How do you deal with horrible people?

First, a little background.

Before i came to uni, i didnt have many friends, not good ones anyway. When I arrived I met a guy called Charlie and we hit it off straight away. We became great friends, best friends in fact. We shared everything, told each other everything and everything was just so easy and perfect.

Then things started to get complicated, we realised we had feelings for each other and then we got together. As soon as our friends found it, the sh*t hit the fan, so to speak. One girl fancied him and boy did she go mental, she turned the entire group of friends against us, not great friends i hear you cry.

Our relationship quickly deteriorated and after a while it became clear that we didnt work as a couple and we should just go back to being friends. Before i could say all this to him in person.... i got a text saying 'i want to break up' and after a few more messages, that was it. So, i got dumped over text by my best friend.

Then, last Friday, i found out that him and the other girl got together before he and I broke up. Hurrah! That was a fun night. Aparenty he treated her very badly and still does even though they are no longer together and he got back with a former girlfriend.

How do I deal with this person? How can people become so heartless and cruel? How can they think it is ok to live their lives like that? Are they born like it? Are they raised badly? What is it??

I felt so betraryed. The best friend i ever had and probably will ever have has hurt me so much I really dont know what to do.

Sigh. Sorry for essay post but I just had to get this stuff out.

Im not sure how you deal with horrible people, but I think I have a lot of these...

im not very good at advice but i think you need to go and find some nice people maybe find a group people that have the same interests as you. maybe one of them will become an even better friend than your last best friend

I've had to reasses certain long-standing friendships lately. I put all my faith and trust in a few people during a time when I was very culnerable .... and they've turned round and pooped on me.

People being horrible isn't often a conscious decision to offend or hurt (Although I know of one vile, obnoxious female canine of a former friend who does) but more a lack of consideration for others or the consequences for their actions.

At the end of the day I always think several things;

- They're dumb enough to not be able to think of others
- They weren't worth your time in the first place
- Karma WILL eventually catch up to them
- Better people exist out there to both be friends with and have "more" with
- THEY didn't deserve to even know YOU. You're worth 10x what they could ever even aim to be.

I've been through several groups of friends who've all turned on me at some point, but they all see sense in the end once I leave them to their games - it's then up to me if I want to have anything to do with them again.

Some I do, some I don't. I hope your former friends realise just how lead they've been and what a wastes it's been sacrificing that friendship.

I feel this is something i should be able to advise on, as i have been through this sort of thing myself far too often, but i cant think of any definite answers.

first, many hugs

Evil is right, most people arent this awful intentionally, and some people have different nastiness thresholds so you need to try and find people with the same concientiousness and nastiness levels as you. This is easier said than done, but people watching (SU bar for example) can give you hints about peoples' character.

Try and get involved in many different groups at a surface level, dont expect to immediately be everyones best friend. I talk to lots of people in the bar at uni, i talk to people at my spinning group, i talk to people i live with and people on my course and over time i am finding the ones i get along best with and want to spend more time with.

The absolute best bit of advice i can give is to get used to your own company and be happy with yourself. I do a lot of things by myself - going to the bar, or movies, wandering round the shops or just sitting about reading or something. Its great having friends, and much more fun doing things with other people but if you dont have any people it shouldnt stop you living your life and you'll feel a million times better about everything if youre still having fun!

About feeling better about yourself - treat yourself to something nice. I dont know what sort of things you like, or what you can/will spend money/time/other resources on but there is probably something like a new hairdo, or piercing, or a new top, or set of poi, or a book youve wanted to read for ages that you could get as part of a 'being extra specially nice to me' day. I used to do that a lot, so i now have a lot of stuff, piercings and my hair has been a lot of different things! It seems pathetic, but its no good trying to make friends or enjoy yourself unless you feel good about you and the little material things can be just the boost you need to remember that you DO feel good about yourself!

Poetry is good too - 'If' (Rudyard Kipling) and 'Desiderata' (Max something or other) are my two favourites. I would make a link to them if i knew how, but just put them into google.

And be philosophical about it - you cant be anything other than you and they cant be anythign other than them, no one is right or wrong or anything like that you're just incompatible - let it go. Sure it hurts and it pisses you off, but revenge will only get someone (most likely you) in trouble and brooding just keeps you feeling bad - so move on!

I hope you feel better, and make some nice new friends soon - you deserve the best so dont worry that you arent satisfied with people who are less than that!

Thanks guys. Lots of s back!

I may not have been clear in my first post. I have a lot of friends and i'm eternally grateful for that. I socialise rather too much and am part of around 5 different friendship groups. It's just that Charlie was a friend on another level, he was closer to me than anyone ever has been.

