intro btw)

I started the messages with one called:

It is time

(yes i sent it to a few others of you but , once again, this was due to the fact that i was bored)


Me:
You know what you must do.

Simian:
have a cup of tea?

learn reverse hyperloops?

release the spores and de-program my genetic code in readiness for the apocalypse?

Me:
Crush the infidel scum!

they will pay for thier crimes against Our Lord.

Jehovah will triumph!

simian:
ok, reverse hyperloops it is then

Me:
NO!

Look at all the lovely people!

Nobody came to Elanor Rigby's Funeral.

That is unfortunate. She should have rung Claims Direct.


Simian:
that bit about claims direct made me do this:

a lot.

you are silly, like thus:

i am STILL on an airfield going slowly insane.
a bit like this:

but not for very much longer...

Me:
Pretend you are not on an airfield, but on the landing site for an alien invasion party.

Stop everything from landing there using any means possible.

They look like planes, but really they are talaken Battlecruisers armed with disruption cannons and squirty cream guns in disguise.

Stop them from landing. Save the world.


Simian:
i reckon i'll just learn reverse hyperloops if its all the same to you.


Me:
But how can you conceive an alien invasion to be reverse hyperloops?

Theroretically, this is non-sensical in the way that eating a satsuma while riding a pogo stick is nigh on impossible.

I used the term "nigh on" due to the fact that it is indeed somewhat possible to eat a satsuma while riding a pogo stick, but coincidentally, it is nigh on impossible.

Napoleon was a firm favourite of his fathers second wife, codenamed Boris, due to the fact that she was actually a spy for Mahatma Ghandi's distant relative, Peter, who knew that one day there would be a short, one handed frenchman who would be ridiculed for eternity, after being portrayed so well in the early 1990's epic "Bill and Teds Bogus Journey".

Keanu Reeves, did, i belive, play the character Ted in the aforementioned film, and he himself starred alongside Laurence Fishy-wishy-washy-bourne and Carrie me im tired Ann-Moss.

If this is not amusing in the slightest, please press 1 now.

If this is slightly amusing, please press two, upon which you will hear a horrendus cover version of Greensleeves by popular music princess and ghetto superstar, Lolli.


If this however was so funny that you have defecated your underwaear and split both your sides, please hold on the line while we try to connect you to a ever so friendly, but spectactularly unhelpful operator of model trains or banana boat rider.


Simain:

you're on ****ing good form. you should post this stuff where everyone can see it.


END

so i did.

hope you all like it.

This is what most of my personal messages are like come to think of it..

The ones you sent to me pretending to be an icelandic girl called Diamond Antelope were much funnier. Particularly the bits about whether monkeys were better than antelopes.

SSSSSHHHHHHHH!!

Live the dream!

and i've realised that reverse hyperloops are the same as ordinary ones, but you look in the other direction.

oh.. and turn the other way.

which may or may not be possible.

the monkey is not wrong - that elanor rigby line was a stroke of genius

nice one jon you crazy ****er

I know a girl who can peal a satsuma while riding a pogo stick no handed.
She has very strong sense of humour and thighs

Who needs drugs