Most people in this world have a best friend, the person they call when they're feeling down or when they see something stupid on tv, the person they can tell absolutely anything to and the person that is always there to lend a helping hug. Charlie was that person to me. Anyone who has that, don't mess it up, coz it hurts like hell.

I had all of my ex's furniture destroyed by three big burly guys from 1-800-Got-Junk? and savored the moment they took a sledge to his prized record player. They even gave me a sledge to break up some of his furniture for my own satisfaction. And one of them was cute to flirt with, too!

Granted, I had a good excuse (he wouldn't pick up his stuff, and I was moving), but, in retrospect, I don't recommend it. You'll feel guilty later and have no way to really remedy it. =/

Best thing to do is resolve to be a nice person yourself, instead of giving in to the dark side...

Everytime someone does something you don't like, let it strengthen your resolve to not be like them.

And when people do things you like, let that strenghten your resolve to do those sorts of things more often.

Then the world will truly be a better place every time! (in my opinion of course).

rather than seeing it as losing a friend try looking at it this way: you met someone who you thought you could have something good with, you gave it a shot, and you found out what sort of person they really are: I know people say that ignorance is bliss, but at least you'll never be saying, 'what if....' to yourself.

And don't think that they are the ONLY person in the world for you: with the amount of people on earth these days, the odds are in your favour!

If you ask my advice then revenge is always good even if it is a little petty but i wouldn't follow my advice since I'm not all that favorable in civilized social circles, I get on famously with the dregs of society however and I like it that way.

X a million

sounds like you had a lucky escape beth, it's sometimes the case that a good friend makes a terrible partner, once all the hard work and the chase is over they tend to revert back to their natural state of mind.

i know it's easy to say and hard to do but i would forget about this person and move on ALWAYS remember ou have a long life ahead of you, and you will meet many many people that will come and go throughout your lifetime.

What LazyAngel said!

Plus:

Don't think of it with bitterness, try to see it for what it is: a learning experience that you can take with you. As a very wise dude said to me a couple of weeks ago "nice though it may be, you're not learning much about yourself or the world when the sun is shining and the birds are singing and you've got a smile on and everything's alright."

You know more now about what people are like, what Charlie and this other girl in particular are like, and about how you are in friendships, relationships and tough times. Learning is good.

Oh, and in the meantime make it clear to Charlie that he ain't welcome around you no more coz he's a little sh*theel!

I had a best friend like that, but they were nice and it took us a year to split up. I couldn't possibly say which hurts more, but a constant niggly feeling that somethings wrong is a head wringer too...

In the meantime...
[link]http://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htm[/link]
[link]http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm[/link]

and a personal fave:

“Life can be like a roller coaster...
And just when you think you've had enough,
and your ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go round...
You change your mind, throw you hands in the air
and ride the roller coaster all over again.
That's exhilaration...that's living a bit on the edge...that's being ALIVE."

--- Copyright © 1999 Stacey Charter

And yet...somehow...life continues

I'm a fan of the currently unpopular wet kipper approach to relationship counselling (it involves a slap in the face with a wet kipper being told to get over it and a shout of NEXT for the next patient to enter.

There's nothing worse than wallowing in self pity.

When the [censored] hits the fan like this, theres only place to turn to.

i first heard this when i was 11, and i have done my best to live my life by this advice.
i know youve all heard it, but i know youve all blatently forgotten about it.

it is, of corse, the sunscreen song

I believe the most corresponding parts to you beth are:
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours"

and

"Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on"

the whole thing is here
http://www.generationterrorists.com/quotes/sunscreen.html

i dont know where it came from, i know baz lurhman didnt write it, he found it on the web. but i do honestly believe this to be divinely inspired.

Personally my love, all i can think to say is get away from this person, cut them out of your life like a cancer. i know those are harsh words, but harsher than what they did to you?

life goes on, youve got the rest of existance to make friends and find love again, it'll happen

only 1 thing to do... prawns in the curtain rails non agressive childish retaliation is my forté

its an experience... take the best out of it, remember the good times take a hold of the lessons learned and move on. dealing with horrible people in my opinion is best left to fate. ive been screwed over before but like its been said already theres that many people around you'll soon find someone equally as special initially who may just turn out to become closer than this charlie dude.. meh. in the meantime

E_V_I_L and rainbow girl are totally right. i also would like to add that this has happened to me also, and somehow i managed to get through it. i just got involved of loads of other stuff that i loved doing, it took my mind off it, and i learnt new stuff and met new people at the same time. it took me a while, but i found another person that i could trust and depend on, so just keep meeting new people because eventually, one of them will be the person that you can depend on

oh, and also, everyone else that has posted on this thread is right aswell (so no one feels left out ^_^)